You know, I still want a baby. And so does my husband. So what do we do?
I don't really know.
We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.
It seems like a viable solution.
Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.
And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.
We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.
That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.
But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.
I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...
Cluck...
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Ghosts and seeing until the end
I think I have pink eye. Pink I.
I need to get my life back. Now I Can't see straight which seems fitting since I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know who I am anymore.
Nothing makes sense to me and I don't want it to anymore. I just want my life back. I don't know who I am. And I Don't want to know. I just want a new me.
No one can get close to me. Because I am as vacant and vapid as the air that surrounds me. Nothing bounces off me, it just goes through me and changes me as it goes. Nice thought huh? to be completely permeable by anything that wants to enter and exit on its own time and need?
My heart is broken in a million pieces. My life consumed by the lack of....anything meaningful left. Nothing exists for me right now. Just this painful pit of crap and bile that just won't stop burning me.
Everyone gets to decide what happens to me and in the end I lost control a long long time ago I just didn't know it.
I am sorry if none of this is making sense. Honestly I am.
I have been listening to NIN Ghost release tonight which is like a serious stream of consciousness string of music. I feel like I am riding it. The music and it sort of compels me to feel or write whatever it is I touch on in my thoughts.
I want my life back and I can't seem to get the strenght together to try to make a stand. To defend myself would be like trying to overcome a great barrier without knowing where it is or how big it is. I am living rather blindly and uninspired now since the loss of our baby. It is like when it left, I left too. It was all I wanted and all I had for those few weeks that actually made sense in my whole life. Ridiculous I know. I think I am too sensitive. Too Tender to be allowed to continue living.
Whenever I feel something, I feel it so intensely. When something touches me now, it touches me so incredibly, so deeply. Sometimes I lay in bed thinking of each thing that I can in turn until it hurts then I move on to the next thing. And when I think I can't take even another second of the sorrow or pain...I think of the loss of our baby. And I think hard on it. I let the loss tear at my skin and rip open and out my heart. And then, I empty my brain and the nothingness of the torn flesh and destroyed soul just bleeds and puts me to sleep.
I like the activity of making it hurt. So badly, in progression so that I feel each level like I am supposed to. I let the death of a friend, the loss of a pet, or the destruction something open up and burn. I carefully choose each thought for its precise ability to bring about the next level of pain. There are not random thoughts when I am practicing this mental exercise. Torture really but I works well for me I think. I makes me feel it all. Without anyone else telling me how I should feel. Especially the loss of our baby. I want to hover in that pain. I don't want anyone else telling me how I should feel about it. I want to be consumed by it. The loss, the panic. the saddness, the fear, the lonliness. All of it. Each in turn. Piece by piece. Bit by bit. Not all at once. Not like it was a week ago. But, incrementally. I want to go deep and see how close to the bottom of the feelings I can get.
This is sickness I know. There isn't anything to replace this activity right now. I just want to feel it all. Each pin prick and each heart break. Each piece of my life falling away. Until there is simply nothing left to feel. Nothing left. Nothing.
God Help me. I miss my baby.
I need to get my life back. Now I Can't see straight which seems fitting since I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know who I am anymore.
Nothing makes sense to me and I don't want it to anymore. I just want my life back. I don't know who I am. And I Don't want to know. I just want a new me.
No one can get close to me. Because I am as vacant and vapid as the air that surrounds me. Nothing bounces off me, it just goes through me and changes me as it goes. Nice thought huh? to be completely permeable by anything that wants to enter and exit on its own time and need?
My heart is broken in a million pieces. My life consumed by the lack of....anything meaningful left. Nothing exists for me right now. Just this painful pit of crap and bile that just won't stop burning me.
Everyone gets to decide what happens to me and in the end I lost control a long long time ago I just didn't know it.
I am sorry if none of this is making sense. Honestly I am.
I have been listening to NIN Ghost release tonight which is like a serious stream of consciousness string of music. I feel like I am riding it. The music and it sort of compels me to feel or write whatever it is I touch on in my thoughts.
