You know, I still want a baby. And so does my husband. So what do we do?
I don't really know.
We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.
It seems like a viable solution.
Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.
And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.
We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.
That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.
But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.
I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...
Cluck...
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile - or sick and tired of being sick and tired
I am sick and tired.
Honestly. There is nothing I would rather be than not sick and tired.
There simply is not enough life left in me to be partial to doing much of anything right now and I gotta tell you this is rather scarey. To me at least.
Infertility is the well, the worst thing that I ever encountered in my whole stinking life. I mean, really.
The range of emotions is incredible. The amount of lack of control one feels is startling and unnerving to even the strongest of persons.
The strain it puts on my relationship with my husband is incredible. I mean, what else could it do to me that would be worse than not being able to have a baby than ending my marriage. It hasn't yet done it, but by God it was pushing on the envelope of tolerance pretty well.
I can't explain in words the sadness I feel. There isn't anything else I feel at the moment. Thank God. Because the anger is so stifling.
The sadness at least just drives me into the ground, or rather into bed to sleep it off.
The frustration well, that was the worst emotion of them all. The frustration of not being able to do anything else. We were relaxed. We were in good health. We did everything right to the number and the letter just like we were told and still NOTHING and no hope left and
NO FRIGGING MONEY LEFT.
The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile is like a shroud that you carry with you for the rest of your life.
Time has passed me by. I am done with my fertile years I am told. Too old. Too this too that but still no answers. Is age the only issue? Then why try at all? Why do it to being with? Why do IVF/ICSI without hope?
I read some entries from my journal this past December. When we were still in the early testing phases of this go around. I was so hopeful. I was so full of anticipation and that energy, if I Remember correctly was so positive and honest. And then, nothingness. It went from trying to nothingness. From positive and hopeful despite all of our setbacks, pain, loneliness, trials, losses and right up until the end...we had it, that wishful, honest hope that only comes from desperation I think now on it.
Desperation is a feeling that I think few people really get and the saddest thing is, there is medicine and medical practice in the world today in so many ways that breeds from people's desperation. I know I was played. I got it hook line and sinker. I was desperate, still am really, and I would do just about anything, no I would have done ANYTHING and probably still would to be able to have a baby of our own.
I walked, willingly through the GATES of HELL.
I am not kidding.
It hurt.
It really hurt, physically so painful.
I am not a whiner nor a weakling. Not that I should even have to justify it in any way but I feel I do.
Just lie still.
Just don't move around.
Take your narcotics and stop calling now.
That is what I got.
What type of medicine assumes as much as this type does?
Let's just assume that her pain is from this or that or whatever? That is how it seemed to me. So many assumptions.
Emptiness is another so stifling emotion.
OH my god I feel so drained. So empty now.
The chances are what now?
What are my chances assuming my husband and I just go back to trying ourselves? I can't even imagine.
I mean, first of all, we bought, hook line and sinker the diagnosis of infertile didn't we? SO, how can we go back to just being a couple trying on our own. That harbours even more emptiness for me in the end because we already bought (literally) our diagnosis.
Without anymore chances, how can we hope for a better outcome than what we already experienced?
Anyone?
Anyone have any answers to this?
Come on, someone try?
Answer people get this ok?This is not GOD"S FRIGGIN PLAN FOR ME! This is not for the best and it is most certainly NOT SOMETHING I CAN JUST GET OVER....I hate this, you hate it too for me I imagine but in the end it is something that I HAVE>>>>>>>>>Plain and simple.
Do you know how badly we want a baby?
I didn't know how badly I really wanted a family until I couldn't have one of my own. I want to know why this is happening to us! More than anything, I want to know why this is happening to us. My husband and I are good, hardworking people.
I simply cannot imagine my life with this overbearing shadow of a miscalculation in timing, process, and medicine. I did everything right didn't I? I didn't marry a jackass of a man just to have kids? I knew waiting was the right thing.
SO Why am I BEING PUNISHED LIKE THIS? ? ??? ?
Ok, so life isn't fair. I get that. I do. But, just this once, this one thing, this one BIG thing, I would like to catch a break on....PLEASE! And my husband, he is younger than I am. He could, well there are a lot of "he could have" out there...I shudder to think. I know the truth is that we both carry this burden with us. And without it, we would have a baby on the way right? ? ?? ?
cluck...
Honestly. There is nothing I would rather be than not sick and tired.
There simply is not enough life left in me to be partial to doing much of anything right now and I gotta tell you this is rather scarey. To me at least.
Infertility is the well, the worst thing that I ever encountered in my whole stinking life. I mean, really.
The range of emotions is incredible. The amount of lack of control one feels is startling and unnerving to even the strongest of persons.
The strain it puts on my relationship with my husband is incredible. I mean, what else could it do to me that would be worse than not being able to have a baby than ending my marriage. It hasn't yet done it, but by God it was pushing on the envelope of tolerance pretty well.
I can't explain in words the sadness I feel. There isn't anything else I feel at the moment. Thank God. Because the anger is so stifling.
