Henhouse is being torn down

It is time to close the chapter of this story.



The hen, despite her best efforts is left a spinster old hen. Dry. Barren and listless.



It is time to move on to a new story.



It is time to start telling a new story from a new perspective.



The hen needs to rest now and the new chick needs to amuse herself amongst the ashes and the ruins of the life in the henhouse while we all wait to move on to the new house. The cottage...



So, please follow the chick...she is clucking along, trying to reword a life story that seems to have led to this serious state of disappointment, sadness, lonliness and somehow, a brief little element of hope.



I think I am a savenger. Chicks often are aren't we. Scratching for little bits of seed and grass, and little bits of life. To feed my soul, I am going to scratch and search for the small bits that hopefully will add up to some big bits in the end.



My hopes for a baby are over.

My hopes for a happy marriage are dashed.

My hopes for love are ...well...they are still worth seeking out. Those little bits.

My hopes for home are ever present and this is why, to make the next 12 months worth it all, I need to move to the cottage and leave the henhouse behind for now and forever.



So, this is the last hen post. Welcome to the chick...maybe by going back we can grow on forward.

Chick says this...visit us at

www.bluebellecottage.blogspot.com

This is where the new story begins and the new chick life starts. Come visit!

Emotional Cutter

You want to make it hurt just a little more. Just a little until...until...it bleeds or it weeps or the sorrow is so great so great that the only alternative to the sorrow is this peaceful worn out feeling. This feeling means I have taken in my dosage of pain and taken it well taken it hard. And pushed and pulled it around until it cuts me. Deeply to my heart. And I bleed and I bleed emotionally for the losses of my life. There have been big ones. I can revist those with exact clarity sharp and clean. The little ones, those are little nicks. Then there are the new ones I create. The new ones that I allow to peneatrate my soul. I invite them. I wish for them because to replace the pain with anything else is not part of what gets me. Gets me to feel. If I cannot feel happiness then by god I might as well feel abject pain. Bleed me. Emotionally dry. I want it. I want the relief sweet relief of getting it out.

This is the last of the private places I can think of to be. This little website slice where the words can flow freely and I don't care if anyone listens but secretly I hope someone does.

I heard the term emotional cutter on Sex in the City. I hate that show but some how I feel compelled to watch it. The emotional cutter was Kerry. Yes she sort of matches me in some ways.

I am missing....
I am lost....without.

The cottage on the trail

The cottage in the woods by the trail. That is the place i see in my dreams now. The warm wood floors. The big long kitchen. The loft bedroom with the old fashioned bathroom. The flowers and the yard with the green green grass. This is where I am in my dreams and i miss it even though I have never been there. I am going there. It is going to be my new house. It even feels like home. Which is a feeling i have not had in a long long time.

I still have not bled. It is now almost 2 weeks. I am oddly ok with this. And oddly ok with what it might mean. It probably means something is wrong. It means more surgeries are coming. It means not what I want it to mean. I broke down last week and took a test. Took two actually. I felt giddy. Like it always feels. Only this time I wanted oh what I wanted was so very much on my heart.

THe other alternative is unthinkable. No more. I am done and ready to be a shrivelled up old hag? Oh god I hope not.

I dream everynight of the love Ive known. I spin all around in my dreams looking for the heart I miss so much.

All these dreams slip away from me in the daylight. But, at night, in my dreams, I see them all unfolding in front of me like a great white tablecloth. All clean and new and real and soft. And we dance on the soft cloth and leave our marks on each other and we fold our hands together and hold. Then I awake and the distance of missing you sinks in. Missing it all. Missing my babies that will not be. Missing the you...MIssing the time to spend with loved ones. Feeling outcast in the daylight but, dreampt of and desired in the dark.

I know none of this makes sense. But, in the year since I lost my child. And in the months since I left my crap ass marriage I have learned not to judge the nonsense of it all. The nonsense will someday, I pray make sense...because right now, it is just well it is just ridiculous. all of it.

