Terminal Velocity

I am struck by the idea that in order to make a clean break from something that exerts a strong enough pull on let's say...me...I need to get going at a fast enough rate of speed to break free from the influence of that very something.

I thought I was going fast enough. Until today when I realized indeed I was not reaching terminal velocity to break free of the mediocrity of being here. I was pulled back in. Time to get going again on the path because without enough speed to get away, I won't break clean. Something will be left behind. A piece of me that I don't want to abandon. And that doesn't work for me.

I need to speed out with my whole crew with me. My family so to speak. 3 dogs, 2 birds, 2 horses and husband. Everyone needs to be brought along. And what I realized also today was, I can't get up enough speed for everyone on my list...alone. I need help and my husband is that help.

I am leaving Indiana on Friday to fly to Alaska. I start my new job on Monday. The only things I am taking with me are clothes, a few books and my knitting. Everything else comes later. Which is so appropriate. Because to get to terminal velocity, I need all the carrying power I can muster. And right now, all I can muster is enough to get me gone...

Cluck....

Getting ready to do the big deed!

Hello,
The hen reports that she and her dear husband are moving. To Alaska. Yes.

It is going to happen soon. Why? Because I got a job there. I don't know how i am going to tell anyone. I really don't. And honestly, when the words finally do come out of my big old mouth, I think I just won't care much what ppl think. Everyone needs to be happy. And I think I ascribe way to much meaning to my own happiness in relationship to what everyone else is doing with their own lives. I don't have that much power over anyone else's happiness right?

Oh, by the way...this was something we did that CAME EASY. TOO EASY really. So, in my mind, that sets it up this way at leastl;

It Makes it RIGHT.

How many times do you get to do something so brave and adventerous that you just want to sit back and watch but you know indeed that it is happening to you and not someone else? So, pull up a seat. I would if I were not me and going there myself. In the end, it will be far more interesting to be doing it than watching it. But, right now it seems awfully scary.

Nothing this year, that we have wanted to do came thing easily. Everything was wraught with failure, pain and disappointment. So, if you believe in the law of attraction, which I don't in its entirety..then this seemingly was meant to be for us. Right now. Right here!

So, here we go. No amount of planning can prepare me for this. But, this one thing alone makes it all worth while.


CLUCK ON IT!

Carla

We bleed

You know, I shared so much earlier in such a humour fashion even for me. And now, the mundane day to day life of being infertile just sort of takes over.

Until today.

Aunt FLO the real thing showed for the 1st time on her own accord since my miscarriage of justice.

I don't know when that was really without looking. Isn't that awful. It seems like eons ago but also like yesterday too.

Just what else...I am depressed..Yup...This is what happens. I take the drugs and they take the edge off. Yes they did.

It worked. YES IT DID! I must have dreampt this up just to hurt myself right? Because the wounds are still here. I ignore them better now, but they are still here.

I am exhausted beyond belief. The job I wanted badly in AK is gone now. That is ok, but we are still here.

I feel like I am in LIMBO waiting for something new to happen. So what happens, AUNT FUCKING FLO shows up to remind me that I am infertile. NO BABBY IN THERE moron.

Sigh

Fluck....

What to do now about having a family?

You know, I still want a baby. And so does my husband. So what do we do?

I don't really know.

We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.

It seems like a viable solution.

Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.

And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.

We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.

That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.

But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.

I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...

Cluck...

Turn off the lights, turn off the water, turn it all off

Guess what? I am financially in ruins. Student loans, hosptial bills from the IVF treatments, bills like utility bills we have not paid since we moved in (let's see that has been 4 months now. Yea. And to top it off, we bounced an asshouse of checks this weekend. Robbing peter to pay paul bit use in the ass. Big time. To the tune of hundreds of dollars. It is amazing. I think this year we have bounced enough checks to equal an entire month's pay check.

Now trust me when I tell you that I don't spend money on anything but food and gas. I don't even spend money on gas. I personally haven't driven my car in several weeks. Why bother right? No place to go.

And now, we have car registration due. I don't know is going on. It isn't the bank's fault. Clearly.

No one is opening bills but me. Why is that?

I think I have an ulcer. I don't sleep anymore. I had a granmal panic attack today that sent me to call my folks. My dad ended up going to get my antidepressant that I stopped taking on Sunday b/c we were bouncing checks so badly of course we couldn't afford it. You know what it ended up costing after all? .70 cents. Yup. Well I don't sleep anymore. And no amount of sleeping pills is going to help it at this point. All I want to do is sleep all day. So I do. And then at night I can't and don't want to sleep. No one calls at night. I don't need to talk to anyone.

