The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile - or sick and tired of being sick and tired

I am sick and tired.

Honestly. There is nothing I would rather be than not sick and tired.

There simply is not enough life left in me to be partial to doing much of anything right now and I gotta tell you this is rather scarey. To me at least.

Infertility is the well, the worst thing that I ever encountered in my whole stinking life. I mean, really.

The range of emotions is incredible. The amount of lack of control one feels is startling and unnerving to even the strongest of persons.

The strain it puts on my relationship with my husband is incredible. I mean, what else could it do to me that would be worse than not being able to have a baby than ending my marriage. It hasn't yet done it, but by God it was pushing on the envelope of tolerance pretty well.

I can't explain in words the sadness I feel. There isn't anything else I feel at the moment. Thank God. Because the anger is so stifling.

The sadness at least just drives me into the ground, or rather into bed to sleep it off.

The frustration well, that was the worst emotion of them all. The frustration of not being able to do anything else. We were relaxed. We were in good health. We did everything right to the number and the letter just like we were told and still NOTHING and no hope left and

NO FRIGGING MONEY LEFT.

The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile is like a shroud that you carry with you for the rest of your life.

Time has passed me by. I am done with my fertile years I am told. Too old. Too this too that but still no answers. Is age the only issue? Then why try at all? Why do it to being with? Why do IVF/ICSI without hope?

I read some entries from my journal this past December. When we were still in the early testing phases of this go around. I was so hopeful. I was so full of anticipation and that energy, if I Remember correctly was so positive and honest. And then, nothingness. It went from trying to nothingness. From positive and hopeful despite all of our setbacks, pain, loneliness, trials, losses and right up until the end...we had it, that wishful, honest hope that only comes from desperation I think now on it.

Desperation is a feeling that I think few people really get and the saddest thing is, there is medicine and medical practice in the world today in so many ways that breeds from people's desperation. I know I was played. I got it hook line and sinker. I was desperate, still am really, and I would do just about anything, no I would have done ANYTHING and probably still would to be able to have a baby of our own.

I walked, willingly through the GATES of HELL.

I am not kidding.

It hurt.

It really hurt, physically so painful.

I am not a whiner nor a weakling. Not that I should even have to justify it in any way but I feel I do.
Just lie still.
Just don't move around.
Take your narcotics and stop calling now.
That is what I got.

What type of medicine assumes as much as this type does?

Let's just assume that her pain is from this or that or whatever? That is how it seemed to me. So many assumptions.

Emptiness is another so stifling emotion.

OH my god I feel so drained. So empty now.

The chances are what now?

What are my chances assuming my husband and I just go back to trying ourselves? I can't even imagine.

I mean, first of all, we bought, hook line and sinker the diagnosis of infertile didn't we? SO, how can we go back to just being a couple trying on our own. That harbours even more emptiness for me in the end because we already bought (literally) our diagnosis.

Without anymore chances, how can we hope for a better outcome than what we already experienced?

Anyone?
Anyone have any answers to this?
Come on, someone try?


Answer people get this ok?This is not GOD"S FRIGGIN PLAN FOR ME! This is not for the best and it is most certainly NOT SOMETHING I CAN JUST GET OVER....I hate this, you hate it too for me I imagine but in the end it is something that I HAVE>>>>>>>>>Plain and simple.

Do you know how badly we want a baby?

I didn't know how badly I really wanted a family until I couldn't have one of my own. I want to know why this is happening to us! More than anything, I want to know why this is happening to us. My husband and I are good, hardworking people.

I simply cannot imagine my life with this overbearing shadow of a miscalculation in timing, process, and medicine. I did everything right didn't I? I didn't marry a jackass of a man just to have kids? I knew waiting was the right thing.

SO Why am I BEING PUNISHED LIKE THIS? ? ??? ?

Ok, so life isn't fair. I get that. I do. But, just this once, this one thing, this one BIG thing, I would like to catch a break on....PLEASE! And my husband, he is younger than I am. He could, well there are a lot of "he could have" out there...I shudder to think. I know the truth is that we both carry this burden with us. And without it, we would have a baby on the way right? ? ?? ?


cluck...

Scoop it out, clean it up and try again

Sigh...

Guess what? I am having a D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friends wedding. Guess what else? I am starting a new cycle on Thursday after my D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friend's wedding.
Guess what? I have my 1st ultrasound following the D n C and the start of a cycle a week from Tuesday. My husband will be back for that.

I told him to go not knowing I was going to need a D n C. But, honestly, I knew. Continuation of feeling of complete inadequacy makes it imppppposible for me to ask for what I want and express what I need.

Oh yea! Guess what else....? We are moving next all this month. Our current lease has been expired by a nutso landlord. So, my dear husband gets to move us because I am going to be on a new cycle.

Lupron sucks ass. It does. I am one big HOT FLASH....

