The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile - or sick and tired of being sick and tired

I am sick and tired.

Honestly. There is nothing I would rather be than not sick and tired.

There simply is not enough life left in me to be partial to doing much of anything right now and I gotta tell you this is rather scarey. To me at least.

Infertility is the well, the worst thing that I ever encountered in my whole stinking life. I mean, really.

The range of emotions is incredible. The amount of lack of control one feels is startling and unnerving to even the strongest of persons.

The strain it puts on my relationship with my husband is incredible. I mean, what else could it do to me that would be worse than not being able to have a baby than ending my marriage. It hasn't yet done it, but by God it was pushing on the envelope of tolerance pretty well.

I can't explain in words the sadness I feel. There isn't anything else I feel at the moment. Thank God. Because the anger is so stifling.

The sadness at least just drives me into the ground, or rather into bed to sleep it off.

The frustration well, that was the worst emotion of them all. The frustration of not being able to do anything else. We were relaxed. We were in good health. We did everything right to the number and the letter just like we were told and still NOTHING and no hope left and

NO FRIGGING MONEY LEFT.

The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile is like a shroud that you carry with you for the rest of your life.

Time has passed me by. I am done with my fertile years I am told. Too old. Too this too that but still no answers. Is age the only issue? Then why try at all? Why do it to being with? Why do IVF/ICSI without hope?

I read some entries from my journal this past December. When we were still in the early testing phases of this go around. I was so hopeful. I was so full of anticipation and that energy, if I Remember correctly was so positive and honest. And then, nothingness. It went from trying to nothingness. From positive and hopeful despite all of our setbacks, pain, loneliness, trials, losses and right up until the end...we had it, that wishful, honest hope that only comes from desperation I think now on it.

Desperation is a feeling that I think few people really get and the saddest thing is, there is medicine and medical practice in the world today in so many ways that breeds from people's desperation. I know I was played. I got it hook line and sinker. I was desperate, still am really, and I would do just about anything, no I would have done ANYTHING and probably still would to be able to have a baby of our own.

I walked, willingly through the GATES of HELL.

I am not kidding.

It hurt.

It really hurt, physically so painful.

I am not a whiner nor a weakling. Not that I should even have to justify it in any way but I feel I do.
Just lie still.
Just don't move around.
Take your narcotics and stop calling now.
That is what I got.

What type of medicine assumes as much as this type does?

Let's just assume that her pain is from this or that or whatever? That is how it seemed to me. So many assumptions.

Emptiness is another so stifling emotion.

OH my god I feel so drained. So empty now.

The chances are what now?

What are my chances assuming my husband and I just go back to trying ourselves? I can't even imagine.

I mean, first of all, we bought, hook line and sinker the diagnosis of infertile didn't we? SO, how can we go back to just being a couple trying on our own. That harbours even more emptiness for me in the end because we already bought (literally) our diagnosis.

Without anymore chances, how can we hope for a better outcome than what we already experienced?

Anyone?
Anyone have any answers to this?
Come on, someone try?


Answer people get this ok?This is not GOD"S FRIGGIN PLAN FOR ME! This is not for the best and it is most certainly NOT SOMETHING I CAN JUST GET OVER....I hate this, you hate it too for me I imagine but in the end it is something that I HAVE>>>>>>>>>Plain and simple.

Do you know how badly we want a baby?

I didn't know how badly I really wanted a family until I couldn't have one of my own. I want to know why this is happening to us! More than anything, I want to know why this is happening to us. My husband and I are good, hardworking people.

I simply cannot imagine my life with this overbearing shadow of a miscalculation in timing, process, and medicine. I did everything right didn't I? I didn't marry a jackass of a man just to have kids? I knew waiting was the right thing.

SO Why am I BEING PUNISHED LIKE THIS? ? ??? ?

Ok, so life isn't fair. I get that. I do. But, just this once, this one thing, this one BIG thing, I would like to catch a break on....PLEASE! And my husband, he is younger than I am. He could, well there are a lot of "he could have" out there...I shudder to think. I know the truth is that we both carry this burden with us. And without it, we would have a baby on the way right? ? ?? ?


cluck...