I miss you
I miss us
I miss the verb of Love...

Flying by the seat of my pants

So, I am flying here. By the seat of my pants literally. How does one pull out a master illusion of normalcy? Oh, I know, change ones reality. And this is what I have done girls boys everyone out there. Change the reality you see every day. Make the change. Stick with it. Work the changes through and feel, yes feel the pain if need be. These isn't any shame in feeling the pain after all. And Oh boy do I feel it. Not in what I have left behind, but more than this is simply a process. I have choose to go through it. I will live with the consequences and by god, I will not die in the process.

Yes, loosing the baby was a shock. Yes, believe or not, you can remake yourself in a new image if you choose to live child free. And right now, that is how I see it. I am going to live myself without a child. Right now. And so, it that reality it what it is, I am ready to live with the outcome.

There isn't a way to honor the losses. There isn't. So why bother anymore. I wanted the world to see it for what it is, and it isn't possilbe. I want to fill my life with the other parts of the life I have denied myself. I want to reconnect. I want to flourish. And I am happier now in a less stressful way.

I am gone from my husband's house. I want that part of my life to be complete. I want to feel the sun on my face again.

Oh yes...my figure, I am getting it back from the year of henmones. I am getting back my fitness. And I am getting back my life. It is all possible. It is.

Cluck

Moving.

I like living in Anchorage. I like the fact I have no commute to speak of. I like it. I don't want to stop liking it. So I won't.

Moving.

Let's be honest...everything has a price doesn't it

It used to be, when I was younger, when I wanted something all I had to do was think it. It would happen sometimes with a small or large amount of effort. But, like that it was done.
Now, everything and I mean everything has a price. A pound of flesh, a couple thousand dollars, a couple 10s of thousand dollars..you name it..there is always a price. Even vacating a relationship has a price. Everyone wants a piece. Everyone wants to compare, contrast, motivate, design and overlay their own needs, their own price, their own desires, their own charges are levied on me now. Everyone has one and let me tell you what, this is my price:

I am free. I am cost free. If you want a piece of me, all you need do is ask. I don't care. You can ask. I can deny but you won't buy me, I won't be sold and my freedom is all that matters right now. I won't pay the price for mistakes anymore. I won't pay the price of loving any more. And I won't pay the price for wanting happiness anymore. I won't. So, if you have a price, I won't pay it. If each little action costs something, if the price of vacating this relationship is in dollars, then so be it. But no one, no one I repeat...get it...will get this payment from my soul. This soul, this heart, this love, this passion, this need, this mind, this person, me...I can't be owned. I can't be bargained for. I can't be won. I am free. And if you want to buy, own, sell me you can't. If you want to desire, want, love, hate, curse, feel, know, touch my heart, these are all free. I give them freely. I do. I can because they are mine, only mine to give. To whomever, whenever, whatever I choose. If it is a friend, I choose it. If it is job, I choose it. If it is an adventure, I choose it. I choose. Not someone else. Not even God. Not you. I get this now. I do. I want to be alive. I want to experience life on my own terms. I want to love with my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole body, my whole mind. And no, this doesn't mean I give any of it away in the process. NO one, no one, no need, no want, no desire, no other person, no idea, no church, no faith, no past, no future, no emotion OWNS me.

I am unownable. But, I will love. I will. And I will love so fearlessly. So purely. So increasingly perfectly that no one, no one, will ever wonder...especially me, did I ever let it pass my by. I won't be owned. But, I will love. I can.

So, this makes sense to me. I am stronger, and more real now. I am honestly centered for perhaps the first time in my life. And I will love.

love....

carla

Crap how do I do this now?