The sadness at least just drives me into the ground, or rather into bed to sleep it off.
The frustration well, that was the worst emotion of them all. The frustration of not being able to do anything else. We were relaxed. We were in good health. We did everything right to the number and the letter just like we were told and still NOTHING and no hope left and
NO FRIGGING MONEY LEFT.
The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile is like a shroud that you carry with you for the rest of your life.
Time has passed me by. I am done with my fertile years I am told. Too old. Too this too that but still no answers. Is age the only issue? Then why try at all? Why do it to being with? Why do IVF/ICSI without hope?
I read some entries from my journal this past December. When we were still in the early testing phases of this go around. I was so hopeful. I was so full of anticipation and that energy, if I Remember correctly was so positive and honest. And then, nothingness. It went from trying to nothingness. From positive and hopeful despite all of our setbacks, pain, loneliness, trials, losses and right up until the end...we had it, that wishful, honest hope that only comes from desperation I think now on it.
Desperation is a feeling that I think few people really get and the saddest thing is, there is medicine and medical practice in the world today in so many ways that breeds from people's desperation. I know I was played. I got it hook line and sinker. I was desperate, still am really, and I would do just about anything, no I would have done ANYTHING and probably still would to be able to have a baby of our own.
I walked, willingly through the GATES of HELL.
I am not kidding.
It hurt.
It really hurt, physically so painful.
I am not a whiner nor a weakling. Not that I should even have to justify it in any way but I feel I do.
Just lie still.
Just don't move around.
Take your narcotics and stop calling now.
That is what I got.
What type of medicine assumes as much as this type does?
Let's just assume that her pain is from this or that or whatever? That is how it seemed to me. So many assumptions.
Emptiness is another so stifling emotion.
OH my god I feel so drained. So empty now.
The chances are what now?
What are my chances assuming my husband and I just go back to trying ourselves? I can't even imagine.
I mean, first of all, we bought, hook line and sinker the diagnosis of infertile didn't we? SO, how can we go back to just being a couple trying on our own. That harbours even more emptiness for me in the end because we already bought (literally) our diagnosis.
Without anymore chances, how can we hope for a better outcome than what we already experienced?
Anyone?
Anyone have any answers to this?
Come on, someone try?
Answer people get this ok?This is not GOD"S FRIGGIN PLAN FOR ME! This is not for the best and it is most certainly NOT SOMETHING I CAN JUST GET OVER....I hate this, you hate it too for me I imagine but in the end it is something that I HAVE>>>>>>>>>Plain and simple.
Do you know how badly we want a baby?
I didn't know how badly I really wanted a family until I couldn't have one of my own. I want to know why this is happening to us! More than anything, I want to know why this is happening to us. My husband and I are good, hardworking people.
I simply cannot imagine my life with this overbearing shadow of a miscalculation in timing, process, and medicine. I did everything right didn't I? I didn't marry a jackass of a man just to have kids? I knew waiting was the right thing.
SO Why am I BEING PUNISHED LIKE THIS? ? ??? ?
Ok, so life isn't fair. I get that. I do. But, just this once, this one thing, this one BIG thing, I would like to catch a break on....PLEASE! And my husband, he is younger than I am. He could, well there are a lot of "he could have" out there...I shudder to think. I know the truth is that we both carry this burden with us. And without it, we would have a baby on the way right? ? ?? ?
cluck...
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
And now a gentler refrain
I try in my posts to focus less on the medical side of things and more on the what am I feeling side of things. I think for this one post at least I am going to start off in a different dreft...
I had a D&C on Friday of last week. Under general anethesia. My blood pressure shot up so high they couldn't give me the pittocin like medication to help my ute contract and expel contents even more. So, I didn't bleed at all on Sat and Sun afternoon. I thought, to myself...GREAT! This is going to go nice and clean and easy.
I was wrong!
On Sunday evening, around 11:30 pm, the worst pain ever started while sitting on the toilet and hasn't really let up since. I mean, honestly, writhing on the floor, crying out loud, scaring the dogs and probably the neighors type pain. I sat out here on my computer blaming myself for it. Broken stupid me. Until 6:30 am when my hubby got up. I had taken some heavy duty pain medication. I didn't work. I was going INSANE. I am not kidding.
SO, I called the doctor who did this to me's office...BLADDER INFECTION they proclaimed. Go get a urinalysis. Why, I asked? I am bleeding like mad at this point? Oh, they said, the blood is secondary to the bacteria they will find.
Let me clue you in gentle reader...
Despite all the hate I spewed forth in my last post for my body, I know it very well.
I do NOT have a BlADDER INFECTION...oh no. We are not going there again...like before.
For over 8 years, doctors all over the place, in Emergency rooms, in country clinics while on vacation, in major medical centers in important US cities diagnosed my writhing, penetrating, seriously debiliating PAIN....as
BlADDER INFECTION!
Guess what? I never was a only a bladder infection. See, my body is plagued with....drum roll please....
I like this color....ENDOMETRIOSIS....YES! Great globs of it...
