I am a bad girl....
I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will most likey never have kids of my own. And somehow, that feels reassuring. Because now, I can figure out what I do want now. The clock started ticking for me when everyone around me started having them and I was left without. And now, since the clock has stopped...
I have made the most incredibly devestating decision I have ever made that impacts another person in my whole life. I am done w/ being married to my husband. And what is worse...it feels different now. Like I pulled out a bullet or a blade from my heart.
I can't keep pushing this boulder up the hill. And the truth is, he is not the boulder, the boulder is me. And what i wanted when we got married. I wanted to be married to have kids. That was it. And I thought since i was running out of time, i had to do something and the rest of course would fall into place. I am shallow. I am unforgivable and certainly unforgiven. And if he hates me b/c I am so sorry and shallow, then I guess I deserve it.
Someone said to me this weekend not to try to make any decisions in the dark. An old Alaska thing. And perhaps that is true. I can't see the sun from where I am and it doesn't matter if it is day or not. So, the daylight doesn't matter.
What the hell am I doing? I can't believe how passive I have become. And I am faking it so hard right now, I can't stand myself. What is worse, I have known this for a long time. Or at least some time. Maybe not a long time. Just a time. Lots of other ppl around me have seen it. But, no one stood up to me. No one. And now, I am finally standing up and saying enough.
I thought that this would all go away and it hasn't. I am so tired. But, yet i am so invigorated. It feels like I am going insane w/ being splitso. And yes, there are a lot of things we could probably work on. And I don't want to. I don't want to process it. I don't want to go see anyone about it. I can't stand the loss but I can't bear the alternative.
When the spring comes, I won't be the same person as I was when I got here. And in a lot of ways, this is sort of what it was all leading up to. This place, Alaska, it does not leave things just alone for me at least. It demands more than just existing. It demands more. And that is what I am demanding.
I have been so passive in my own existance. It pains me to see myself now. And I let it happen. I did. And now, I am going to make this happen. Because to do any less would be something like dying. I don't want to die now. Maybe I did earlier last year. But, not I don't want to. I want to find out what happens when the sun comes up.
I am sorry. I really am. Like I am sorry for so many things I have done. How can I ever be forgiven? Who will ever forgive me?
I am .....
a bad bad girl.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Have you ever?
Have you ever slept so hard and so deep that you feel like you died? And then when you woke up you felt so tired you thought you would never wake up? That is me today. There is not an ounce of heat in me right now. And I am soooo tired.
Too much sleep, not enough...not enough...not enough something. Not enough moving. Not enough thinking...and certainly not enough doing of anything.
I think this weekend I am going to knit like crazy and read books. Or something. Just not sleeping. Cause not matter how deep I sleep it is never enough.
And not being alone. Oh my God I dread the weekends b/c I am soooooooooo lonely. Work is fun b/c there are ppl here to talk to and laugh with. The weekends are mundane and lonely. And because of that I usually feel sluggish, depressed and isolated. And when I say I dread the weekends, I mean it. I dread them. Like when Friday comes, I can't wait until Monday again. Isn't that sick and sad.?
Don't answer that. B/c I already know the answer.
Cluck
Too much sleep, not enough...not enough...not enough something. Not enough moving. Not enough thinking...and certainly not enough doing of anything.
I think this weekend I am going to knit like crazy and read books. Or something. Just not sleeping. Cause not matter how deep I sleep it is never enough.
And not being alone. Oh my God I dread the weekends b/c I am soooooooooo lonely. Work is fun b/c there are ppl here to talk to and laugh with. The weekends are mundane and lonely. And because of that I usually feel sluggish, depressed and isolated. And when I say I dread the weekends, I mean it. I dread them. Like when Friday comes, I can't wait until Monday again. Isn't that sick and sad.?
Don't answer that. B/c I already know the answer.
Cluck
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Plans on hold
IVF plans are on hold indefinately. I don't know why. I am fickle...I am allowed. My faith is not where it used to be.
When I was a kid....
Ok back to this again..for the past 6 months or so this common phrase keeps running through my day to day thought patterns. When I am busy or when I am quiet, it is there. And it demands an answer.
I think I might have one. I thought originally, the answer was in something I should have done. And probably there is a part of it that is like that.
But, I am more intrigued by a thought I had today. During the noise of the day. And I didn't come up with this. Someone gave the thought to me. But, I made it my thought too.