How do I move now? How do I? Who do I ask for help? My friends have all decided that they don't want me around anymore. They don't accept that things are going going gone south. You know what, this should come as no surprise. nothing surprises me anymore. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that there are simply not enough words to explain how I feel. And I Don't really expect people to understand. I don't. Because well...because no one can judge me unless they've walking in my shoes. Oh I hate that euphamizsm....

But its true. I don't want to be let down. I don't want others to be let down by me. I don't. And I Can't ask others to do for me what I can't do for myself. So, here is what I am asking in case anyone cares...

1. Do not judge me. You don't get it.
2. Don't be an ass to me. It only makes it worse.
3. Please listen to me. With an open heart and compassionate mind.
4. Do not apply judgement from past actions...this is different. This is bigger. This must be done.

I don't want to die an old maid. I don't want to be bitter and angry. Right now, I am bitter and angry. The old maid thing..well whatever. If I never have the pleasure of the flesh again, I guess I won't die. If I never get to love someone again...well that would be a shame. I am a very good, loving caring person who desperately wants more than anything to love...I do really.

I just don't want my life fucked up in the process and that I what has happened...

so...

fluck

Bad girl...bad bad

I am a bad girl....

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will most likey never have kids of my own. And somehow, that feels reassuring. Because now, I can figure out what I do want now. The clock started ticking for me when everyone around me started having them and I was left without. And now, since the clock has stopped...

I have made the most incredibly devestating decision I have ever made that impacts another person in my whole life. I am done w/ being married to my husband. And what is worse...it feels different now. Like I pulled out a bullet or a blade from my heart.

I can't keep pushing this boulder up the hill. And the truth is, he is not the boulder, the boulder is me. And what i wanted when we got married. I wanted to be married to have kids. That was it. And I thought since i was running out of time, i had to do something and the rest of course would fall into place. I am shallow. I am unforgivable and certainly unforgiven. And if he hates me b/c I am so sorry and shallow, then I guess I deserve it.

Someone said to me this weekend not to try to make any decisions in the dark. An old Alaska thing. And perhaps that is true. I can't see the sun from where I am and it doesn't matter if it is day or not. So, the daylight doesn't matter.

What the hell am I doing? I can't believe how passive I have become. And I am faking it so hard right now, I can't stand myself. What is worse, I have known this for a long time. Or at least some time. Maybe not a long time. Just a time. Lots of other ppl around me have seen it. But, no one stood up to me. No one. And now, I am finally standing up and saying enough.

I thought that this would all go away and it hasn't. I am so tired. But, yet i am so invigorated. It feels like I am going insane w/ being splitso. And yes, there are a lot of things we could probably work on. And I don't want to. I don't want to process it. I don't want to go see anyone about it. I can't stand the loss but I can't bear the alternative.

When the spring comes, I won't be the same person as I was when I got here. And in a lot of ways, this is sort of what it was all leading up to. This place, Alaska, it does not leave things just alone for me at least. It demands more than just existing. It demands more. And that is what I am demanding.

I have been so passive in my own existance. It pains me to see myself now. And I let it happen. I did. And now, I am going to make this happen. Because to do any less would be something like dying. I don't want to die now. Maybe I did earlier last year. But, not I don't want to. I want to find out what happens when the sun comes up.

I am sorry. I really am. Like I am sorry for so many things I have done. How can I ever be forgiven? Who will ever forgive me?

I am .....

a bad bad girl.

Have you ever?

Have you ever slept so hard and so deep that you feel like you died? And then when you woke up you felt so tired you thought you would never wake up? That is me today. There is not an ounce of heat in me right now. And I am soooo tired.

Too much sleep, not enough...not enough...not enough something. Not enough moving. Not enough thinking...and certainly not enough doing of anything.

I think this weekend I am going to knit like crazy and read books. Or something. Just not sleeping. Cause not matter how deep I sleep it is never enough.