So let me first apologize to my ovaries...because two years ago, after bouts of debiliating pain that were leading me towards losing my job, I had not 1 but two surgeries, one with a huge robot and 4 stomach inscions to save my ovaries from the ravages of hell and endometriosis....MAke that 6 stomach incisions....
Then, let me apologize to my uterus....endo all over that too...and a giant fibriod to boot. A bad one. TAKE IT OUT!
So....NOW.....guess what...
GO get tested for bladder infection, do a dirty urinalysis and we can then rule out anything serious like a BLADDER INFECTION.....saz the doctor who did this to me via his nurse.
Oh no. they weren't getting off that easy.
So, I throw bad 2 more heavy duty pain meds...hallucinate a little bit longer and wait until 2pm to see my family doctor who has NEVER EVER LET ME DOWN. THANK GOD FOR HIM!
I go in, he looks at me, takes my temp, pushes gently around and DECLARES!!!! RATHER EMphatically.....
You have more going on here than an BLADDER INFECTION and oh, I can't really get a good test of on your pee (he didn't use those words really) b/c of the BLOOD!!!!
So hubby and I (he is home from work for like the 2nd Monday in a row)...jump in the car and drive off to the Doctor who did this to me's office.
I am told to get on the scan table to be probbed again with the photographic dildo when I try to lay back..hey look at that....SHE CAN"T STRAIGHTEN OUT HER LEGS!!!!
Oh, when did this start the nurse exclaimed (I am trying to be dramatic but not for effect)...Husband was ready to jump out of skin and all over nurse. The doctor who did this to me comes in and proclaims....oh..you have a big blood clot in there.
And oh by the way, just to remind you, this is your fault he saz since you had high blood pressure while on the table on Friday and they couldn't give you the pittocin like drug....YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE THAT LOOKED AT BY THE FAMILY DOC THAT COULDN"T DO THE BLOOD URINALYSIS on you...Did he take your BP while there? No...I say. Because it would have just been high anyway....
PAIN...remember? ? ? ?
So, now, huge amounts of antibiotics are pouring into me...for the mysterious NON-BLADDER infections....
I get to get gorked out on some other high power narcotic durg. That is fun! NOT....
And that is it!
I am sorry body of mine. I forget everything that plauges us sometimes. And it doesn't even mean I don't notice, it just means I forget.
I have to now, wait until the tissue passes. Sort of like elongated LABOR pains really. To pass the forgotten blood clot.
I should also mention...I don't have High blood pressure until I go to anethesia. I told that pusher drug man before he gorked me out major that I was susceptible to it while out and under and recovering. I guess he didn't think it was important enough to listen to me....I guess he also expects to get paid...
cluck....
the hen
I had a D&C on Friday of last week. Under general anethesia. My blood pressure shot up so high they couldn't give me the pittocin like medication to help my ute contract and expel contents even more. So, I didn't bleed at all on Sat and Sun afternoon. I thought, to myself...GREAT! This is going to go nice and clean and easy.
I was wrong!
On Sunday evening, around 11:30 pm, the worst pain ever started while sitting on the toilet and hasn't really let up since. I mean, honestly, writhing on the floor, crying out loud, scaring the dogs and probably the neighors type pain. I sat out here on my computer blaming myself for it. Broken stupid me. Until 6:30 am when my hubby got up. I had taken some heavy duty pain medication. I didn't work. I was going INSANE. I am not kidding.
SO, I called the doctor who did this to me's office...BLADDER INFECTION they proclaimed. Go get a urinalysis. Why, I asked? I am bleeding like mad at this point? Oh, they said, the blood is secondary to the bacteria they will find.
Let me clue you in gentle reader...
Despite all the hate I spewed forth in my last post for my body, I know it very well.
I do NOT have a BlADDER INFECTION...oh no. We are not going there again...like before.
For over 8 years, doctors all over the place, in Emergency rooms, in country clinics while on vacation, in major medical centers in important US cities diagnosed my writhing, penetrating, seriously debiliating PAIN....as
BlADDER INFECTION!
Guess what? I never was a only a bladder infection. See, my body is plagued with....drum roll please....
I like this color....ENDOMETRIOSIS....YES! Great globs of it...
So let me first apologize to my ovaries...because two years ago, after bouts of debiliating pain that were leading me towards losing my job, I had not 1 but two surgeries, one with a huge robot and 4 stomach inscions to save my ovaries from the ravages of hell and endometriosis....MAke that 6 stomach incisions....
Then, let me apologize to my uterus....endo all over that too...and a giant fibriod to boot. A bad one. TAKE IT OUT!
So....NOW.....guess what...
GO get tested for bladder infection, do a dirty urinalysis and we can then rule out anything serious like a BLADDER INFECTION.....saz the doctor who did this to me via his nurse.
Oh no. they weren't getting off that easy.
So, I throw bad 2 more heavy duty pain meds...hallucinate a little bit longer and wait until 2pm to see my family doctor who has NEVER EVER LET ME DOWN. THANK GOD FOR HIM!
