Money...what to do now

Ok, so we live in Alaska and my husband is now working at this great new job. The great new job has money for infertility treatment. One whole treatment. We could afford it. We really could. But, we live in Alaska and there simply are not any real REs who practice IVF here. So what they heck do we need to do? I don't know. I hate it. Good lord. Be careful what you wish for huh?

cluck..happy clucking new year...

What a slap in the face...today we bleed today is my birthday

Officially, I am past my fertile prime. Today. Right now. At this very crappy moment. And still I mourn. I can't have children. I won't probably have children in my life time. I will never see my dear husband's face in another person. And I will love a child. I will. But, I won't be pregnant and I won't be in labour and I won't...I won't know it.

Today is my 39th birthday. I should have stayed in bed. I am tired. Alaska is nice. Work is good. Life is fine. But babies are popping out all over the place. They should be popping out of me.

This would have been about almost 9 months. I would be heavy pregnant if I was pregnant. I am not. We all know that. But, I probably wouldn't be in Alaska if I was pregnant. I would probably be in a a very different place right now. Life would be very different. And that little part of me, big part of me inside that died when my baby died will never be again. And I am turning 39. And I got my period today. What a friggin slap in the face. I can't even get down and get a big O on today. We can't even afford to go out to dinner tonight.

Things are going well. My mom had her lung transplant. My sister in law is getting ready to have their second. I don't know, perhaps it is easier for them to see their lives laid out in front of them, my sister, my sister in law, even my mom b/c they have kids. What is going to make me get up in the morning when I am sick or sad? What am I going to have to live for when I am old? Who am I going to dream about at night or love on or be good for? Whose mom am I going to be ? Right now, honestly, no one's.

I am not ones mom. And I can get all strong and uppity about it. But, I am not.

I am turning 39 today. I feel old. My back is hurting. My neck is hurting. My joints feel old and rough. My eyes are darker now than they were at the beginning of the year. My heart, no matter how far I go, no matter how much I look to the sky for some sort of relief is broken. And Shattered. And I can't fix it. I just move on past it or try very hard to ignore the pain. People keep on having kids they don't want and I can't have the one I do. And now I am too old to even think about it.

I am being punished clearly this is all of my doing I think. There can be no other way around this situation no reason for so much pain. Right? Oh hell...still no one is going to send me a card when the unbirthday of my dream baby comes along and passes on by year after year after year after year.

I love you baby... and I miss you being here with me. There is so much I would like to show you and do w/ you. Wherever you are now, I wish you were here more with me and dad.

cluck

Terminal Velocity

I am struck by the idea that in order to make a clean break from something that exerts a strong enough pull on let's say...me...I need to get going at a fast enough rate of speed to break free from the influence of that very something.

I thought I was going fast enough. Until today when I realized indeed I was not reaching terminal velocity to break free of the mediocrity of being here. I was pulled back in. Time to get going again on the path because without enough speed to get away, I won't break clean. Something will be left behind. A piece of me that I don't want to abandon. And that doesn't work for me.

I need to speed out with my whole crew with me. My family so to speak. 3 dogs, 2 birds, 2 horses and husband. Everyone needs to be brought along. And what I realized also today was, I can't get up enough speed for everyone on my list...alone. I need help and my husband is that help.

I am leaving Indiana on Friday to fly to Alaska. I start my new job on Monday. The only things I am taking with me are clothes, a few books and my knitting. Everything else comes later. Which is so appropriate. Because to get to terminal velocity, I need all the carrying power I can muster. And right now, all I can muster is enough to get me gone...

Cluck....

Getting ready to do the big deed!

Hello,
The hen reports that she and her dear husband are moving. To Alaska. Yes.

It is going to happen soon. Why? Because I got a job there. I don't know how i am going to tell anyone. I really don't. And honestly, when the words finally do come out of my big old mouth, I think I just won't care much what ppl think. Everyone needs to be happy. And I think I ascribe way to much meaning to my own happiness in relationship to what everyone else is doing with their own lives. I don't have that much power over anyone else's happiness right?

Oh, by the way...this was something we did that CAME EASY. TOO EASY really. So, in my mind, that sets it up this way at leastl;

It Makes it RIGHT.