And not being alone. Oh my God I dread the weekends b/c I am soooooooooo lonely. Work is fun b/c there are ppl here to talk to and laugh with. The weekends are mundane and lonely. And because of that I usually feel sluggish, depressed and isolated. And when I say I dread the weekends, I mean it. I dread them. Like when Friday comes, I can't wait until Monday again. Isn't that sick and sad.?

Don't answer that. B/c I already know the answer.

Cluck

Plans on hold

IVF plans are on hold indefinately. I don't know why. I am fickle...I am allowed. My faith is not where it used to be.

When I was a kid....

Ok back to this again..for the past 6 months or so this common phrase keeps running through my day to day thought patterns. When I am busy or when I am quiet, it is there. And it demands an answer.

I think I might have one. I thought originally, the answer was in something I should have done. And probably there is a part of it that is like that.

But, I am more intrigued by a thought I had today. During the noise of the day. And I didn't come up with this. Someone gave the thought to me. But, I made it my thought too.

When I was a kid (And I Don't mean when I was 6, I mean when I was like 18)...I loved like there was no tomorrow. And it was new. And I was unjaded, unblemished, new at it all. Everyday was like looking out the window and seeing snow for the first time in my life. And despite all of the knowledge I have gained in life, when I was a kid, I was fearless and bold. I was unabashedly passionate. My soul had such incredible capacity to be free and open to everything and sing. When I was a kid I was new and I loved like I was new.

And now, I know too much! Too many things, too many people are lost to me now. And so a part of my soul is darker now. More closed off and hardened. It hurts because like any good loss I feel it a little or a lot each day. The older I get, the more backed up on me these things become. And again it is loss and that indescribalbe feeling of NOT being able to get it back.

I think it is this When I was a kid message that I was missing. I am missing. Because I want that back. I think that is one of the reasons I wanted to come to Alaska. Because I didn't know about it and it would ignite in me that passion for the new and the fresh. And perhaps reawaken my soul to things that are unimaginable. And I do. I see things everyday that stir me. I see eagles and moose and the mountains and the water. And I missed that feeling of the new everyday for so long.

And it isn't just the newness of it all. It is the way it makes me feel. A little bit more like I was when love was new and the closeless that was only possible to me then was right there.

I miss that. I miss being able to completely trust in someone. And perhaps even more than just the fact that I miss the act of trusting and loving, I miss the fact that maybe just maybe I won't be able to feel that way.

I miss my baby. And I missing hoping for him. And I miss that unabashed love I had for him like nothing since when I was a kid was possible.

Sigh...
cluck

Things I thought I would never do or say

What is responisble for the downward spiral I feel like my relationship w/ my husband is in?Now mind you, I don't think my DH and I are doing anything wrong to each other. We aren't missing the point. We care about each other. We love each other to the extent possible. But we aren't connected and I think it is b/c of what we don't have. And the pieces of ourselves we have lost on the way to where we are right now. Childless.

I know I am battered by all this childlessness. The loss. The medical mess. I mean look at me. When we started this 2 years ago, I was healthy. Vibrant. Alive and thin. Now, I am old, fat, no energy, messed up. And no amount of therapy is fixing it. Doctors don't look at me like a whole person. And I feel let down. I feel let down b/c I tried so hard and all I wanted was some time w/o pressure to recover from the loss of not only the baby but also so much more. My health. My career. My hopes. And I didn't get that time. Not in girl years at least. I got pressure. And even if my DH didn't know it, although I think on some level he did, all the pressure for sex was enough to send a sane person over the edge let alone someone who had just spent a whole year pretty much with the dildo cam as a sex partner.

And I am feeling battered by the whole fact that everytime I look at my DH, I see someone who didn't do what he was supposed to do to get through this. He was supposed to lose like 100 lbs to make it work. And he didn't even try. Not for his sake and not for mine but more importantly not for our family.

And then, as it was winding down he said, well I didn't even really want kids. It only happened this way b/c you wanted them. Somehow, that was supposed to excuse him from the fact that he didn't have to participate fully. For him, the hardest part was what? I don't know what it was. I guess it was that he didn't see what I wanted to come to fruition and possibly more but it doesn't matter b/c now I am supposed to snap back and just pretend I guess that nothing happened.

