Bad girl...bad bad

I am a bad girl....

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will most likey never have kids of my own. And somehow, that feels reassuring. Because now, I can figure out what I do want now. The clock started ticking for me when everyone around me started having them and I was left without. And now, since the clock has stopped...

I have made the most incredibly devestating decision I have ever made that impacts another person in my whole life. I am done w/ being married to my husband. And what is worse...it feels different now. Like I pulled out a bullet or a blade from my heart.

I can't keep pushing this boulder up the hill. And the truth is, he is not the boulder, the boulder is me. And what i wanted when we got married. I wanted to be married to have kids. That was it. And I thought since i was running out of time, i had to do something and the rest of course would fall into place. I am shallow. I am unforgivable and certainly unforgiven. And if he hates me b/c I am so sorry and shallow, then I guess I deserve it.

Someone said to me this weekend not to try to make any decisions in the dark. An old Alaska thing. And perhaps that is true. I can't see the sun from where I am and it doesn't matter if it is day or not. So, the daylight doesn't matter.

What the hell am I doing? I can't believe how passive I have become. And I am faking it so hard right now, I can't stand myself. What is worse, I have known this for a long time. Or at least some time. Maybe not a long time. Just a time. Lots of other ppl around me have seen it. But, no one stood up to me. No one. And now, I am finally standing up and saying enough.

I thought that this would all go away and it hasn't. I am so tired. But, yet i am so invigorated. It feels like I am going insane w/ being splitso. And yes, there are a lot of things we could probably work on. And I don't want to. I don't want to process it. I don't want to go see anyone about it. I can't stand the loss but I can't bear the alternative.

When the spring comes, I won't be the same person as I was when I got here. And in a lot of ways, this is sort of what it was all leading up to. This place, Alaska, it does not leave things just alone for me at least. It demands more than just existing. It demands more. And that is what I am demanding.

I have been so passive in my own existance. It pains me to see myself now. And I let it happen. I did. And now, I am going to make this happen. Because to do any less would be something like dying. I don't want to die now. Maybe I did earlier last year. But, not I don't want to. I want to find out what happens when the sun comes up.

I am sorry. I really am. Like I am sorry for so many things I have done. How can I ever be forgiven? Who will ever forgive me?

I am .....

a bad bad girl.