I want my life back and I can't seem to get the strenght together to try to make a stand. To defend myself would be like trying to overcome a great barrier without knowing where it is or how big it is. I am living rather blindly and uninspired now since the loss of our baby. It is like when it left, I left too. It was all I wanted and all I had for those few weeks that actually made sense in my whole life. Ridiculous I know. I think I am too sensitive. Too Tender to be allowed to continue living.
Whenever I feel something, I feel it so intensely. When something touches me now, it touches me so incredibly, so deeply. Sometimes I lay in bed thinking of each thing that I can in turn until it hurts then I move on to the next thing. And when I think I can't take even another second of the sorrow or pain...I think of the loss of our baby. And I think hard on it. I let the loss tear at my skin and rip open and out my heart. And then, I empty my brain and the nothingness of the torn flesh and destroyed soul just bleeds and puts me to sleep.
I like the activity of making it hurt. So badly, in progression so that I feel each level like I am supposed to. I let the death of a friend, the loss of a pet, or the destruction something open up and burn. I carefully choose each thought for its precise ability to bring about the next level of pain. There are not random thoughts when I am practicing this mental exercise. Torture really but I works well for me I think. I makes me feel it all. Without anyone else telling me how I should feel. Especially the loss of our baby. I want to hover in that pain. I don't want anyone else telling me how I should feel about it. I want to be consumed by it. The loss, the panic. the saddness, the fear, the lonliness. All of it. Each in turn. Piece by piece. Bit by bit. Not all at once. Not like it was a week ago. But, incrementally. I want to go deep and see how close to the bottom of the feelings I can get.
This is sickness I know. There isn't anything to replace this activity right now. I just want to feel it all. Each pin prick and each heart break. Each piece of my life falling away. Until there is simply nothing left to feel. Nothing left. Nothing.
God Help me. I miss my baby.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Is the pain gone? and Oh my heart is broken....
I think and hope that the pain of the suck and chuck is gone. No pill poppin except for the obligatory Advil....
Had a fam damily gathering today. 4th of July and all. Babies and preggos abounding. Had to fight back the tears which caused me to be pukey. There is no balance. Didn't wan to upset the apple cart and honestly be upset. Afterall it has only been week since my baby bean was evacuated from my body. There is still so much to be sad about. And honestly, I don't think it is going away.
I think I need some time away from the fam. It isn't that they don't care. It is just that I am too prickley with heartbreak right now. Their concern is tempered by this restraint that doesn't really let me feel anything when I am with them. I don't get to feel sad when I am with them because that would cause them to break down their restraint and that is far more important than how I feel afterall. It is always that way. Always has been too.
But, I don't feel happy either. So I end up breaking down at home into a million pieces that takes me 3-4 days to recover from. It is like being a car and going to a demolition derby knowing full well you are going to get the crap beaten out of you on purpose and you go anyway. Someone will put you back together in time for the next time out.
I am sorry, I didn't get the memo...
Am I supposed to feel this way? Battered...Road worn...Apathetic....
Let's talk about this one...apathetic....
I don't care honestly about anything rigth now. I could sleep all day. And sometimes I do. I get glimmers of hope when someone calls for a job interview. But, that fades. When I realize it is job I don't really want to do afterall. I have not been eating well. OR right. Poppin all these pain pills...my god I am starting to feel like a junky. I hardly recognize myself right now.
And I miss my baby....
Loosing my baby has sucked all my inspiration, all my life right out of me. I miss my baby so much and I want my baby back inside my body. Knowding this won't can't happen...I am overcome with this awesome sense of loss. It sinks into to my bones, soaks my skin and tears at my soul...
that is all..i am tired....
cluck
Had a fam damily gathering today. 4th of July and all. Babies and preggos abounding. Had to fight back the tears which caused me to be pukey. There is no balance. Didn't wan to upset the apple cart and honestly be upset. Afterall it has only been week since my baby bean was evacuated from my body. There is still so much to be sad about. And honestly, I don't think it is going away.