I go in, he looks at me, takes my temp, pushes gently around and DECLARES!!!! RATHER EMphatically.....
You have more going on here than an BLADDER INFECTION and oh, I can't really get a good test of on your pee (he didn't use those words really) b/c of the BLOOD!!!!
So hubby and I (he is home from work for like the 2nd Monday in a row)...jump in the car and drive off to the Doctor who did this to me's office.
I am told to get on the scan table to be probbed again with the photographic dildo when I try to lay back..hey look at that....SHE CAN"T STRAIGHTEN OUT HER LEGS!!!!
Oh, when did this start the nurse exclaimed (I am trying to be dramatic but not for effect)...Husband was ready to jump out of skin and all over nurse. The doctor who did this to me comes in and proclaims....oh..you have a big blood clot in there.
And oh by the way, just to remind you, this is your fault he saz since you had high blood pressure while on the table on Friday and they couldn't give you the pittocin like drug....YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE THAT LOOKED AT BY THE FAMILY DOC THAT COULDN"T DO THE BLOOD URINALYSIS on you...Did he take your BP while there? No...I say. Because it would have just been high anyway....
PAIN...remember? ? ? ?
So, now, huge amounts of antibiotics are pouring into me...for the mysterious NON-BLADDER infections....
I get to get gorked out on some other high power narcotic durg. That is fun! NOT....
And that is it!
I am sorry body of mine. I forget everything that plauges us sometimes. And it doesn't even mean I don't notice, it just means I forget.
I have to now, wait until the tissue passes. Sort of like elongated LABOR pains really. To pass the forgotten blood clot.
I should also mention...I don't have High blood pressure until I go to anethesia. I told that pusher drug man before he gorked me out major that I was susceptible to it while out and under and recovering. I guess he didn't think it was important enough to listen to me....I guess he also expects to get paid...
cluck....
the hen
Monday, June 30, 2008
Nasty thoughts about my body...
first, thank you to everyone who commented....it means a lot....
now...moving on....
Nasty thoughts about my body - by thehenherself
let's start at the very beginning.
The ovary
- more than once during this whole ordeal have I wanted to rip you both out of my body and stomp you on the ground like a rotten piece of fruit. And now you torment me, after the D & C with not so subtle painful reminders. Stabbing pains. Where is my pocket knife - I want to cut you out and stomp on you with big boots and leave you in the street to rot. Tried my whole life to subdue your rants and raves with birth control, shots, patches, pills...And now when I need you to perform as intended you fail me. I hate you both. Especially you left ovary. Useless bitch. You caused me more pain that anything internal or external ever has in my whole life.
Moving in on the UTERUS -
Piece of shit uterus. Useless since the day I met you as a preteen getting my 1st period. I imagine you were scraped clean of the shit smelling, rotten blood colored tissue. And my baby. You couldn't hang in there just a little longer could you? Make yourself useful for once. I am tired of the brown clumps dropping out of my body. I wish I Could wring you out between my hands and put you in the disposal. Chop you up into little bits. Cause that is how I feel. Chopped up into little bits. You torment me even further still by clamping and cramping. Can you please just go away? Leave me alone and disappear!
And now the vagina -
Have you ever tried to imagine that you might have been useful for something more than a skin sheath for a dick? You know, things go in all the time. You were once something to play with. Something that was dear to me because you were pleasureable to have. DId it ever occur that perhaps something could COME OUT beside the smelly stench of rotten blood and tissue? Like maybe a baby? Piss on you. I wish I could clamp you shut. I hate you too.
And the clitoris -
Fuck you clitoris. You have been sitting back tucked so neatly away in la la land of external gentalia that you don't even count for anything anymore. No amount of pleading could ever make me want to touch you or be touched again. If you think you are coming back online as soon as the pain of the D n C is over, you are nuts. Fuck you clitoris. I could cut you out and laugh at the pain. That is what I have to do all the time anyway right? Put on a brave face. A front so no one really will know how bad I feel. Liar.
And the labia -
Where is my stapler? Needle and thread? I want to sew you up. So nothing in, nothing out. No more weekly invasions from the ultrasound dildo. No more specula...no more suppositories. No more fake promises and lies. No more chances for it to work, this time. No more on a wing and prayer. No more looking at my twat when I am under anethesia. And no more of you. I used to think you were neat. Now, your drooping lips and overgrown hair make me want to puke. I am tired. I am tired of you labia. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I could sew you up so no one and nothing could gain access.
I was only given a 35% chance of this working. This IVF and ICSI thing. And now, I hate myself. For GOD SAKE....I hate my body and all that it CAN'T do...And I can't change that. Not now. No amount of therapy can change the hate I Feel for my body.
Let's not forget to mention the unexplained BLADDER pain after every D n C. I couldn't get off the toilet tonight. Popped another Darvocet and the old standby pain reliever AZO to get some relief. Ever had a charlie horse? Well, even though the worse bladder spasms are over, my gut feels like it has been repeatedly punched over and over and over again till it is black and blue and bruised from the INSIDE.