How can I even thinking of moving on in the world when my financial situation and the lack of control I feel over it is making me sick?

Someone, an answer please.

Be careful what you wish for...

You know that old adage...becareful what you wish for b/c it might come true. Well, what is coming true for me isn't what I THOUGHT I was wishing for. I mean, what I wished for my whole life except for small moments of clarity, has NEVER been what I really wanted. It was always stuff that other people wanted for me. I lost the ability to think for myself and as much as I would love to blame that one someone, the time for blame is over. The things I try to hold on to the tightest as well as those things that I push away from me are things that were of MY wishing. And what I wish for now, I a mega major, hyperbolic change of mamouth proportions.

And when you wish for something, you need to be careful right? Because you might get it? There is a chance you might get it. There is a chance I might get it. I mean I didn't get to be a mom, not yet. And in my mind it is because in this current situation, as things are right now, I wouldn't be able to be the mom I want to me. My kid wouldn't grow up free from the mess of being bound up by other people's expectations and limitations. Don't I at least owe it to my kid, no matter how it comes, to let them experience life in a way I haven't yet?

I know this isn't the time in life to be making any sort of major decisions. We just lost a baby for crying out loud. It takes time to get over this right? Well, I will tell you what, I spent the better part of my adult life trying to get over something. Trying to get over moving as a kid, trying to get over my parent's divorce and relationship, trying to get over a lousy relationship in college, trying to get over not getting my degree as I should have done, trying to get over being in bad relationship after bad relationship. Blah blah blah blah.

Are you still with me? I don't care...

The truth is, I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. They can live their own life without me causing them to pause the spend one minute thinking about me outcomes. I mean really what a burden I am to them. They get to be free too to settle into their own lives without making pause to ponder my issues.

I know what you are thinking. I know you are probably thinking, OH MY GOD GET OVER THERE AND SEE WHAT IS GOING ON? ? ? SOMEONE...what a cry for help..blah blah blah...

THe more I stay here the more it is not clear ( I didn't say that) THe more I stay here the more I disappear. AS far as I have come to know what side I am on and now I am not so sure..THe line begins to blur...

There is something I should tell you and don't try to stop me. Because I am bound up enough by the messed up situations I find myself in time and time again because I follow other people's life plan. It isn't that probablyt it wasn't a good plan. Oh hell...it was a shitty plan. For me it sucked ass and the older I get, the more irritated I am by the fact that again, I BOUGHT INTO IT. HOOK LINE AND SINKER. Well maybe not that easily. Maybe the mental health issues, the numerous counselors, the time spent in stress centers, the medication all that was straining to get out of the expectations was all necessary but I AM DONE.

My husband and I are going to go to ALASKA. Where I get the feeling life will stop pushing on me and I can expand for one of the only times in my life.

Too bad...you don't get to decide this one and no one else gets to be involved in the decision except me and my husband. I couldn't do it without him and somewhere out there without the distraction of dissappointment, I can find out what I was supposed to be all along. You can get it, or not. I don't care.

And don't call me selfish. Cause the only selfish thing I have ever done is try to be what I was "supposed" to be and failed. And my failure doesn't even justify the effort I put forth. Because it is wasting time to keep on trying to be what I am absolutely NOT ever going to be. Not here at least.

When the noose comes off of my neck and I can breathe again like I want to...then, the pieces will fall into place. The dreams will come true. And the pressure relieved will make me see for the first time, the possibilities of me. The trappings of this life right now, obscure that very effort. I am tired. SO I am leaving.

Cluck...

Someone push...I did the work now someone pull the trigger

Next....

Yes that is it.

I am ready for the next thing now. I can't be pregnant on my own unless something happens. Something big. And even if I never get pregnant, I can't stay like this. There is a storm a brewing here so to speak. I cannot believe how incredibly consumed with the bull shit of being infertile I become in all of this. I bought it hook line and sinker. I did exactly what I SWORE I would never do and that is become a lemming marking along to my own death. The infertility medical complex (read this like military industrial complex) sends out these messages to everyone everywhere that nothing is doable on your own anymore no matter what. So no matter what, you gotta spend the cash. Big money to be made in this mess. I don't buy it anymore.

My personal self worth is not determined by the number of offspring are living in my house hold that came out of my body NOW. People can keep on getting pregnant and having kids around me. I am proud and happy for them. I am. Especially when I get to hang out with the kids. But, pleeeeeeez....

Don't feel sorry for me.

Because my existance as a woman and a person is not bound up in my ability to make babies.