I think I need some time away from the fam. It isn't that they don't care. It is just that I am too prickley with heartbreak right now. Their concern is tempered by this restraint that doesn't really let me feel anything when I am with them. I don't get to feel sad when I am with them because that would cause them to break down their restraint and that is far more important than how I feel afterall. It is always that way. Always has been too.
But, I don't feel happy either. So I end up breaking down at home into a million pieces that takes me 3-4 days to recover from. It is like being a car and going to a demolition derby knowing full well you are going to get the crap beaten out of you on purpose and you go anyway. Someone will put you back together in time for the next time out.
I am sorry, I didn't get the memo...
Am I supposed to feel this way? Battered...Road worn...Apathetic....
Let's talk about this one...apathetic....
I don't care honestly about anything rigth now. I could sleep all day. And sometimes I do. I get glimmers of hope when someone calls for a job interview. But, that fades. When I realize it is job I don't really want to do afterall. I have not been eating well. OR right. Poppin all these pain pills...my god I am starting to feel like a junky. I hardly recognize myself right now.
And I miss my baby....
Loosing my baby has sucked all my inspiration, all my life right out of me. I miss my baby so much and I want my baby back inside my body. Knowding this won't can't happen...I am overcome with this awesome sense of loss. It sinks into to my bones, soaks my skin and tears at my soul...
that is all..i am tired....
cluck
Monday, June 30, 2008
Nasty thoughts about my body...
first, thank you to everyone who commented....it means a lot....
now...moving on....
Nasty thoughts about my body - by thehenherself
let's start at the very beginning.
The ovary
- more than once during this whole ordeal have I wanted to rip you both out of my body and stomp you on the ground like a rotten piece of fruit. And now you torment me, after the D & C with not so subtle painful reminders. Stabbing pains. Where is my pocket knife - I want to cut you out and stomp on you with big boots and leave you in the street to rot. Tried my whole life to subdue your rants and raves with birth control, shots, patches, pills...And now when I need you to perform as intended you fail me. I hate you both. Especially you left ovary. Useless bitch. You caused me more pain that anything internal or external ever has in my whole life.
Moving in on the UTERUS -
Piece of shit uterus. Useless since the day I met you as a preteen getting my 1st period. I imagine you were scraped clean of the shit smelling, rotten blood colored tissue. And my baby. You couldn't hang in there just a little longer could you? Make yourself useful for once. I am tired of the brown clumps dropping out of my body. I wish I Could wring you out between my hands and put you in the disposal. Chop you up into little bits. Cause that is how I feel. Chopped up into little bits. You torment me even further still by clamping and cramping. Can you please just go away? Leave me alone and disappear!
And now the vagina -
Have you ever tried to imagine that you might have been useful for something more than a skin sheath for a dick? You know, things go in all the time. You were once something to play with. Something that was dear to me because you were pleasureable to have. DId it ever occur that perhaps something could COME OUT beside the smelly stench of rotten blood and tissue? Like maybe a baby? Piss on you. I wish I could clamp you shut. I hate you too.
And the clitoris -
Fuck you clitoris. You have been sitting back tucked so neatly away in la la land of external gentalia that you don't even count for anything anymore. No amount of pleading could ever make me want to touch you or be touched again. If you think you are coming back online as soon as the pain of the D n C is over, you are nuts. Fuck you clitoris. I could cut you out and laugh at the pain. That is what I have to do all the time anyway right? Put on a brave face. A front so no one really will know how bad I feel. Liar.
And the labia -
Where is my stapler? Needle and thread? I want to sew you up. So nothing in, nothing out. No more weekly invasions from the ultrasound dildo. No more specula...no more suppositories. No more fake promises and lies. No more chances for it to work, this time. No more on a wing and prayer. No more looking at my twat when I am under anethesia. And no more of you. I used to think you were neat. Now, your drooping lips and overgrown hair make me want to puke. I am tired. I am tired of you labia. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I could sew you up so no one and nothing could gain access.
I was only given a 35% chance of this working. This IVF and ICSI thing. And now, I hate myself. For GOD SAKE....I hate my body and all that it CAN'T do...And I can't change that. Not now. No amount of therapy can change the hate I Feel for my body.