And, my insides feel like they have been rubbed overly vigorously with coarse grit sandpaper. Oh, wait.....That is pretty much what happened on FRIDAY.
THE HORMONES----I AM CRASHING......depth of dispair, pit of pain.
Oh yea....80% of the women in their childbearing years at the party I went to to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday this Saturday were pregnant...I wasn't. Not anymore.
Not anymore.
My body is a cage. I can't escape it. And right now, I HATE IT. I think I Have an ulcer. My henaches are back in my head. Let's not even mention my useless oversized breasts. Did I ever tell you I went out and bought some maternity bras? You know, the ones you can unhook to nures a baby?
I am done.
I wish I could turn back time and get my child bearing years back and line them up with my marriage so we could just do it like rabbits and have a kid on our own.
I hate myself.
cluck---
now...moving on....
Nasty thoughts about my body - by thehenherself
let's start at the very beginning.
The ovary
- more than once during this whole ordeal have I wanted to rip you both out of my body and stomp you on the ground like a rotten piece of fruit. And now you torment me, after the D & C with not so subtle painful reminders. Stabbing pains. Where is my pocket knife - I want to cut you out and stomp on you with big boots and leave you in the street to rot. Tried my whole life to subdue your rants and raves with birth control, shots, patches, pills...And now when I need you to perform as intended you fail me. I hate you both. Especially you left ovary. Useless bitch. You caused me more pain that anything internal or external ever has in my whole life.
Moving in on the UTERUS -
Piece of shit uterus. Useless since the day I met you as a preteen getting my 1st period. I imagine you were scraped clean of the shit smelling, rotten blood colored tissue. And my baby. You couldn't hang in there just a little longer could you? Make yourself useful for once. I am tired of the brown clumps dropping out of my body. I wish I Could wring you out between my hands and put you in the disposal. Chop you up into little bits. Cause that is how I feel. Chopped up into little bits. You torment me even further still by clamping and cramping. Can you please just go away? Leave me alone and disappear!
And now the vagina -
Have you ever tried to imagine that you might have been useful for something more than a skin sheath for a dick? You know, things go in all the time. You were once something to play with. Something that was dear to me because you were pleasureable to have. DId it ever occur that perhaps something could COME OUT beside the smelly stench of rotten blood and tissue? Like maybe a baby? Piss on you. I wish I could clamp you shut. I hate you too.
And the clitoris -
Fuck you clitoris. You have been sitting back tucked so neatly away in la la land of external gentalia that you don't even count for anything anymore. No amount of pleading could ever make me want to touch you or be touched again. If you think you are coming back online as soon as the pain of the D n C is over, you are nuts. Fuck you clitoris. I could cut you out and laugh at the pain. That is what I have to do all the time anyway right? Put on a brave face. A front so no one really will know how bad I feel. Liar.
And the labia -
Where is my stapler? Needle and thread? I want to sew you up. So nothing in, nothing out. No more weekly invasions from the ultrasound dildo. No more specula...no more suppositories. No more fake promises and lies. No more chances for it to work, this time. No more on a wing and prayer. No more looking at my twat when I am under anethesia. And no more of you. I used to think you were neat. Now, your drooping lips and overgrown hair make me want to puke. I am tired. I am tired of you labia. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I could sew you up so no one and nothing could gain access.
I was only given a 35% chance of this working. This IVF and ICSI thing. And now, I hate myself. For GOD SAKE....I hate my body and all that it CAN'T do...And I can't change that. Not now. No amount of therapy can change the hate I Feel for my body.
Let's not forget to mention the unexplained BLADDER pain after every D n C. I couldn't get off the toilet tonight. Popped another Darvocet and the old standby pain reliever AZO to get some relief. Ever had a charlie horse? Well, even though the worse bladder spasms are over, my gut feels like it has been repeatedly punched over and over and over again till it is black and blue and bruised from the INSIDE.
And, my insides feel like they have been rubbed overly vigorously with coarse grit sandpaper. Oh, wait.....That is pretty much what happened on FRIDAY.
THE HORMONES----I AM CRASHING......depth of dispair, pit of pain.
Oh yea....80% of the women in their childbearing years at the party I went to to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday this Saturday were pregnant...I wasn't. Not anymore.
Not anymore.
My body is a cage. I can't escape it. And right now, I HATE IT. I think I Have an ulcer. My henaches are back in my head. Let's not even mention my useless oversized breasts. Did I ever tell you I went out and bought some maternity bras? You know, the ones you can unhook to nures a baby?
I am done.
I wish I could turn back time and get my child bearing years back and line them up with my marriage so we could just do it like rabbits and have a kid on our own.
I hate myself.
cluck---
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I GOT IT
I got pregnant. I am PG right now. Yup...preggers. Can you friggin believe that?
I don't.
I don't believe it.
The more I ignore it, the less it seems to bother me that I DON"T believe IT.
I am messed up.
We are only 4 weeks 5 days PG today. Now stay with me here. I have officially MISSED my period if I was going to have one. If I was a fertile person, I would have tested positive on a home preggo test. Which I did. My blood work clearly is PG PG PG positive. So, nutcase me, I don't believe it.