How many times do you get to do something so brave and adventerous that you just want to sit back and watch but you know indeed that it is happening to you and not someone else? So, pull up a seat. I would if I were not me and going there myself. In the end, it will be far more interesting to be doing it than watching it. But, right now it seems awfully scary.

Nothing this year, that we have wanted to do came thing easily. Everything was wraught with failure, pain and disappointment. So, if you believe in the law of attraction, which I don't in its entirety..then this seemingly was meant to be for us. Right now. Right here!

So, here we go. No amount of planning can prepare me for this. But, this one thing alone makes it all worth while.


CLUCK ON IT!

Carla

We bleed

You know, I shared so much earlier in such a humour fashion even for me. And now, the mundane day to day life of being infertile just sort of takes over.

Until today.

Aunt FLO the real thing showed for the 1st time on her own accord since my miscarriage of justice.

I don't know when that was really without looking. Isn't that awful. It seems like eons ago but also like yesterday too.

Just what else...I am depressed..Yup...This is what happens. I take the drugs and they take the edge off. Yes they did.

It worked. YES IT DID! I must have dreampt this up just to hurt myself right? Because the wounds are still here. I ignore them better now, but they are still here.

I am exhausted beyond belief. The job I wanted badly in AK is gone now. That is ok, but we are still here.

I feel like I am in LIMBO waiting for something new to happen. So what happens, AUNT FUCKING FLO shows up to remind me that I am infertile. NO BABBY IN THERE moron.

Sigh

Fluck....

What to do now about having a family?

You know, I still want a baby. And so does my husband. So what do we do?

I don't really know.

We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.

It seems like a viable solution.

Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.

And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.

We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.

That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.

But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.

I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...

Cluck...

Turn off the lights, turn off the water, turn it all off

Guess what? I am financially in ruins. Student loans, hosptial bills from the IVF treatments, bills like utility bills we have not paid since we moved in (let's see that has been 4 months now. Yea. And to top it off, we bounced an asshouse of checks this weekend. Robbing peter to pay paul bit use in the ass. Big time. To the tune of hundreds of dollars. It is amazing. I think this year we have bounced enough checks to equal an entire month's pay check.

Now trust me when I tell you that I don't spend money on anything but food and gas. I don't even spend money on gas. I personally haven't driven my car in several weeks. Why bother right? No place to go.

And now, we have car registration due. I don't know is going on. It isn't the bank's fault. Clearly.

No one is opening bills but me. Why is that?

I think I have an ulcer. I don't sleep anymore. I had a granmal panic attack today that sent me to call my folks. My dad ended up going to get my antidepressant that I stopped taking on Sunday b/c we were bouncing checks so badly of course we couldn't afford it. You know what it ended up costing after all? .70 cents. Yup. Well I don't sleep anymore. And no amount of sleeping pills is going to help it at this point. All I want to do is sleep all day. So I do. And then at night I can't and don't want to sleep. No one calls at night. I don't need to talk to anyone.

How can I even thinking of moving on in the world when my financial situation and the lack of control I feel over it is making me sick?

Someone, an answer please.

Be careful what you wish for...

You know that old adage...becareful what you wish for b/c it might come true. Well, what is coming true for me isn't what I THOUGHT I was wishing for. I mean, what I wished for my whole life except for small moments of clarity, has NEVER been what I really wanted. It was always stuff that other people wanted for me. I lost the ability to think for myself and as much as I would love to blame that one someone, the time for blame is over. The things I try to hold on to the tightest as well as those things that I push away from me are things that were of MY wishing. And what I wish for now, I a mega major, hyperbolic change of mamouth proportions.

And when you wish for something, you need to be careful right? Because you might get it? There is a chance you might get it. There is a chance I might get it. I mean I didn't get to be a mom, not yet. And in my mind it is because in this current situation, as things are right now, I wouldn't be able to be the mom I want to me. My kid wouldn't grow up free from the mess of being bound up by other people's expectations and limitations. Don't I at least owe it to my kid, no matter how it comes, to let them experience life in a way I haven't yet?

I know this isn't the time in life to be making any sort of major decisions. We just lost a baby for crying out loud. It takes time to get over this right? Well, I will tell you what, I spent the better part of my adult life trying to get over something. Trying to get over moving as a kid, trying to get over my parent's divorce and relationship, trying to get over a lousy relationship in college, trying to get over not getting my degree as I should have done, trying to get over being in bad relationship after bad relationship. Blah blah blah blah.