When I was a kid (And I Don't mean when I was 6, I mean when I was like 18)...I loved like there was no tomorrow. And it was new. And I was unjaded, unblemished, new at it all. Everyday was like looking out the window and seeing snow for the first time in my life. And despite all of the knowledge I have gained in life, when I was a kid, I was fearless and bold. I was unabashedly passionate. My soul had such incredible capacity to be free and open to everything and sing. When I was a kid I was new and I loved like I was new.
And now, I know too much! Too many things, too many people are lost to me now. And so a part of my soul is darker now. More closed off and hardened. It hurts because like any good loss I feel it a little or a lot each day. The older I get, the more backed up on me these things become. And again it is loss and that indescribalbe feeling of NOT being able to get it back.
I think it is this When I was a kid message that I was missing. I am missing. Because I want that back. I think that is one of the reasons I wanted to come to Alaska. Because I didn't know about it and it would ignite in me that passion for the new and the fresh. And perhaps reawaken my soul to things that are unimaginable. And I do. I see things everyday that stir me. I see eagles and moose and the mountains and the water. And I missed that feeling of the new everyday for so long.
And it isn't just the newness of it all. It is the way it makes me feel. A little bit more like I was when love was new and the closeless that was only possible to me then was right there.
I miss that. I miss being able to completely trust in someone. And perhaps even more than just the fact that I miss the act of trusting and loving, I miss the fact that maybe just maybe I won't be able to feel that way.
I miss my baby. And I missing hoping for him. And I miss that unabashed love I had for him like nothing since when I was a kid was possible.
Sigh...
cluck
I think I might have one. I thought originally, the answer was in something I should have done. And probably there is a part of it that is like that.
But, I am more intrigued by a thought I had today. During the noise of the day. And I didn't come up with this. Someone gave the thought to me. But, I made it my thought too.
When I was a kid (And I Don't mean when I was 6, I mean when I was like 18)...I loved like there was no tomorrow. And it was new. And I was unjaded, unblemished, new at it all. Everyday was like looking out the window and seeing snow for the first time in my life. And despite all of the knowledge I have gained in life, when I was a kid, I was fearless and bold. I was unabashedly passionate. My soul had such incredible capacity to be free and open to everything and sing. When I was a kid I was new and I loved like I was new.
And now, I know too much! Too many things, too many people are lost to me now. And so a part of my soul is darker now. More closed off and hardened. It hurts because like any good loss I feel it a little or a lot each day. The older I get, the more backed up on me these things become. And again it is loss and that indescribalbe feeling of NOT being able to get it back.
I think it is this When I was a kid message that I was missing. I am missing. Because I want that back. I think that is one of the reasons I wanted to come to Alaska. Because I didn't know about it and it would ignite in me that passion for the new and the fresh. And perhaps reawaken my soul to things that are unimaginable. And I do. I see things everyday that stir me. I see eagles and moose and the mountains and the water. And I missed that feeling of the new everyday for so long.
And it isn't just the newness of it all. It is the way it makes me feel. A little bit more like I was when love was new and the closeless that was only possible to me then was right there.
I miss that. I miss being able to completely trust in someone. And perhaps even more than just the fact that I miss the act of trusting and loving, I miss the fact that maybe just maybe I won't be able to feel that way.
I miss my baby. And I missing hoping for him. And I miss that unabashed love I had for him like nothing since when I was a kid was possible.
Sigh...
cluck
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Things I thought I would never do or say
What is responisble for the downward spiral I feel like my relationship w/ my husband is in?Now mind you, I don't think my DH and I are doing anything wrong to each other. We aren't missing the point. We care about each other. We love each other to the extent possible. But we aren't connected and I think it is b/c of what we don't have. And the pieces of ourselves we have lost on the way to where we are right now. Childless.
I know I am battered by all this childlessness. The loss. The medical mess. I mean look at me. When we started this 2 years ago, I was healthy. Vibrant. Alive and thin. Now, I am old, fat, no energy, messed up. And no amount of therapy is fixing it. Doctors don't look at me like a whole person. And I feel let down. I feel let down b/c I tried so hard and all I wanted was some time w/o pressure to recover from the loss of not only the baby but also so much more. My health. My career. My hopes. And I didn't get that time. Not in girl years at least. I got pressure. And even if my DH didn't know it, although I think on some level he did, all the pressure for sex was enough to send a sane person over the edge let alone someone who had just spent a whole year pretty much with the dildo cam as a sex partner.
And I am feeling battered by the whole fact that everytime I look at my DH, I see someone who didn't do what he was supposed to do to get through this. He was supposed to lose like 100 lbs to make it work. And he didn't even try. Not for his sake and not for mine but more importantly not for our family.
