I am a bad girl....
I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will most likey never have kids of my own. And somehow, that feels reassuring. Because now, I can figure out what I do want now. The clock started ticking for me when everyone around me started having them and I was left without. And now, since the clock has stopped...
I have made the most incredibly devestating decision I have ever made that impacts another person in my whole life. I am done w/ being married to my husband. And what is worse...it feels different now. Like I pulled out a bullet or a blade from my heart.
I can't keep pushing this boulder up the hill. And the truth is, he is not the boulder, the boulder is me. And what i wanted when we got married. I wanted to be married to have kids. That was it. And I thought since i was running out of time, i had to do something and the rest of course would fall into place. I am shallow. I am unforgivable and certainly unforgiven. And if he hates me b/c I am so sorry and shallow, then I guess I deserve it.
Someone said to me this weekend not to try to make any decisions in the dark. An old Alaska thing. And perhaps that is true. I can't see the sun from where I am and it doesn't matter if it is day or not. So, the daylight doesn't matter.
What the hell am I doing? I can't believe how passive I have become. And I am faking it so hard right now, I can't stand myself. What is worse, I have known this for a long time. Or at least some time. Maybe not a long time. Just a time. Lots of other ppl around me have seen it. But, no one stood up to me. No one. And now, I am finally standing up and saying enough.
I thought that this would all go away and it hasn't. I am so tired. But, yet i am so invigorated. It feels like I am going insane w/ being splitso. And yes, there are a lot of things we could probably work on. And I don't want to. I don't want to process it. I don't want to go see anyone about it. I can't stand the loss but I can't bear the alternative.
When the spring comes, I won't be the same person as I was when I got here. And in a lot of ways, this is sort of what it was all leading up to. This place, Alaska, it does not leave things just alone for me at least. It demands more than just existing. It demands more. And that is what I am demanding.
I have been so passive in my own existance. It pains me to see myself now. And I let it happen. I did. And now, I am going to make this happen. Because to do any less would be something like dying. I don't want to die now. Maybe I did earlier last year. But, not I don't want to. I want to find out what happens when the sun comes up.
I am sorry. I really am. Like I am sorry for so many things I have done. How can I ever be forgiven? Who will ever forgive me?
I am .....
a bad bad girl.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Have you ever?
Have you ever slept so hard and so deep that you feel like you died? And then when you woke up you felt so tired you thought you would never wake up? That is me today. There is not an ounce of heat in me right now. And I am soooo tired.
Too much sleep, not enough...not enough...not enough something. Not enough moving. Not enough thinking...and certainly not enough doing of anything.
I think this weekend I am going to knit like crazy and read books. Or something. Just not sleeping. Cause not matter how deep I sleep it is never enough.
And not being alone. Oh my God I dread the weekends b/c I am soooooooooo lonely. Work is fun b/c there are ppl here to talk to and laugh with. The weekends are mundane and lonely. And because of that I usually feel sluggish, depressed and isolated. And when I say I dread the weekends, I mean it. I dread them. Like when Friday comes, I can't wait until Monday again. Isn't that sick and sad.?
Don't answer that. B/c I already know the answer.
Cluck
Too much sleep, not enough...not enough...not enough something. Not enough moving. Not enough thinking...and certainly not enough doing of anything.
I think this weekend I am going to knit like crazy and read books. Or something. Just not sleeping. Cause not matter how deep I sleep it is never enough.
And not being alone. Oh my God I dread the weekends b/c I am soooooooooo lonely. Work is fun b/c there are ppl here to talk to and laugh with. The weekends are mundane and lonely. And because of that I usually feel sluggish, depressed and isolated. And when I say I dread the weekends, I mean it. I dread them. Like when Friday comes, I can't wait until Monday again. Isn't that sick and sad.?
Don't answer that. B/c I already know the answer.
Cluck
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Plans on hold
IVF plans are on hold indefinately. I don't know why. I am fickle...I am allowed. My faith is not where it used to be.
When I was a kid....
Ok back to this again..for the past 6 months or so this common phrase keeps running through my day to day thought patterns. When I am busy or when I am quiet, it is there. And it demands an answer.
I think I might have one. I thought originally, the answer was in something I should have done. And probably there is a part of it that is like that.
But, I am more intrigued by a thought I had today. During the noise of the day. And I didn't come up with this. Someone gave the thought to me. But, I made it my thought too.
