Nasty thoughts about my body...

first, thank you to everyone who commented....it means a lot....

now...moving on....

Nasty thoughts about my body - by thehenherself

let's start at the very beginning.
The ovary

- more than once during this whole ordeal have I wanted to rip you both out of my body and stomp you on the ground like a rotten piece of fruit. And now you torment me, after the D & C with not so subtle painful reminders. Stabbing pains. Where is my pocket knife - I want to cut you out and stomp on you with big boots and leave you in the street to rot. Tried my whole life to subdue your rants and raves with birth control, shots, patches, pills...And now when I need you to perform as intended you fail me. I hate you both. Especially you left ovary. Useless bitch. You caused me more pain that anything internal or external ever has in my whole life.

Moving in on the UTERUS -

Piece of shit uterus. Useless since the day I met you as a preteen getting my 1st period. I imagine you were scraped clean of the shit smelling, rotten blood colored tissue. And my baby. You couldn't hang in there just a little longer could you? Make yourself useful for once. I am tired of the brown clumps dropping out of my body. I wish I Could wring you out between my hands and put you in the disposal. Chop you up into little bits. Cause that is how I feel. Chopped up into little bits. You torment me even further still by clamping and cramping. Can you please just go away? Leave me alone and disappear!

And now the vagina -

Have you ever tried to imagine that you might have been useful for something more than a skin sheath for a dick? You know, things go in all the time. You were once something to play with. Something that was dear to me because you were pleasureable to have. DId it ever occur that perhaps something could COME OUT beside the smelly stench of rotten blood and tissue? Like maybe a baby? Piss on you. I wish I could clamp you shut. I hate you too.

And the clitoris -

Fuck you clitoris. You have been sitting back tucked so neatly away in la la land of external gentalia that you don't even count for anything anymore. No amount of pleading could ever make me want to touch you or be touched again. If you think you are coming back online as soon as the pain of the D n C is over, you are nuts. Fuck you clitoris. I could cut you out and laugh at the pain. That is what I have to do all the time anyway right? Put on a brave face. A front so no one really will know how bad I feel. Liar.

And the labia -

Where is my stapler? Needle and thread? I want to sew you up. So nothing in, nothing out. No more weekly invasions from the ultrasound dildo. No more specula...no more suppositories. No more fake promises and lies. No more chances for it to work, this time. No more on a wing and prayer. No more looking at my twat when I am under anethesia. And no more of you. I used to think you were neat. Now, your drooping lips and overgrown hair make me want to puke. I am tired. I am tired of you labia. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I could sew you up so no one and nothing could gain access.

I was only given a 35% chance of this working. This IVF and ICSI thing. And now, I hate myself. For GOD SAKE....I hate my body and all that it CAN'T do...And I can't change that. Not now. No amount of therapy can change the hate I Feel for my body.

Let's not forget to mention the unexplained BLADDER pain after every D n C. I couldn't get off the toilet tonight. Popped another Darvocet and the old standby pain reliever AZO to get some relief. Ever had a charlie horse? Well, even though the worse bladder spasms are over, my gut feels like it has been repeatedly punched over and over and over again till it is black and blue and bruised from the INSIDE.

And, my insides feel like they have been rubbed overly vigorously with coarse grit sandpaper. Oh, wait.....That is pretty much what happened on FRIDAY.

THE HORMONES----I AM CRASHING......depth of dispair, pit of pain.

Oh yea....80% of the women in their childbearing years at the party I went to to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday this Saturday were pregnant...I wasn't. Not anymore.

Not anymore.

My body is a cage. I can't escape it. And right now, I HATE IT. I think I Have an ulcer. My henaches are back in my head. Let's not even mention my useless oversized breasts. Did I ever tell you I went out and bought some maternity bras? You know, the ones you can unhook to nures a baby?

I am done.

I wish I could turn back time and get my child bearing years back and line them up with my marriage so we could just do it like rabbits and have a kid on our own.

I hate myself.

cluck---

Dead embyos don't have funerals / no one is bringing us casseroles

Would someone please send a casserole? A card of condolence? How about a conversation?

There was a bad thing that happened to our pregnancy. It is OVER. At 9 weeks it is over. Fetal demise. Tissue must come out. There isn't going to be a funeral although I am mourning worse than any funeral I ever attended. One on is bringing over cake or casserole. I love casserole. Especially the ones other people make.

This sucks. I am going for another D & C tomorrow morning. Evacuate the contents of conception. Test the tissue. Find out why? I am done. Done with infertility. I am emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and SHATTERED....

I guess I should expect it to end. I should have. But, I love being pregnant and even this evening as I sit here I know the fetus is DEMISED...but, it is still in me. And I will miss the...what...person that I was harbouring in my body. I made him and now he is GONE.

I am so depressed I Can't stand it. How much medication can I take? Hard to say.

Another D & C. Suck and chuck I Call it. And no answers.

and no casseroles.

please someone send me one please. Just acknowledge they way that people do DEAD people. Because we are going to a funeral at the hospital tomorrow, my husband and I. Except no one is sending us cards, condolences or casseroles.

sigh..this has changed me FOREVER now. I will never be the same. I am not sure I want to be right now. I Could honestly crawl into a hole and never be seen from again.

I loved being pregnant. And I love my baby.

Good night and good bye little one. I know I will see you in heaven and there are lots of people waiting there for you. Please don't be afraid. You were so wanted and I would give anything to have you here with us know. Anything at all.


you mom