Are you still with me? I don't care...

The truth is, I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. They can live their own life without me causing them to pause the spend one minute thinking about me outcomes. I mean really what a burden I am to them. They get to be free too to settle into their own lives without making pause to ponder my issues.

I know what you are thinking. I know you are probably thinking, OH MY GOD GET OVER THERE AND SEE WHAT IS GOING ON? ? ? SOMEONE...what a cry for help..blah blah blah...

THe more I stay here the more it is not clear ( I didn't say that) THe more I stay here the more I disappear. AS far as I have come to know what side I am on and now I am not so sure..THe line begins to blur...

There is something I should tell you and don't try to stop me. Because I am bound up enough by the messed up situations I find myself in time and time again because I follow other people's life plan. It isn't that probablyt it wasn't a good plan. Oh hell...it was a shitty plan. For me it sucked ass and the older I get, the more irritated I am by the fact that again, I BOUGHT INTO IT. HOOK LINE AND SINKER. Well maybe not that easily. Maybe the mental health issues, the numerous counselors, the time spent in stress centers, the medication all that was straining to get out of the expectations was all necessary but I AM DONE.

My husband and I are going to go to ALASKA. Where I get the feeling life will stop pushing on me and I can expand for one of the only times in my life.

Too bad...you don't get to decide this one and no one else gets to be involved in the decision except me and my husband. I couldn't do it without him and somewhere out there without the distraction of dissappointment, I can find out what I was supposed to be all along. You can get it, or not. I don't care.

And don't call me selfish. Cause the only selfish thing I have ever done is try to be what I was "supposed" to be and failed. And my failure doesn't even justify the effort I put forth. Because it is wasting time to keep on trying to be what I am absolutely NOT ever going to be. Not here at least.

When the noose comes off of my neck and I can breathe again like I want to...then, the pieces will fall into place. The dreams will come true. And the pressure relieved will make me see for the first time, the possibilities of me. The trappings of this life right now, obscure that very effort. I am tired. SO I am leaving.

Cluck...

Someone push...I did the work now someone pull the trigger

Next....

Yes that is it.

I am ready for the next thing now. I can't be pregnant on my own unless something happens. Something big. And even if I never get pregnant, I can't stay like this. There is a storm a brewing here so to speak. I cannot believe how incredibly consumed with the bull shit of being infertile I become in all of this. I bought it hook line and sinker. I did exactly what I SWORE I would never do and that is become a lemming marking along to my own death. The infertility medical complex (read this like military industrial complex) sends out these messages to everyone everywhere that nothing is doable on your own anymore no matter what. So no matter what, you gotta spend the cash. Big money to be made in this mess. I don't buy it anymore.

My personal self worth is not determined by the number of offspring are living in my house hold that came out of my body NOW. People can keep on getting pregnant and having kids around me. I am proud and happy for them. I am. Especially when I get to hang out with the kids. But, pleeeeeeez....

Don't feel sorry for me.

Because my existance as a woman and a person is not bound up in my ability to make babies.

When I find my own voice and get my footing back, I don't know if people will necessarily recognize me.

Cluck....

Beat me about the head

Why not? Why not black eyes and bruises? Why not veins laid open and scars that people can see. As it stands now, I feel as if I have been beat about the head. I can hardly see.

You see, I am trying really hard to make that stand. To take my life back. And along the way, during the past several months, well, things were pushed aside. Life passed me by. The other day I noticed these HUGE zucchini plants in my neighbor's flower beds. I don't know when they got there. I really don't. Did she plant them yesterday? Or have they been growing all along and I didn't notice until the other day? Honestly. I think life is moving along. Like it always does. And I am left here. Stuck.

When I try to unstick myself. Other's desires to stay stuck or push back...are amplified. I can't move myself. What makes others think I should be responsible for them too? I am not a mother. Not to anyone. And I Can't take the burden of having to say it all. Take control because the people I count on the most choose not to be in control. I needed them. And I have felt so alone. Now that I am trying to find myself again, I realize how left down I am by everyone around me. Didn't they see it? Or did they choose not to. Oh wait, I know! They choose to see what suited them. Even those closest to me.

I am so tired. Once again of trying to push and pull and cajole people into being on MY SIDE throughout this.