Let's be honest...everything has a price doesn't it

It used to be, when I was younger, when I wanted something all I had to do was think it. It would happen sometimes with a small or large amount of effort. But, like that it was done.
Now, everything and I mean everything has a price. A pound of flesh, a couple thousand dollars, a couple 10s of thousand dollars..you name it..there is always a price. Even vacating a relationship has a price. Everyone wants a piece. Everyone wants to compare, contrast, motivate, design and overlay their own needs, their own price, their own desires, their own charges are levied on me now. Everyone has one and let me tell you what, this is my price:

I am free. I am cost free. If you want a piece of me, all you need do is ask. I don't care. You can ask. I can deny but you won't buy me, I won't be sold and my freedom is all that matters right now. I won't pay the price for mistakes anymore. I won't pay the price of loving any more. And I won't pay the price for wanting happiness anymore. I won't. So, if you have a price, I won't pay it. If each little action costs something, if the price of vacating this relationship is in dollars, then so be it. But no one, no one I repeat...get it...will get this payment from my soul. This soul, this heart, this love, this passion, this need, this mind, this person, me...I can't be owned. I can't be bargained for. I can't be won. I am free. And if you want to buy, own, sell me you can't. If you want to desire, want, love, hate, curse, feel, know, touch my heart, these are all free. I give them freely. I do. I can because they are mine, only mine to give. To whomever, whenever, whatever I choose. If it is a friend, I choose it. If it is job, I choose it. If it is an adventure, I choose it. I choose. Not someone else. Not even God. Not you. I get this now. I do. I want to be alive. I want to experience life on my own terms. I want to love with my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole body, my whole mind. And no, this doesn't mean I give any of it away in the process. NO one, no one, no need, no want, no desire, no other person, no idea, no church, no faith, no past, no future, no emotion OWNS me.

I am unownable. But, I will love. I will. And I will love so fearlessly. So purely. So increasingly perfectly that no one, no one, will ever wonder...especially me, did I ever let it pass my by. I won't be owned. But, I will love. I can.

So, this makes sense to me. I am stronger, and more real now. I am honestly centered for perhaps the first time in my life. And I will love.

love....

carla

Crap how do I do this now?

How do I move now? How do I? Who do I ask for help? My friends have all decided that they don't want me around anymore. They don't accept that things are going going gone south. You know what, this should come as no surprise. nothing surprises me anymore. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that there are simply not enough words to explain how I feel. And I Don't really expect people to understand. I don't. Because well...because no one can judge me unless they've walking in my shoes. Oh I hate that euphamizsm....

But its true. I don't want to be let down. I don't want others to be let down by me. I don't. And I Can't ask others to do for me what I can't do for myself. So, here is what I am asking in case anyone cares...

1. Do not judge me. You don't get it.
2. Don't be an ass to me. It only makes it worse.
3. Please listen to me. With an open heart and compassionate mind.
4. Do not apply judgement from past actions...this is different. This is bigger. This must be done.

I don't want to die an old maid. I don't want to be bitter and angry. Right now, I am bitter and angry. The old maid thing..well whatever. If I never have the pleasure of the flesh again, I guess I won't die. If I never get to love someone again...well that would be a shame. I am a very good, loving caring person who desperately wants more than anything to love...I do really.

I just don't want my life fucked up in the process and that I what has happened...

so...

fluck