I Feel like I am in withdrawl from my RE's office. Weekly, then bi weekly scans. Blood work blood work blood work. Then....BLAMO.....
Nothing. No more monitoring for two weeks. No more looks inside the ute for 2 freaking WEEKS..
Now. I am going through severe what is it called.....
I forget. I can't think straight because apparently...I AM PREGNANT!!!!!
Tell the paper!
love to the eggs...the hen
I don't.
I don't believe it.
The more I ignore it, the less it seems to bother me that I DON"T believe IT.
I am messed up.
We are only 4 weeks 5 days PG today. Now stay with me here. I have officially MISSED my period if I was going to have one. If I was a fertile person, I would have tested positive on a home preggo test. Which I did. My blood work clearly is PG PG PG positive. So, nutcase me, I don't believe it.
I Feel like I am in withdrawl from my RE's office. Weekly, then bi weekly scans. Blood work blood work blood work. Then....BLAMO.....
Nothing. No more monitoring for two weeks. No more looks inside the ute for 2 freaking WEEKS..
Now. I am going through severe what is it called.....
I forget. I can't think straight because apparently...I AM PREGNANT!!!!!
Tell the paper!
love to the eggs...the hen
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Big pads, big dreams, big tears
I bought the biggest maxi pads I have ever seen in my life at CVS the other day. You know what, the days of trying to fit my big old whooha into the little thong size pantiliner sized maxi pads are OVER....AND TAMPONS...for get it. I want to see what is coming out of me. AND more importantly:
LET IS FLOW!
LET IT FLOW!
LET IT FLOW!
Yes, I am losing my mind. If I have to have a period while trying to conceive a child after a 1 week stint of follicle stimulating HENMONES...and LutHENizing HENMONES not to mention some prometriHEN then I WANT TO GO BIG....BIG PADS...BIG BOOBS... BIG MOOD SWINGS...BIG NEWS...on the horizon...
Yes, we go to the RE (reproductive endocrHENologist) on Thursday for an ULTRASOUND....To see if we can PROCEED....
IF not, then surgery. SURGERY..FUN....GET TO TAKE A DAY I GUESS...BUT W/O PAY....hmpf....
THEN we get to pay more money to get MORE HENMONES to shoot into my already confused as hell body. I still have like 2000 dollars of drugs in my refrigerator.
You know what...had we started when we planned to (WE DON"T NEED NO STINKING PLAN....DR. FrankHENstein the Reprodcutive endocrHENologist is in CHARGE...even he doesn't have a plan per se)...WE would have found out if we were PG already....or NOT...
I prefer the PG option....
Anyone?
CLUCK....
the hen herself
LET IS FLOW!
LET IT FLOW!
LET IT FLOW!
Yes, I am losing my mind. If I have to have a period while trying to conceive a child after a 1 week stint of follicle stimulating HENMONES...and LutHENizing HENMONES not to mention some prometriHEN then I WANT TO GO BIG....BIG PADS...BIG BOOBS... BIG MOOD SWINGS...BIG NEWS...on the horizon...
Yes, we go to the RE (reproductive endocrHENologist) on Thursday for an ULTRASOUND....To see if we can PROCEED....
IF not, then surgery. SURGERY..FUN....GET TO TAKE A DAY I GUESS...BUT W/O PAY....hmpf....
THEN we get to pay more money to get MORE HENMONES to shoot into my already confused as hell body. I still have like 2000 dollars of drugs in my refrigerator.
You know what...had we started when we planned to (WE DON"T NEED NO STINKING PLAN....DR. FrankHENstein the Reprodcutive endocrHENologist is in CHARGE...even he doesn't have a plan per se)...WE would have found out if we were PG already....or NOT...
I prefer the PG option....
Anyone?
CLUCK....
the hen herself
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Questions...the hen wants to know
The hen here wants to know what in the hell is going on...I want to know why and how people who have crack addictions can get treatment without having to incur incredible debt but I, a God fearing, tax paying, sober, non-addicted, employed, educated, loving, friendly and eligible parent with my husband of the same description cannot get financial AID or assistance or EVEN insurance coverage for the treatment of OUR condition called INFER FUCKING TILITY..... Any takers on that questions? Huh? Anyone?
Didn't think so...YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
Because this isn't seen by society, our employers or the insurance company as an illness or a CONDITION that can be treated.
Instead, we are, especially us women...because you know men can have kids well into their senility years...VILLIFIED....KNOW what that word means? IT MEANS we are acting in a criminal way so much so that society tends to allow the condition to exist where we are told to be SILENT..that somehow this is OUR CHOICE...NO KIDS by 38...hmmmm MUST BE YOUR FAULT you career building, education seeking, kept your legs shut and your birth control current and up to date, even had an abortion when it made more sense to than to bring an UNWANTED, illegitimate child into the world GIRL....YOU stinking old school terminally USELESS WOMB YOU.....