When clearly something did happen. And lots of things didn't happen. And no where in all of this did we try to stop loving each other. But, somewhere along the way I lost hope and so I did.

In the recap of it all...in the end...I don't know many things about who things work. I don't. I know it.

And I want to know. I do. But, what I don't see is how the world was/is made a better place b/c I went through all of this. And how do I save my relationship w/ my husband?

Cluck!

Freeking Freeezing..and a decision

Well..the New Year is in full swing. Here in lovely Alaska we are in a cold snap that right now adds up to the 3rd longest cold snap in Alaskan history since they started recording. NO kidding right? I get the whole thing together, move up here only to be one of 800000 people frozen to the ground by the cold. Oh, btw, my DH and I bought a 750 Cold cranking amp battery for our car. I don't know what that technically means. But, it can't be bad!

So, I turned 39, a new year rang in w/o ill effect. And I am confronted w/ this strange and newly amazing choice. Do we try just one more time? Throw all we have at it? I say....YES. You know why? I know what to expect this time. I did it once and yes it almost killed me. But, this time, I know better what to expect.

We still have one little embyo on ice back in Indiana. An embryo whose little bros didn't make it, but who still has a chance. And we will cycle again later this year I think.

First things first...ok so the first IVF and the winter spread o the hips that comes from wintering over in Alaska need to start coming off. I am commited this time to get in better shape. I need to loose like 50 lbs. I can do it. And I have a better reason than just myself.

So, b/c sometimes we make decisions and sometimes they are made for us, I say..YES.

And thanks Susan for the post. I am going to call the doctor in Denver. That shouldn't be too far to fly from here. And I like Denver. Have been there several times.

Cluck!

Money...what to do now

Ok, so we live in Alaska and my husband is now working at this great new job. The great new job has money for infertility treatment. One whole treatment. We could afford it. We really could. But, we live in Alaska and there simply are not any real REs who practice IVF here. So what they heck do we need to do? I don't know. I hate it. Good lord. Be careful what you wish for huh?

cluck..happy clucking new year...

What a slap in the face...today we bleed today is my birthday

Officially, I am past my fertile prime. Today. Right now. At this very crappy moment. And still I mourn. I can't have children. I won't probably have children in my life time. I will never see my dear husband's face in another person. And I will love a child. I will. But, I won't be pregnant and I won't be in labour and I won't...I won't know it.

Today is my 39th birthday. I should have stayed in bed. I am tired. Alaska is nice. Work is good. Life is fine. But babies are popping out all over the place. They should be popping out of me.

This would have been about almost 9 months. I would be heavy pregnant if I was pregnant. I am not. We all know that. But, I probably wouldn't be in Alaska if I was pregnant. I would probably be in a a very different place right now. Life would be very different. And that little part of me, big part of me inside that died when my baby died will never be again. And I am turning 39. And I got my period today. What a friggin slap in the face. I can't even get down and get a big O on today. We can't even afford to go out to dinner tonight.

Things are going well. My mom had her lung transplant. My sister in law is getting ready to have their second. I don't know, perhaps it is easier for them to see their lives laid out in front of them, my sister, my sister in law, even my mom b/c they have kids. What is going to make me get up in the morning when I am sick or sad? What am I going to have to live for when I am old? Who am I going to dream about at night or love on or be good for? Whose mom am I going to be ? Right now, honestly, no one's.

I am not ones mom. And I can get all strong and uppity about it. But, I am not.

I am turning 39 today. I feel old. My back is hurting. My neck is hurting. My joints feel old and rough. My eyes are darker now than they were at the beginning of the year. My heart, no matter how far I go, no matter how much I look to the sky for some sort of relief is broken. And Shattered. And I can't fix it. I just move on past it or try very hard to ignore the pain. People keep on having kids they don't want and I can't have the one I do. And now I am too old to even think about it.

