Flying by the seat of my pants

So, I am flying here. By the seat of my pants literally. How does one pull out a master illusion of normalcy? Oh, I know, change ones reality. And this is what I have done girls boys everyone out there. Change the reality you see every day. Make the change. Stick with it. Work the changes through and feel, yes feel the pain if need be. These isn't any shame in feeling the pain after all. And Oh boy do I feel it. Not in what I have left behind, but more than this is simply a process. I have choose to go through it. I will live with the consequences and by god, I will not die in the process.

Yes, loosing the baby was a shock. Yes, believe or not, you can remake yourself in a new image if you choose to live child free. And right now, that is how I see it. I am going to live myself without a child. Right now. And so, it that reality it what it is, I am ready to live with the outcome.

There isn't a way to honor the losses. There isn't. So why bother anymore. I wanted the world to see it for what it is, and it isn't possilbe. I want to fill my life with the other parts of the life I have denied myself. I want to reconnect. I want to flourish. And I am happier now in a less stressful way.

I am gone from my husband's house. I want that part of my life to be complete. I want to feel the sun on my face again.

Oh yes...my figure, I am getting it back from the year of henmones. I am getting back my fitness. And I am getting back my life. It is all possible. It is.

Cluck