Yes...I am pissed off. I saw a show of a minister's wife who already had 6 kids under the age of 5 when she knowingly GAVE BIRTH to conjoined TWINS...who later in life had to undergo millions of dollars worth of surgery to seperate themselves...WHO FUCKING PAID FOR THE THAT? ? ? ? DID they? DOUBT IT>........
I don't hate these people who burden the health care system or society...I HATE that we live in a society that DOESNOT burden some while they unfairly BURDEN others.....
That is all....
DRUG free sans hormones until my period comes...so CLUCK
-the hen...her fucking self...
Didn't think so...YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
Because this isn't seen by society, our employers or the insurance company as an illness or a CONDITION that can be treated.
Instead, we are, especially us women...because you know men can have kids well into their senility years...VILLIFIED....KNOW what that word means? IT MEANS we are acting in a criminal way so much so that society tends to allow the condition to exist where we are told to be SILENT..that somehow this is OUR CHOICE...NO KIDS by 38...hmmmm MUST BE YOUR FAULT you career building, education seeking, kept your legs shut and your birth control current and up to date, even had an abortion when it made more sense to than to bring an UNWANTED, illegitimate child into the world GIRL....YOU stinking old school terminally USELESS WOMB YOU.....
Yes...I am pissed off. I saw a show of a minister's wife who already had 6 kids under the age of 5 when she knowingly GAVE BIRTH to conjoined TWINS...who later in life had to undergo millions of dollars worth of surgery to seperate themselves...WHO FUCKING PAID FOR THE THAT? ? ? ? DID they? DOUBT IT>........
I don't hate these people who burden the health care system or society...I HATE that we live in a society that DOESNOT burden some while they unfairly BURDEN others.....
That is all....
DRUG free sans hormones until my period comes...so CLUCK
-the hen...her fucking self...
Monday, March 10, 2008
Keep your chin up....
That is what my dad said last night. "Keep your chin up." Good advice really. This is not for the faint of heart.
I am now taking a drug to induce a menstrual cycle. So I can bleed out the cause of our IVF pause. Prometrium is the name and progesterone is the game. If it doesn't work, then I need to have a D n C. Hooray... More surgery.
The thing that bugs me so and always has in this whole process is this: My husband and I desperately want a child. We are a stable relationship with good families on our side. And we can't have a child the "normal" way. We can't and we won't unless we go through this process. Or decide to bag it all at some point and adopt.
Adopt what? If we want an American baby, we would adopt a child from some woman or girl who can have kids but doesn't want one. Or it was an accident. Or they are druggies and can't keep one. Or, they are already over burdened with childen and don't want to have another.
I loathe these people. It comes so easy yet is so unwanted. I hate their uteruses and their ovaries for doing their job when the outcome is not desired. I hate those people who end up keeping that unwanted child for whatever reason, more child support, for public assistance, pure ignorance or whatever.
And I am not being judgemental in the normal sense. I am being judgemental because I am the other side of the coin and no matter how hard I chase the head, I am always going to be the tail. No matter what.
There is nothing I want more than a baby to call our own. And it breaks my heart because in some area high schools around here, girls are having babies because it is the latest trend...ha...right. Trendy.
When I was younger, I worked hard NOT to have a child. Because my mom told me, "We will not raise another child in this house" and because I knew it was NOT what I wanted for my life now.
Now, I am working even harder to have a child...the irony is killing me. So are the hormones.
6 more weeks of henaches before we can go on some LUPRON...hooray. Then more waiting and hoping...
Cluck...
the hen herself
I am now taking a drug to induce a menstrual cycle. So I can bleed out the cause of our IVF pause. Prometrium is the name and progesterone is the game. If it doesn't work, then I need to have a D n C. Hooray... More surgery.
The thing that bugs me so and always has in this whole process is this: My husband and I desperately want a child. We are a stable relationship with good families on our side. And we can't have a child the "normal" way. We can't and we won't unless we go through this process. Or decide to bag it all at some point and adopt.
Adopt what? If we want an American baby, we would adopt a child from some woman or girl who can have kids but doesn't want one. Or it was an accident. Or they are druggies and can't keep one. Or, they are already over burdened with childen and don't want to have another.
I loathe these people. It comes so easy yet is so unwanted. I hate their uteruses and their ovaries for doing their job when the outcome is not desired. I hate those people who end up keeping that unwanted child for whatever reason, more child support, for public assistance, pure ignorance or whatever.
And I am not being judgemental in the normal sense. I am being judgemental because I am the other side of the coin and no matter how hard I chase the head, I am always going to be the tail. No matter what.
There is nothing I want more than a baby to call our own. And it breaks my heart because in some area high schools around here, girls are having babies because it is the latest trend...ha...right. Trendy.
When I was younger, I worked hard NOT to have a child. Because my mom told me, "We will not raise another child in this house" and because I knew it was NOT what I wanted for my life now.
Now, I am working even harder to have a child...the irony is killing me. So are the hormones.
6 more weeks of henaches before we can go on some LUPRON...hooray. Then more waiting and hoping...