I am being punished clearly this is all of my doing I think. There can be no other way around this situation no reason for so much pain. Right? Oh hell...still no one is going to send me a card when the unbirthday of my dream baby comes along and passes on by year after year after year after year.

I love you baby... and I miss you being here with me. There is so much I would like to show you and do w/ you. Wherever you are now, I wish you were here more with me and dad.

cluck

Terminal Velocity

I am struck by the idea that in order to make a clean break from something that exerts a strong enough pull on let's say...me...I need to get going at a fast enough rate of speed to break free from the influence of that very something.

I thought I was going fast enough. Until today when I realized indeed I was not reaching terminal velocity to break free of the mediocrity of being here. I was pulled back in. Time to get going again on the path because without enough speed to get away, I won't break clean. Something will be left behind. A piece of me that I don't want to abandon. And that doesn't work for me.

I need to speed out with my whole crew with me. My family so to speak. 3 dogs, 2 birds, 2 horses and husband. Everyone needs to be brought along. And what I realized also today was, I can't get up enough speed for everyone on my list...alone. I need help and my husband is that help.

I am leaving Indiana on Friday to fly to Alaska. I start my new job on Monday. The only things I am taking with me are clothes, a few books and my knitting. Everything else comes later. Which is so appropriate. Because to get to terminal velocity, I need all the carrying power I can muster. And right now, all I can muster is enough to get me gone...

Cluck....

Getting ready to do the big deed!

Hello,
The hen reports that she and her dear husband are moving. To Alaska. Yes.

It is going to happen soon. Why? Because I got a job there. I don't know how i am going to tell anyone. I really don't. And honestly, when the words finally do come out of my big old mouth, I think I just won't care much what ppl think. Everyone needs to be happy. And I think I ascribe way to much meaning to my own happiness in relationship to what everyone else is doing with their own lives. I don't have that much power over anyone else's happiness right?

Oh, by the way...this was something we did that CAME EASY. TOO EASY really. So, in my mind, that sets it up this way at leastl;

It Makes it RIGHT.

How many times do you get to do something so brave and adventerous that you just want to sit back and watch but you know indeed that it is happening to you and not someone else? So, pull up a seat. I would if I were not me and going there myself. In the end, it will be far more interesting to be doing it than watching it. But, right now it seems awfully scary.

Nothing this year, that we have wanted to do came thing easily. Everything was wraught with failure, pain and disappointment. So, if you believe in the law of attraction, which I don't in its entirety..then this seemingly was meant to be for us. Right now. Right here!

So, here we go. No amount of planning can prepare me for this. But, this one thing alone makes it all worth while.


CLUCK ON IT!

Carla

We bleed

You know, I shared so much earlier in such a humour fashion even for me. And now, the mundane day to day life of being infertile just sort of takes over.

Until today.

Aunt FLO the real thing showed for the 1st time on her own accord since my miscarriage of justice.

I don't know when that was really without looking. Isn't that awful. It seems like eons ago but also like yesterday too.

Just what else...I am depressed..Yup...This is what happens. I take the drugs and they take the edge off. Yes they did.

It worked. YES IT DID! I must have dreampt this up just to hurt myself right? Because the wounds are still here. I ignore them better now, but they are still here.

I am exhausted beyond belief. The job I wanted badly in AK is gone now. That is ok, but we are still here.

I feel like I am in LIMBO waiting for something new to happen. So what happens, AUNT FUCKING FLO shows up to remind me that I am infertile. NO BABBY IN THERE moron.

Sigh

Fluck....

What to do now about having a family?

You know, I still want a baby. And so does my husband. So what do we do?

I don't really know.

We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.

It seems like a viable solution.

Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.

And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.

We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.

That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.

But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.

I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...

Cluck...