And now a gentler refrain

I try in my posts to focus less on the medical side of things and more on the what am I feeling side of things. I think for this one post at least I am going to start off in a different dreft...

I had a D&C on Friday of last week. Under general anethesia. My blood pressure shot up so high they couldn't give me the pittocin like medication to help my ute contract and expel contents even more. So, I didn't bleed at all on Sat and Sun afternoon. I thought, to myself...GREAT! This is going to go nice and clean and easy.

I was wrong!

On Sunday evening, around 11:30 pm, the worst pain ever started while sitting on the toilet and hasn't really let up since. I mean, honestly, writhing on the floor, crying out loud, scaring the dogs and probably the neighors type pain. I sat out here on my computer blaming myself for it. Broken stupid me. Until 6:30 am when my hubby got up. I had taken some heavy duty pain medication. I didn't work. I was going INSANE. I am not kidding.

SO, I called the doctor who did this to me's office...BLADDER INFECTION they proclaimed. Go get a urinalysis. Why, I asked? I am bleeding like mad at this point? Oh, they said, the blood is secondary to the bacteria they will find.

Let me clue you in gentle reader...

Despite all the hate I spewed forth in my last post for my body, I know it very well.

I do NOT have a BlADDER INFECTION...oh no. We are not going there again...like before.

For over 8 years, doctors all over the place, in Emergency rooms, in country clinics while on vacation, in major medical centers in important US cities diagnosed my writhing, penetrating, seriously debiliating PAIN....as

BlADDER INFECTION!

Guess what? I never was a only a bladder infection. See, my body is plagued with....drum roll please....

I like this color....ENDOMETRIOSIS....YES! Great globs of it...

So let me first apologize to my ovaries...because two years ago, after bouts of debiliating pain that were leading me towards losing my job, I had not 1 but two surgeries, one with a huge robot and 4 stomach inscions to save my ovaries from the ravages of hell and endometriosis....MAke that 6 stomach incisions....

Then, let me apologize to my uterus....endo all over that too...and a giant fibriod to boot. A bad one. TAKE IT OUT!

So....NOW.....guess what...

GO get tested for bladder infection, do a dirty urinalysis and we can then rule out anything serious like a BLADDER INFECTION.....saz the doctor who did this to me via his nurse.

Oh no. they weren't getting off that easy.

So, I throw bad 2 more heavy duty pain meds...hallucinate a little bit longer and wait until 2pm to see my family doctor who has NEVER EVER LET ME DOWN. THANK GOD FOR HIM!

I go in, he looks at me, takes my temp, pushes gently around and DECLARES!!!! RATHER EMphatically.....


You have more going on here than an BLADDER INFECTION and oh, I can't really get a good test of on your pee (he didn't use those words really) b/c of the BLOOD!!!!

So hubby and I (he is home from work for like the 2nd Monday in a row)...jump in the car and drive off to the Doctor who did this to me's office.

I am told to get on the scan table to be probbed again with the photographic dildo when I try to lay back..hey look at that....SHE CAN"T STRAIGHTEN OUT HER LEGS!!!!

Oh, when did this start the nurse exclaimed (I am trying to be dramatic but not for effect)...Husband was ready to jump out of skin and all over nurse. The doctor who did this to me comes in and proclaims....oh..you have a big blood clot in there.

And oh by the way, just to remind you, this is your fault he saz since you had high blood pressure while on the table on Friday and they couldn't give you the pittocin like drug....YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE THAT LOOKED AT BY THE FAMILY DOC THAT COULDN"T DO THE BLOOD URINALYSIS on you...Did he take your BP while there? No...I say. Because it would have just been high anyway....

PAIN...remember? ? ? ?

So, now, huge amounts of antibiotics are pouring into me...for the mysterious NON-BLADDER infections....

I get to get gorked out on some other high power narcotic durg. That is fun! NOT....

And that is it!

I am sorry body of mine. I forget everything that plauges us sometimes. And it doesn't even mean I don't notice, it just means I forget.

I have to now, wait until the tissue passes. Sort of like elongated LABOR pains really. To pass the forgotten blood clot.