Let's not forget to mention the unexplained BLADDER pain after every D n C. I couldn't get off the toilet tonight. Popped another Darvocet and the old standby pain reliever AZO to get some relief. Ever had a charlie horse? Well, even though the worse bladder spasms are over, my gut feels like it has been repeatedly punched over and over and over again till it is black and blue and bruised from the INSIDE.
And, my insides feel like they have been rubbed overly vigorously with coarse grit sandpaper. Oh, wait.....That is pretty much what happened on FRIDAY.
THE HORMONES----I AM CRASHING......depth of dispair, pit of pain.
Oh yea....80% of the women in their childbearing years at the party I went to to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday this Saturday were pregnant...I wasn't. Not anymore.
Not anymore.
My body is a cage. I can't escape it. And right now, I HATE IT. I think I Have an ulcer. My henaches are back in my head. Let's not even mention my useless oversized breasts. Did I ever tell you I went out and bought some maternity bras? You know, the ones you can unhook to nures a baby?
I am done.
I wish I could turn back time and get my child bearing years back and line them up with my marriage so we could just do it like rabbits and have a kid on our own.
I hate myself.
cluck---
now...moving on....
Nasty thoughts about my body - by thehenherself
let's start at the very beginning.
The ovary
- more than once during this whole ordeal have I wanted to rip you both out of my body and stomp you on the ground like a rotten piece of fruit. And now you torment me, after the D & C with not so subtle painful reminders. Stabbing pains. Where is my pocket knife - I want to cut you out and stomp on you with big boots and leave you in the street to rot. Tried my whole life to subdue your rants and raves with birth control, shots, patches, pills...And now when I need you to perform as intended you fail me. I hate you both. Especially you left ovary. Useless bitch. You caused me more pain that anything internal or external ever has in my whole life.
Moving in on the UTERUS -
Piece of shit uterus. Useless since the day I met you as a preteen getting my 1st period. I imagine you were scraped clean of the shit smelling, rotten blood colored tissue. And my baby. You couldn't hang in there just a little longer could you? Make yourself useful for once. I am tired of the brown clumps dropping out of my body. I wish I Could wring you out between my hands and put you in the disposal. Chop you up into little bits. Cause that is how I feel. Chopped up into little bits. You torment me even further still by clamping and cramping. Can you please just go away? Leave me alone and disappear!
And now the vagina -
Have you ever tried to imagine that you might have been useful for something more than a skin sheath for a dick? You know, things go in all the time. You were once something to play with. Something that was dear to me because you were pleasureable to have. DId it ever occur that perhaps something could COME OUT beside the smelly stench of rotten blood and tissue? Like maybe a baby? Piss on you. I wish I could clamp you shut. I hate you too.
And the clitoris -
Fuck you clitoris. You have been sitting back tucked so neatly away in la la land of external gentalia that you don't even count for anything anymore. No amount of pleading could ever make me want to touch you or be touched again. If you think you are coming back online as soon as the pain of the D n C is over, you are nuts. Fuck you clitoris. I could cut you out and laugh at the pain. That is what I have to do all the time anyway right? Put on a brave face. A front so no one really will know how bad I feel. Liar.
And the labia -
Where is my stapler? Needle and thread? I want to sew you up. So nothing in, nothing out. No more weekly invasions from the ultrasound dildo. No more specula...no more suppositories. No more fake promises and lies. No more chances for it to work, this time. No more on a wing and prayer. No more looking at my twat when I am under anethesia. And no more of you. I used to think you were neat. Now, your drooping lips and overgrown hair make me want to puke. I am tired. I am tired of you labia. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I could sew you up so no one and nothing could gain access.
I was only given a 35% chance of this working. This IVF and ICSI thing. And now, I hate myself. For GOD SAKE....I hate my body and all that it CAN'T do...And I can't change that. Not now. No amount of therapy can change the hate I Feel for my body.