When I was a kid (And I Don't mean when I was 6, I mean when I was like 18)...I loved like there was no tomorrow. And it was new. And I was unjaded, unblemished, new at it all. Everyday was like looking out the window and seeing snow for the first time in my life. And despite all of the knowledge I have gained in life, when I was a kid, I was fearless and bold. I was unabashedly passionate. My soul had such incredible capacity to be free and open to everything and sing. When I was a kid I was new and I loved like I was new.
And now, I know too much! Too many things, too many people are lost to me now. And so a part of my soul is darker now. More closed off and hardened. It hurts because like any good loss I feel it a little or a lot each day. The older I get, the more backed up on me these things become. And again it is loss and that indescribalbe feeling of NOT being able to get it back.
I think it is this When I was a kid message that I was missing. I am missing. Because I want that back. I think that is one of the reasons I wanted to come to Alaska. Because I didn't know about it and it would ignite in me that passion for the new and the fresh. And perhaps reawaken my soul to things that are unimaginable. And I do. I see things everyday that stir me. I see eagles and moose and the mountains and the water. And I missed that feeling of the new everyday for so long.
And it isn't just the newness of it all. It is the way it makes me feel. A little bit more like I was when love was new and the closeless that was only possible to me then was right there.
I miss that. I miss being able to completely trust in someone. And perhaps even more than just the fact that I miss the act of trusting and loving, I miss the fact that maybe just maybe I won't be able to feel that way.
I miss my baby. And I missing hoping for him. And I miss that unabashed love I had for him like nothing since when I was a kid was possible.
Sigh...
cluck
I think I might have one. I thought originally, the answer was in something I should have done. And probably there is a part of it that is like that.
But, I am more intrigued by a thought I had today. During the noise of the day. And I didn't come up with this. Someone gave the thought to me. But, I made it my thought too.
When I was a kid (And I Don't mean when I was 6, I mean when I was like 18)...I loved like there was no tomorrow. And it was new. And I was unjaded, unblemished, new at it all. Everyday was like looking out the window and seeing snow for the first time in my life. And despite all of the knowledge I have gained in life, when I was a kid, I was fearless and bold. I was unabashedly passionate. My soul had such incredible capacity to be free and open to everything and sing. When I was a kid I was new and I loved like I was new.
And now, I know too much! Too many things, too many people are lost to me now. And so a part of my soul is darker now. More closed off and hardened. It hurts because like any good loss I feel it a little or a lot each day. The older I get, the more backed up on me these things become. And again it is loss and that indescribalbe feeling of NOT being able to get it back.
I think it is this When I was a kid message that I was missing. I am missing. Because I want that back. I think that is one of the reasons I wanted to come to Alaska. Because I didn't know about it and it would ignite in me that passion for the new and the fresh. And perhaps reawaken my soul to things that are unimaginable. And I do. I see things everyday that stir me. I see eagles and moose and the mountains and the water. And I missed that feeling of the new everyday for so long.
And it isn't just the newness of it all. It is the way it makes me feel. A little bit more like I was when love was new and the closeless that was only possible to me then was right there.
I miss that. I miss being able to completely trust in someone. And perhaps even more than just the fact that I miss the act of trusting and loving, I miss the fact that maybe just maybe I won't be able to feel that way.
I miss my baby. And I missing hoping for him. And I miss that unabashed love I had for him like nothing since when I was a kid was possible.
Sigh...
cluck
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Things I thought I would never do or say
What is responisble for the downward spiral I feel like my relationship w/ my husband is in?Now mind you, I don't think my DH and I are doing anything wrong to each other. We aren't missing the point. We care about each other. We love each other to the extent possible. But we aren't connected and I think it is b/c of what we don't have. And the pieces of ourselves we have lost on the way to where we are right now. Childless.
I know I am battered by all this childlessness. The loss. The medical mess. I mean look at me. When we started this 2 years ago, I was healthy. Vibrant. Alive and thin. Now, I am old, fat, no energy, messed up. And no amount of therapy is fixing it. Doctors don't look at me like a whole person. And I feel let down. I feel let down b/c I tried so hard and all I wanted was some time w/o pressure to recover from the loss of not only the baby but also so much more. My health. My career. My hopes. And I didn't get that time. Not in girl years at least. I got pressure. And even if my DH didn't know it, although I think on some level he did, all the pressure for sex was enough to send a sane person over the edge let alone someone who had just spent a whole year pretty much with the dildo cam as a sex partner.
And I am feeling battered by the whole fact that everytime I look at my DH, I see someone who didn't do what he was supposed to do to get through this. He was supposed to lose like 100 lbs to make it work. And he didn't even try. Not for his sake and not for mine but more importantly not for our family.