I should also mention...I don't have High blood pressure until I go to anethesia. I told that pusher drug man before he gorked me out major that I was susceptible to it while out and under and recovering. I guess he didn't think it was important enough to listen to me....I guess he also expects to get paid...

cluck....

the hen

Nasty thoughts about my body...

first, thank you to everyone who commented....it means a lot....

now...moving on....

Nasty thoughts about my body - by thehenherself

let's start at the very beginning.
The ovary

- more than once during this whole ordeal have I wanted to rip you both out of my body and stomp you on the ground like a rotten piece of fruit. And now you torment me, after the D & C with not so subtle painful reminders. Stabbing pains. Where is my pocket knife - I want to cut you out and stomp on you with big boots and leave you in the street to rot. Tried my whole life to subdue your rants and raves with birth control, shots, patches, pills...And now when I need you to perform as intended you fail me. I hate you both. Especially you left ovary. Useless bitch. You caused me more pain that anything internal or external ever has in my whole life.

Moving in on the UTERUS -

Piece of shit uterus. Useless since the day I met you as a preteen getting my 1st period. I imagine you were scraped clean of the shit smelling, rotten blood colored tissue. And my baby. You couldn't hang in there just a little longer could you? Make yourself useful for once. I am tired of the brown clumps dropping out of my body. I wish I Could wring you out between my hands and put you in the disposal. Chop you up into little bits. Cause that is how I feel. Chopped up into little bits. You torment me even further still by clamping and cramping. Can you please just go away? Leave me alone and disappear!

And now the vagina -

Have you ever tried to imagine that you might have been useful for something more than a skin sheath for a dick? You know, things go in all the time. You were once something to play with. Something that was dear to me because you were pleasureable to have. DId it ever occur that perhaps something could COME OUT beside the smelly stench of rotten blood and tissue? Like maybe a baby? Piss on you. I wish I could clamp you shut. I hate you too.

And the clitoris -

Fuck you clitoris. You have been sitting back tucked so neatly away in la la land of external gentalia that you don't even count for anything anymore. No amount of pleading could ever make me want to touch you or be touched again. If you think you are coming back online as soon as the pain of the D n C is over, you are nuts. Fuck you clitoris. I could cut you out and laugh at the pain. That is what I have to do all the time anyway right? Put on a brave face. A front so no one really will know how bad I feel. Liar.

And the labia -

Where is my stapler? Needle and thread? I want to sew you up. So nothing in, nothing out. No more weekly invasions from the ultrasound dildo. No more specula...no more suppositories. No more fake promises and lies. No more chances for it to work, this time. No more on a wing and prayer. No more looking at my twat when I am under anethesia. And no more of you. I used to think you were neat. Now, your drooping lips and overgrown hair make me want to puke. I am tired. I am tired of you labia. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I could sew you up so no one and nothing could gain access.

I was only given a 35% chance of this working. This IVF and ICSI thing. And now, I hate myself. For GOD SAKE....I hate my body and all that it CAN'T do...And I can't change that. Not now. No amount of therapy can change the hate I Feel for my body.

Let's not forget to mention the unexplained BLADDER pain after every D n C. I couldn't get off the toilet tonight. Popped another Darvocet and the old standby pain reliever AZO to get some relief. Ever had a charlie horse? Well, even though the worse bladder spasms are over, my gut feels like it has been repeatedly punched over and over and over again till it is black and blue and bruised from the INSIDE.

And, my insides feel like they have been rubbed overly vigorously with coarse grit sandpaper. Oh, wait.....That is pretty much what happened on FRIDAY.

THE HORMONES----I AM CRASHING......depth of dispair, pit of pain.

Oh yea....80% of the women in their childbearing years at the party I went to to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday this Saturday were pregnant...I wasn't. Not anymore.

Not anymore.

My body is a cage. I can't escape it. And right now, I HATE IT. I think I Have an ulcer. My henaches are back in my head. Let's not even mention my useless oversized breasts. Did I ever tell you I went out and bought some maternity bras? You know, the ones you can unhook to nures a baby?

I am done.

I wish I could turn back time and get my child bearing years back and line them up with my marriage so we could just do it like rabbits and have a kid on our own.

I hate myself.

cluck---