What to do now about having a family?

You know, I still want a baby. And so does my husband. So what do we do?

I don't really know.

We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.

It seems like a viable solution.

Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.

And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.

We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.

That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.

But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.

I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...

Cluck...

Have I told you how much this is sucking!

Aside from the shots, which are somewhat anti-climactic, and the hen-aches, which are managable most times, this whole IVF thing is sucking in the following ways:

1. I still go to work and am expected to stay on top of my sales game. Be on time. Be energetic and motivated. Be nice to my co-workers and make the 1 hour drive each day without falling asleep behind the wheel and/or killing the nutso drivers. Did I mention the weather was lousy last week too!

2. My mood swings go from rage to tearful to paranoid to needy to aloof to teary and back again. Oh, that is in one second of time.

3. I was anti-sexual before this. Now, I am really neuter. I don't want to mess up whatever is going on with sex act. Hmpf. This doesn't bother me too much. I am too mindful of what is going on to spend much energy on sexual expression. But, I am still here and so is my husband. Poor him. I feel bad.

4. I can't seem to make anyone happy this week and handily that is the best I can do. Show up, be awake and vertical. So sorry to anyone who may want more from me but isn't going to get it this week. And I don't think it is going to be better tomorrow.

On a brighter note: I do feel much better today. The hen-ache is virtually non-existant. I went to a seed starting class at a local smith and hawken store. Cool place. Cool class. Fun. Can't wait for a garden to start.

This makes me think that perhaps the whole IVF thing is failing. Because I am feeling well. Oh my head.

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound and blood test since it started on Monday with the last ultrasound and blood tests.

I tortured myself and went into Babies R Us. For no reason. Ended up buying two cute outfits for my 1 year old neice. There were so many moms dads and babies in there. I want one.

I WANT TO BE A MOM AND I WANT A BABY.

IVF is a really drag ladies and gents. It is surreal. Hard to manage. Painful and frustrating. Not for the weak of heart at all. I don't feel weak though. Quite strong actually. But still worried about it working and then dealing with the dreaded sense of being even MORE inadequate as a woman and a person.

The hen is tired. Must go to sleep in the nest. More from the roost tomorrow with some news.

If anyone reads this would you mind posting to me.

Cluck....

carla- the hen herself...