And then, as it was winding down he said, well I didn't even really want kids. It only happened this way b/c you wanted them. Somehow, that was supposed to excuse him from the fact that he didn't have to participate fully. For him, the hardest part was what? I don't know what it was. I guess it was that he didn't see what I wanted to come to fruition and possibly more but it doesn't matter b/c now I am supposed to snap back and just pretend I guess that nothing happened.
When clearly something did happen. And lots of things didn't happen. And no where in all of this did we try to stop loving each other. But, somewhere along the way I lost hope and so I did.
In the recap of it all...in the end...I don't know many things about who things work. I don't. I know it.
And I want to know. I do. But, what I don't see is how the world was/is made a better place b/c I went through all of this. And how do I save my relationship w/ my husband?
Cluck!
I know I am battered by all this childlessness. The loss. The medical mess. I mean look at me. When we started this 2 years ago, I was healthy. Vibrant. Alive and thin. Now, I am old, fat, no energy, messed up. And no amount of therapy is fixing it. Doctors don't look at me like a whole person. And I feel let down. I feel let down b/c I tried so hard and all I wanted was some time w/o pressure to recover from the loss of not only the baby but also so much more. My health. My career. My hopes. And I didn't get that time. Not in girl years at least. I got pressure. And even if my DH didn't know it, although I think on some level he did, all the pressure for sex was enough to send a sane person over the edge let alone someone who had just spent a whole year pretty much with the dildo cam as a sex partner.
And I am feeling battered by the whole fact that everytime I look at my DH, I see someone who didn't do what he was supposed to do to get through this. He was supposed to lose like 100 lbs to make it work. And he didn't even try. Not for his sake and not for mine but more importantly not for our family.
And then, as it was winding down he said, well I didn't even really want kids. It only happened this way b/c you wanted them. Somehow, that was supposed to excuse him from the fact that he didn't have to participate fully. For him, the hardest part was what? I don't know what it was. I guess it was that he didn't see what I wanted to come to fruition and possibly more but it doesn't matter b/c now I am supposed to snap back and just pretend I guess that nothing happened.
When clearly something did happen. And lots of things didn't happen. And no where in all of this did we try to stop loving each other. But, somewhere along the way I lost hope and so I did.
In the recap of it all...in the end...I don't know many things about who things work. I don't. I know it.
And I want to know. I do. But, what I don't see is how the world was/is made a better place b/c I went through all of this. And how do I save my relationship w/ my husband?
Cluck!
Freeking Freeezing..and a decision
Well..the New Year is in full swing. Here in lovely Alaska we are in a cold snap that right now adds up to the 3rd longest cold snap in Alaskan history since they started recording. NO kidding right? I get the whole thing together, move up here only to be one of 800000 people frozen to the ground by the cold. Oh, btw, my DH and I bought a 750 Cold cranking amp battery for our car. I don't know what that technically means. But, it can't be bad!
So, I turned 39, a new year rang in w/o ill effect. And I am confronted w/ this strange and newly amazing choice. Do we try just one more time? Throw all we have at it? I say....YES. You know why? I know what to expect this time. I did it once and yes it almost killed me. But, this time, I know better what to expect.
We still have one little embyo on ice back in Indiana. An embryo whose little bros didn't make it, but who still has a chance. And we will cycle again later this year I think.
First things first...ok so the first IVF and the winter spread o the hips that comes from wintering over in Alaska need to start coming off. I am commited this time to get in better shape. I need to loose like 50 lbs. I can do it. And I have a better reason than just myself.
So, b/c sometimes we make decisions and sometimes they are made for us, I say..YES.
And thanks Susan for the post. I am going to call the doctor in Denver. That shouldn't be too far to fly from here. And I like Denver. Have been there several times.
Cluck!
So, I turned 39, a new year rang in w/o ill effect. And I am confronted w/ this strange and newly amazing choice. Do we try just one more time? Throw all we have at it? I say....YES. You know why? I know what to expect this time. I did it once and yes it almost killed me. But, this time, I know better what to expect.
We still have one little embyo on ice back in Indiana. An embryo whose little bros didn't make it, but who still has a chance. And we will cycle again later this year I think.
First things first...ok so the first IVF and the winter spread o the hips that comes from wintering over in Alaska need to start coming off. I am commited this time to get in better shape. I need to loose like 50 lbs. I can do it. And I have a better reason than just myself.