I am eating my last foods until tomorrow after my surgery. Granola bar and water. If my husband was here I would send him up to get some ice cream or some chips or something yum.

Oh well...he is not.

Love ya hubby.....

your hen

Questions...the hen wants to know

The hen here wants to know what in the hell is going on...I want to know why and how people who have crack addictions can get treatment without having to incur incredible debt but I, a God fearing, tax paying, sober, non-addicted, employed, educated, loving, friendly and eligible parent with my husband of the same description cannot get financial AID or assistance or EVEN insurance coverage for the treatment of OUR condition called INFER FUCKING TILITY..... Any takers on that questions? Huh? Anyone?

Didn't think so...YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

Because this isn't seen by society, our employers or the insurance company as an illness or a CONDITION that can be treated.

Instead, we are, especially us women...because you know men can have kids well into their senility years...VILLIFIED....KNOW what that word means? IT MEANS we are acting in a criminal way so much so that society tends to allow the condition to exist where we are told to be SILENT..that somehow this is OUR CHOICE...NO KIDS by 38...hmmmm MUST BE YOUR FAULT you career building, education seeking, kept your legs shut and your birth control current and up to date, even had an abortion when it made more sense to than to bring an UNWANTED, illegitimate child into the world GIRL....YOU stinking old school terminally USELESS WOMB YOU.....

Yes...I am pissed off. I saw a show of a minister's wife who already had 6 kids under the age of 5 when she knowingly GAVE BIRTH to conjoined TWINS...who later in life had to undergo millions of dollars worth of surgery to seperate themselves...WHO FUCKING PAID FOR THE THAT? ? ? ? DID they? DOUBT IT>........

I don't hate these people who burden the health care system or society...I HATE that we live in a society that DOESNOT burden some while they unfairly BURDEN others.....

That is all....

DRUG free sans hormones until my period comes...so CLUCK

-the hen...her fucking self...

The hen herself

What am I doing this for? The hen, well she lays the eggs because she is programmed to do so. Like now, the hens are not laying eggs. Why? It is simply too cold outside not condusive to happy egg laying. When the stars align and the weather is right, they start laying and don't stop unless something prompts them too...like the weather or stress or lack of food etc etc....

This hen, well, she has been waiting too. For the right time, the right place and the right everything. Problem is you see, I waited a little too long and my eggs are a little too old to make a healthy happy chick. Pshaw! I am infertile. Hmpf. I'll say it myself because I read it a millions time up to this point...I am a barren hen. Past the point of ripeness. I spent the majority of the past 20 years trying not to get pregnant. And now, the stars are aligned correctly, and when I am ready, well my body says nope.

This hen is better suited to be a good mom now than in any other point in her life. And I waited. Was very conscious of the choices I made in terms of reproduction. I am proud of my choices because they didn't compromise my life or the life of anyone else born or not.

The hen herself is like my hyper wanting to be a mom alter ego. The hen is getting ready. Taking daily shots. Enduring bloating, cramping and OH the HEN-ACHES. THE HEN ACHES!!!!!

Let me tell you about those some other time!

We have eggs to recruit!

-the hen

Introduction - the Hen house

Where to begin? First, let me say this, I am no expert of infertility and I am not particularly interested in "baby dust" and "good luck to your embies" and this is the best - "hoping your follies do ok today". Nope. Not me. There is no such think as an embie, a follie or baby dust. As cute as it is and how ever it may help one or another to get over the whole devastation of being infertile and move into the even more interesting zone of infertility treatment. It is just not me. So don't, please don't expect me to use those terms. I won't. Not cute to me. And also, I don't like it when bloggers on fertility sites say things like 2dpt and BFN/BFP of those other TLAs that make my head hurt even more that it already does. With that being said:

Let me begin...

My name is Carla. I am a 38 year old married woman. My husband is a 32 year old man who I am married to now almost 2 years. I never subscribed to the "backlashy" notion that my biological clock was ticking. And because of that, I didn't marry the first or the second person that ever asked me. I am proud of that. I love my husband more that words can say. He is the best person I know. I am proud that we are married NOW in this time in our lives. We say often that our only mistake was that we didn't find each other sooner in life.

But, after a year of surgery to repair my painfully body parts and another year working very hard to get my career and more importantly my head on straight, we are now ready and able to proceed into the infertility treatment zone.

And it began on Sunday.

Well, it began in December last year (2007) then was sort of pushed off b/c of money reasons until February, then we found out that my ovaries were not on board with us so we had a month of birth control pills...funny huh? And so, this SUNDAY we started.

With shots.

This is needles people! Lots of them. And we are just starting. So...there you go.

That is the intro. I am sure I will have more to say in a minute. But I don't want these to get to verbose.

Please, if you read this....please say a little prayer for Will and Carla and the baby.

Now, get back to work!


Next blog....who is the hen?