And then, as it was winding down he said, well I didn't even really want kids. It only happened this way b/c you wanted them. Somehow, that was supposed to excuse him from the fact that he didn't have to participate fully. For him, the hardest part was what? I don't know what it was. I guess it was that he didn't see what I wanted to come to fruition and possibly more but it doesn't matter b/c now I am supposed to snap back and just pretend I guess that nothing happened.
When clearly something did happen. And lots of things didn't happen. And no where in all of this did we try to stop loving each other. But, somewhere along the way I lost hope and so I did.
In the recap of it all...in the end...I don't know many things about who things work. I don't. I know it.
And I want to know. I do. But, what I don't see is how the world was/is made a better place b/c I went through all of this. And how do I save my relationship w/ my husband?
Cluck!
I know I am battered by all this childlessness. The loss. The medical mess. I mean look at me. When we started this 2 years ago, I was healthy. Vibrant. Alive and thin. Now, I am old, fat, no energy, messed up. And no amount of therapy is fixing it. Doctors don't look at me like a whole person. And I feel let down. I feel let down b/c I tried so hard and all I wanted was some time w/o pressure to recover from the loss of not only the baby but also so much more. My health. My career. My hopes. And I didn't get that time. Not in girl years at least. I got pressure. And even if my DH didn't know it, although I think on some level he did, all the pressure for sex was enough to send a sane person over the edge let alone someone who had just spent a whole year pretty much with the dildo cam as a sex partner.
And I am feeling battered by the whole fact that everytime I look at my DH, I see someone who didn't do what he was supposed to do to get through this. He was supposed to lose like 100 lbs to make it work. And he didn't even try. Not for his sake and not for mine but more importantly not for our family.
And then, as it was winding down he said, well I didn't even really want kids. It only happened this way b/c you wanted them. Somehow, that was supposed to excuse him from the fact that he didn't have to participate fully. For him, the hardest part was what? I don't know what it was. I guess it was that he didn't see what I wanted to come to fruition and possibly more but it doesn't matter b/c now I am supposed to snap back and just pretend I guess that nothing happened.
When clearly something did happen. And lots of things didn't happen. And no where in all of this did we try to stop loving each other. But, somewhere along the way I lost hope and so I did.
In the recap of it all...in the end...I don't know many things about who things work. I don't. I know it.
And I want to know. I do. But, what I don't see is how the world was/is made a better place b/c I went through all of this. And how do I save my relationship w/ my husband?
Cluck!
Freeking Freeezing..and a decision
Well..the New Year is in full swing. Here in lovely Alaska we are in a cold snap that right now adds up to the 3rd longest cold snap in Alaskan history since they started recording. NO kidding right? I get the whole thing together, move up here only to be one of 800000 people frozen to the ground by the cold. Oh, btw, my DH and I bought a 750 Cold cranking amp battery for our car. I don't know what that technically means. But, it can't be bad!
So, I turned 39, a new year rang in w/o ill effect. And I am confronted w/ this strange and newly amazing choice. Do we try just one more time? Throw all we have at it? I say....YES. You know why? I know what to expect this time. I did it once and yes it almost killed me. But, this time, I know better what to expect.
We still have one little embyo on ice back in Indiana. An embryo whose little bros didn't make it, but who still has a chance. And we will cycle again later this year I think.
First things first...ok so the first IVF and the winter spread o the hips that comes from wintering over in Alaska need to start coming off. I am commited this time to get in better shape. I need to loose like 50 lbs. I can do it. And I have a better reason than just myself.
So, b/c sometimes we make decisions and sometimes they are made for us, I say..YES.
And thanks Susan for the post. I am going to call the doctor in Denver. That shouldn't be too far to fly from here. And I like Denver. Have been there several times.
Cluck!
So, I turned 39, a new year rang in w/o ill effect. And I am confronted w/ this strange and newly amazing choice. Do we try just one more time? Throw all we have at it? I say....YES. You know why? I know what to expect this time. I did it once and yes it almost killed me. But, this time, I know better what to expect.
We still have one little embyo on ice back in Indiana. An embryo whose little bros didn't make it, but who still has a chance. And we will cycle again later this year I think.
First things first...ok so the first IVF and the winter spread o the hips that comes from wintering over in Alaska need to start coming off. I am commited this time to get in better shape. I need to loose like 50 lbs. I can do it. And I have a better reason than just myself.
So, b/c sometimes we make decisions and sometimes they are made for us, I say..YES.
And thanks Susan for the post. I am going to call the doctor in Denver. That shouldn't be too far to fly from here. And I like Denver. Have been there several times.
Cluck!
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