So, b/c sometimes we make decisions and sometimes they are made for us, I say..YES.
And thanks Susan for the post. I am going to call the doctor in Denver. That shouldn't be too far to fly from here. And I like Denver. Have been there several times.
Cluck!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Money...what to do now
Ok, so we live in Alaska and my husband is now working at this great new job. The great new job has money for infertility treatment. One whole treatment. We could afford it. We really could. But, we live in Alaska and there simply are not any real REs who practice IVF here. So what they heck do we need to do? I don't know. I hate it. Good lord. Be careful what you wish for huh?
cluck..happy clucking new year...
cluck..happy clucking new year...
Monday, December 29, 2008
What a slap in the face...today we bleed today is my birthday
Officially, I am past my fertile prime. Today. Right now. At this very crappy moment. And still I mourn. I can't have children. I won't probably have children in my life time. I will never see my dear husband's face in another person. And I will love a child. I will. But, I won't be pregnant and I won't be in labour and I won't...I won't know it.
Today is my 39th birthday. I should have stayed in bed. I am tired. Alaska is nice. Work is good. Life is fine. But babies are popping out all over the place. They should be popping out of me.
This would have been about almost 9 months. I would be heavy pregnant if I was pregnant. I am not. We all know that. But, I probably wouldn't be in Alaska if I was pregnant. I would probably be in a a very different place right now. Life would be very different. And that little part of me, big part of me inside that died when my baby died will never be again. And I am turning 39. And I got my period today. What a friggin slap in the face. I can't even get down and get a big O on today. We can't even afford to go out to dinner tonight.
Things are going well. My mom had her lung transplant. My sister in law is getting ready to have their second. I don't know, perhaps it is easier for them to see their lives laid out in front of them, my sister, my sister in law, even my mom b/c they have kids. What is going to make me get up in the morning when I am sick or sad? What am I going to have to live for when I am old? Who am I going to dream about at night or love on or be good for? Whose mom am I going to be ? Right now, honestly, no one's.
I am not ones mom. And I can get all strong and uppity about it. But, I am not.
I am turning 39 today. I feel old. My back is hurting. My neck is hurting. My joints feel old and rough. My eyes are darker now than they were at the beginning of the year. My heart, no matter how far I go, no matter how much I look to the sky for some sort of relief is broken. And Shattered. And I can't fix it. I just move on past it or try very hard to ignore the pain. People keep on having kids they don't want and I can't have the one I do. And now I am too old to even think about it.
I am being punished clearly this is all of my doing I think. There can be no other way around this situation no reason for so much pain. Right? Oh hell...still no one is going to send me a card when the unbirthday of my dream baby comes along and passes on by year after year after year after year.
I love you baby... and I miss you being here with me. There is so much I would like to show you and do w/ you. Wherever you are now, I wish you were here more with me and dad.
cluck
Today is my 39th birthday. I should have stayed in bed. I am tired. Alaska is nice. Work is good. Life is fine. But babies are popping out all over the place. They should be popping out of me.
This would have been about almost 9 months. I would be heavy pregnant if I was pregnant. I am not. We all know that. But, I probably wouldn't be in Alaska if I was pregnant. I would probably be in a a very different place right now. Life would be very different. And that little part of me, big part of me inside that died when my baby died will never be again. And I am turning 39. And I got my period today. What a friggin slap in the face. I can't even get down and get a big O on today. We can't even afford to go out to dinner tonight.
Things are going well. My mom had her lung transplant. My sister in law is getting ready to have their second. I don't know, perhaps it is easier for them to see their lives laid out in front of them, my sister, my sister in law, even my mom b/c they have kids. What is going to make me get up in the morning when I am sick or sad? What am I going to have to live for when I am old? Who am I going to dream about at night or love on or be good for? Whose mom am I going to be ? Right now, honestly, no one's.
I am not ones mom. And I can get all strong and uppity about it. But, I am not.
I am turning 39 today. I feel old. My back is hurting. My neck is hurting. My joints feel old and rough. My eyes are darker now than they were at the beginning of the year. My heart, no matter how far I go, no matter how much I look to the sky for some sort of relief is broken. And Shattered. And I can't fix it. I just move on past it or try very hard to ignore the pain. People keep on having kids they don't want and I can't have the one I do. And now I am too old to even think about it.
I am being punished clearly this is all of my doing I think. There can be no other way around this situation no reason for so much pain. Right? Oh hell...still no one is going to send me a card when the unbirthday of my dream baby comes along and passes on by year after year after year after year.