Cluck...
the hen herself
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The hen herself
What am I doing this for? The hen, well she lays the eggs because she is programmed to do so. Like now, the hens are not laying eggs. Why? It is simply too cold outside not condusive to happy egg laying. When the stars align and the weather is right, they start laying and don't stop unless something prompts them too...like the weather or stress or lack of food etc etc....
This hen, well, she has been waiting too. For the right time, the right place and the right everything. Problem is you see, I waited a little too long and my eggs are a little too old to make a healthy happy chick. Pshaw! I am infertile. Hmpf. I'll say it myself because I read it a millions time up to this point...I am a barren hen. Past the point of ripeness. I spent the majority of the past 20 years trying not to get pregnant. And now, the stars are aligned correctly, and when I am ready, well my body says nope.
This hen is better suited to be a good mom now than in any other point in her life. And I waited. Was very conscious of the choices I made in terms of reproduction. I am proud of my choices because they didn't compromise my life or the life of anyone else born or not.
The hen herself is like my hyper wanting to be a mom alter ego. The hen is getting ready. Taking daily shots. Enduring bloating, cramping and OH the HEN-ACHES. THE HEN ACHES!!!!!
Let me tell you about those some other time!
We have eggs to recruit!
-the hen
This hen, well, she has been waiting too. For the right time, the right place and the right everything. Problem is you see, I waited a little too long and my eggs are a little too old to make a healthy happy chick. Pshaw! I am infertile. Hmpf. I'll say it myself because I read it a millions time up to this point...I am a barren hen. Past the point of ripeness. I spent the majority of the past 20 years trying not to get pregnant. And now, the stars are aligned correctly, and when I am ready, well my body says nope.
This hen is better suited to be a good mom now than in any other point in her life. And I waited. Was very conscious of the choices I made in terms of reproduction. I am proud of my choices because they didn't compromise my life or the life of anyone else born or not.
The hen herself is like my hyper wanting to be a mom alter ego. The hen is getting ready. Taking daily shots. Enduring bloating, cramping and OH the HEN-ACHES. THE HEN ACHES!!!!!
Let me tell you about those some other time!
We have eggs to recruit!
-the hen
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Introduction - the Hen house
Where to begin? First, let me say this, I am no expert of infertility and I am not particularly interested in "baby dust" and "good luck to your embies" and this is the best - "hoping your follies do ok today". Nope. Not me. There is no such think as an embie, a follie or baby dust. As cute as it is and how ever it may help one or another to get over the whole devastation of being infertile and move into the even more interesting zone of infertility treatment. It is just not me. So don't, please don't expect me to use those terms. I won't. Not cute to me. And also, I don't like it when bloggers on fertility sites say things like 2dpt and BFN/BFP of those other TLAs that make my head hurt even more that it already does. With that being said:
Let me begin...
My name is Carla. I am a 38 year old married woman. My husband is a 32 year old man who I am married to now almost 2 years. I never subscribed to the "backlashy" notion that my biological clock was ticking. And because of that, I didn't marry the first or the second person that ever asked me. I am proud of that. I love my husband more that words can say. He is the best person I know. I am proud that we are married NOW in this time in our lives. We say often that our only mistake was that we didn't find each other sooner in life.
But, after a year of surgery to repair my painfully body parts and another year working very hard to get my career and more importantly my head on straight, we are now ready and able to proceed into the infertility treatment zone.
And it began on Sunday.
Well, it began in December last year (2007) then was sort of pushed off b/c of money reasons until February, then we found out that my ovaries were not on board with us so we had a month of birth control pills...funny huh? And so, this SUNDAY we started.
With shots.
This is needles people! Lots of them. And we are just starting. So...there you go.
That is the intro. I am sure I will have more to say in a minute. But I don't want these to get to verbose.
Please, if you read this....please say a little prayer for Will and Carla and the baby.
Now, get back to work!
Next blog....who is the hen?
Let me begin...
My name is Carla. I am a 38 year old married woman. My husband is a 32 year old man who I am married to now almost 2 years. I never subscribed to the "backlashy" notion that my biological clock was ticking. And because of that, I didn't marry the first or the second person that ever asked me. I am proud of that. I love my husband more that words can say. He is the best person I know. I am proud that we are married NOW in this time in our lives. We say often that our only mistake was that we didn't find each other sooner in life.
But, after a year of surgery to repair my painfully body parts and another year working very hard to get my career and more importantly my head on straight, we are now ready and able to proceed into the infertility treatment zone.
And it began on Sunday.
Well, it began in December last year (2007) then was sort of pushed off b/c of money reasons until February, then we found out that my ovaries were not on board with us so we had a month of birth control pills...funny huh? And so, this SUNDAY we started.
With shots.
This is needles people! Lots of them. And we are just starting. So...there you go.
That is the intro. I am sure I will have more to say in a minute. But I don't want these to get to verbose.
Please, if you read this....please say a little prayer for Will and Carla and the baby.
Now, get back to work!
Next blog....who is the hen?
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