Let's not forget to mention the unexplained BLADDER pain after every D n C. I couldn't get off the toilet tonight. Popped another Darvocet and the old standby pain reliever AZO to get some relief. Ever had a charlie horse? Well, even though the worse bladder spasms are over, my gut feels like it has been repeatedly punched over and over and over again till it is black and blue and bruised from the INSIDE.
And, my insides feel like they have been rubbed overly vigorously with coarse grit sandpaper. Oh, wait.....That is pretty much what happened on FRIDAY.
THE HORMONES----I AM CRASHING......depth of dispair, pit of pain.
Oh yea....80% of the women in their childbearing years at the party I went to to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday this Saturday were pregnant...I wasn't. Not anymore.
Not anymore.
My body is a cage. I can't escape it. And right now, I HATE IT. I think I Have an ulcer. My henaches are back in my head. Let's not even mention my useless oversized breasts. Did I ever tell you I went out and bought some maternity bras? You know, the ones you can unhook to nures a baby?
I am done.
I wish I could turn back time and get my child bearing years back and line them up with my marriage so we could just do it like rabbits and have a kid on our own.
I hate myself.
cluck---
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Dead embyos don't have funerals / no one is bringing us casseroles
Would someone please send a casserole? A card of condolence? How about a conversation?
There was a bad thing that happened to our pregnancy. It is OVER. At 9 weeks it is over. Fetal demise. Tissue must come out. There isn't going to be a funeral although I am mourning worse than any funeral I ever attended. One on is bringing over cake or casserole. I love casserole. Especially the ones other people make.
This sucks. I am going for another D & C tomorrow morning. Evacuate the contents of conception. Test the tissue. Find out why? I am done. Done with infertility. I am emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and SHATTERED....
I guess I should expect it to end. I should have. But, I love being pregnant and even this evening as I sit here I know the fetus is DEMISED...but, it is still in me. And I will miss the...what...person that I was harbouring in my body. I made him and now he is GONE.
I am so depressed I Can't stand it. How much medication can I take? Hard to say.
Another D & C. Suck and chuck I Call it. And no answers.
and no casseroles.
please someone send me one please. Just acknowledge they way that people do DEAD people. Because we are going to a funeral at the hospital tomorrow, my husband and I. Except no one is sending us cards, condolences or casseroles.
sigh..this has changed me FOREVER now. I will never be the same. I am not sure I want to be right now. I Could honestly crawl into a hole and never be seen from again.
I loved being pregnant. And I love my baby.
Good night and good bye little one. I know I will see you in heaven and there are lots of people waiting there for you. Please don't be afraid. You were so wanted and I would give anything to have you here with us know. Anything at all.
you mom
There was a bad thing that happened to our pregnancy. It is OVER. At 9 weeks it is over. Fetal demise. Tissue must come out. There isn't going to be a funeral although I am mourning worse than any funeral I ever attended. One on is bringing over cake or casserole. I love casserole. Especially the ones other people make.
This sucks. I am going for another D & C tomorrow morning. Evacuate the contents of conception. Test the tissue. Find out why? I am done. Done with infertility. I am emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and SHATTERED....
I guess I should expect it to end. I should have. But, I love being pregnant and even this evening as I sit here I know the fetus is DEMISED...but, it is still in me. And I will miss the...what...person that I was harbouring in my body. I made him and now he is GONE.
I am so depressed I Can't stand it. How much medication can I take? Hard to say.
Another D & C. Suck and chuck I Call it. And no answers.
and no casseroles.
please someone send me one please. Just acknowledge they way that people do DEAD people. Because we are going to a funeral at the hospital tomorrow, my husband and I. Except no one is sending us cards, condolences or casseroles.
sigh..this has changed me FOREVER now. I will never be the same. I am not sure I want to be right now. I Could honestly crawl into a hole and never be seen from again.
I loved being pregnant. And I love my baby.
Good night and good bye little one. I know I will see you in heaven and there are lots of people waiting there for you. Please don't be afraid. You were so wanted and I would give anything to have you here with us know. Anything at all.
you mom
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