I love you baby... and I miss you being here with me. There is so much I would like to show you and do w/ you. Wherever you are now, I wish you were here more with me and dad.
cluck
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Terminal Velocity
I am struck by the idea that in order to make a clean break from something that exerts a strong enough pull on let's say...me...I need to get going at a fast enough rate of speed to break free from the influence of that very something.
I thought I was going fast enough. Until today when I realized indeed I was not reaching terminal velocity to break free of the mediocrity of being here. I was pulled back in. Time to get going again on the path because without enough speed to get away, I won't break clean. Something will be left behind. A piece of me that I don't want to abandon. And that doesn't work for me.
I need to speed out with my whole crew with me. My family so to speak. 3 dogs, 2 birds, 2 horses and husband. Everyone needs to be brought along. And what I realized also today was, I can't get up enough speed for everyone on my list...alone. I need help and my husband is that help.
I am leaving Indiana on Friday to fly to Alaska. I start my new job on Monday. The only things I am taking with me are clothes, a few books and my knitting. Everything else comes later. Which is so appropriate. Because to get to terminal velocity, I need all the carrying power I can muster. And right now, all I can muster is enough to get me gone...
Cluck....
I thought I was going fast enough. Until today when I realized indeed I was not reaching terminal velocity to break free of the mediocrity of being here. I was pulled back in. Time to get going again on the path because without enough speed to get away, I won't break clean. Something will be left behind. A piece of me that I don't want to abandon. And that doesn't work for me.
I need to speed out with my whole crew with me. My family so to speak. 3 dogs, 2 birds, 2 horses and husband. Everyone needs to be brought along. And what I realized also today was, I can't get up enough speed for everyone on my list...alone. I need help and my husband is that help.
I am leaving Indiana on Friday to fly to Alaska. I start my new job on Monday. The only things I am taking with me are clothes, a few books and my knitting. Everything else comes later. Which is so appropriate. Because to get to terminal velocity, I need all the carrying power I can muster. And right now, all I can muster is enough to get me gone...
Cluck....
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Getting ready to do the big deed!
Hello,
The hen reports that she and her dear husband are moving. To Alaska. Yes.
It is going to happen soon. Why? Because I got a job there. I don't know how i am going to tell anyone. I really don't. And honestly, when the words finally do come out of my big old mouth, I think I just won't care much what ppl think. Everyone needs to be happy. And I think I ascribe way to much meaning to my own happiness in relationship to what everyone else is doing with their own lives. I don't have that much power over anyone else's happiness right?
Oh, by the way...this was something we did that CAME EASY. TOO EASY really. So, in my mind, that sets it up this way at leastl;
It Makes it RIGHT.
How many times do you get to do something so brave and adventerous that you just want to sit back and watch but you know indeed that it is happening to you and not someone else? So, pull up a seat. I would if I were not me and going there myself. In the end, it will be far more interesting to be doing it than watching it. But, right now it seems awfully scary.
Nothing this year, that we have wanted to do came thing easily. Everything was wraught with failure, pain and disappointment. So, if you believe in the law of attraction, which I don't in its entirety..then this seemingly was meant to be for us. Right now. Right here!
So, here we go. No amount of planning can prepare me for this. But, this one thing alone makes it all worth while.
CLUCK ON IT!
Carla
The hen reports that she and her dear husband are moving. To Alaska. Yes.
It is going to happen soon. Why? Because I got a job there. I don't know how i am going to tell anyone. I really don't. And honestly, when the words finally do come out of my big old mouth, I think I just won't care much what ppl think. Everyone needs to be happy. And I think I ascribe way to much meaning to my own happiness in relationship to what everyone else is doing with their own lives. I don't have that much power over anyone else's happiness right?
Oh, by the way...this was something we did that CAME EASY. TOO EASY really. So, in my mind, that sets it up this way at leastl;
It Makes it RIGHT.
How many times do you get to do something so brave and adventerous that you just want to sit back and watch but you know indeed that it is happening to you and not someone else? So, pull up a seat. I would if I were not me and going there myself. In the end, it will be far more interesting to be doing it than watching it. But, right now it seems awfully scary.
Nothing this year, that we have wanted to do came thing easily. Everything was wraught with failure, pain and disappointment. So, if you believe in the law of attraction, which I don't in its entirety..then this seemingly was meant to be for us. Right now. Right here!
So, here we go. No amount of planning can prepare me for this. But, this one thing alone makes it all worth while.
CLUCK ON IT!
Carla
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