When I find my own voice and get my footing back, I don't know if people will necessarily recognize me.

Cluck....

Beat me about the head

Why not? Why not black eyes and bruises? Why not veins laid open and scars that people can see. As it stands now, I feel as if I have been beat about the head. I can hardly see.

You see, I am trying really hard to make that stand. To take my life back. And along the way, during the past several months, well, things were pushed aside. Life passed me by. The other day I noticed these HUGE zucchini plants in my neighbor's flower beds. I don't know when they got there. I really don't. Did she plant them yesterday? Or have they been growing all along and I didn't notice until the other day? Honestly. I think life is moving along. Like it always does. And I am left here. Stuck.

When I try to unstick myself. Other's desires to stay stuck or push back...are amplified. I can't move myself. What makes others think I should be responsible for them too? I am not a mother. Not to anyone. And I Can't take the burden of having to say it all. Take control because the people I count on the most choose not to be in control. I needed them. And I have felt so alone. Now that I am trying to find myself again, I realize how left down I am by everyone around me. Didn't they see it? Or did they choose not to. Oh wait, I know! They choose to see what suited them. Even those closest to me.

I am so tired. Once again of trying to push and pull and cajole people into being on MY SIDE throughout this.

The selfishness of childlessness

The selfishness of living child free is punctuated for me by the fact that I played the Wall-E video game last night until the sun came up and slept today until 4:00 pm.

It is sunday, I suppose that is ok? Right?

Now, I am picking through some leftovers trying to find something good to eat and thawing some frozen pad thai in case nothing else looks good.

I feel so selfish. It is how it feels.

Still have not been back to the doctor's office. I don't want to be told anything I don't already know, sense or choose to avoid.

Infertility SUCKS....Ass

it does


cluck

Ghosts and seeing until the end

I think I have pink eye. Pink I.

I need to get my life back. Now I Can't see straight which seems fitting since I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know who I am anymore.

Nothing makes sense to me and I don't want it to anymore. I just want my life back. I don't know who I am. And I Don't want to know. I just want a new me.

No one can get close to me. Because I am as vacant and vapid as the air that surrounds me. Nothing bounces off me, it just goes through me and changes me as it goes. Nice thought huh? to be completely permeable by anything that wants to enter and exit on its own time and need?

My heart is broken in a million pieces. My life consumed by the lack of....anything meaningful left. Nothing exists for me right now. Just this painful pit of crap and bile that just won't stop burning me.

Everyone gets to decide what happens to me and in the end I lost control a long long time ago I just didn't know it.

I am sorry if none of this is making sense. Honestly I am.

I have been listening to NIN Ghost release tonight which is like a serious stream of consciousness string of music. I feel like I am riding it. The music and it sort of compels me to feel or write whatever it is I touch on in my thoughts.

I want my life back and I can't seem to get the strenght together to try to make a stand. To defend myself would be like trying to overcome a great barrier without knowing where it is or how big it is. I am living rather blindly and uninspired now since the loss of our baby. It is like when it left, I left too. It was all I wanted and all I had for those few weeks that actually made sense in my whole life. Ridiculous I know. I think I am too sensitive. Too Tender to be allowed to continue living.

Whenever I feel something, I feel it so intensely. When something touches me now, it touches me so incredibly, so deeply. Sometimes I lay in bed thinking of each thing that I can in turn until it hurts then I move on to the next thing. And when I think I can't take even another second of the sorrow or pain...I think of the loss of our baby. And I think hard on it. I let the loss tear at my skin and rip open and out my heart. And then, I empty my brain and the nothingness of the torn flesh and destroyed soul just bleeds and puts me to sleep.

I like the activity of making it hurt. So badly, in progression so that I feel each level like I am supposed to. I let the death of a friend, the loss of a pet, or the destruction something open up and burn. I carefully choose each thought for its precise ability to bring about the next level of pain. There are not random thoughts when I am practicing this mental exercise. Torture really but I works well for me I think. I makes me feel it all. Without anyone else telling me how I should feel. Especially the loss of our baby. I want to hover in that pain. I don't want anyone else telling me how I should feel about it. I want to be consumed by it. The loss, the panic. the saddness, the fear, the lonliness. All of it. Each in turn. Piece by piece. Bit by bit. Not all at once. Not like it was a week ago. But, incrementally. I want to go deep and see how close to the bottom of the feelings I can get.

This is sickness I know. There isn't anything to replace this activity right now. I just want to feel it all. Each pin prick and each heart break. Each piece of my life falling away. Until there is simply nothing left to feel. Nothing left. Nothing.

God Help me. I miss my baby.