The cottage on the trail

The cottage in the woods by the trail. That is the place i see in my dreams now. The warm wood floors. The big long kitchen. The loft bedroom with the old fashioned bathroom. The flowers and the yard with the green green grass. This is where I am in my dreams and i miss it even though I have never been there. I am going there. It is going to be my new house. It even feels like home. Which is a feeling i have not had in a long long time.

I still have not bled. It is now almost 2 weeks. I am oddly ok with this. And oddly ok with what it might mean. It probably means something is wrong. It means more surgeries are coming. It means not what I want it to mean. I broke down last week and took a test. Took two actually. I felt giddy. Like it always feels. Only this time I wanted oh what I wanted was so very much on my heart.

THe other alternative is unthinkable. No more. I am done and ready to be a shrivelled up old hag? Oh god I hope not.

I dream everynight of the love Ive known. I spin all around in my dreams looking for the heart I miss so much.

All these dreams slip away from me in the daylight. But, at night, in my dreams, I see them all unfolding in front of me like a great white tablecloth. All clean and new and real and soft. And we dance on the soft cloth and leave our marks on each other and we fold our hands together and hold. Then I awake and the distance of missing you sinks in. Missing it all. Missing my babies that will not be. Missing the you...MIssing the time to spend with loved ones. Feeling outcast in the daylight but, dreampt of and desired in the dark.

I know none of this makes sense. But, in the year since I lost my child. And in the months since I left my crap ass marriage I have learned not to judge the nonsense of it all. The nonsense will someday, I pray make sense...because right now, it is just well it is just ridiculous. all of it.

I miss you
I miss us
I miss the verb of Love...