Thursday, January 8, 2009
Plans on hold
IVF plans are on hold indefinately. I don't know why. I am fickle...I am allowed. My faith is not where it used to be.
When I was a kid....
Ok back to this again..for the past 6 months or so this common phrase keeps running through my day to day thought patterns. When I am busy or when I am quiet, it is there. And it demands an answer.
I think I might have one. I thought originally, the answer was in something I should have done. And probably there is a part of it that is like that.
But, I am more intrigued by a thought I had today. During the noise of the day. And I didn't come up with this. Someone gave the thought to me. But, I made it my thought too.
When I was a kid (And I Don't mean when I was 6, I mean when I was like 18)...I loved like there was no tomorrow. And it was new. And I was unjaded, unblemished, new at it all. Everyday was like looking out the window and seeing snow for the first time in my life. And despite all of the knowledge I have gained in life, when I was a kid, I was fearless and bold. I was unabashedly passionate. My soul had such incredible capacity to be free and open to everything and sing. When I was a kid I was new and I loved like I was new.
And now, I know too much! Too many things, too many people are lost to me now. And so a part of my soul is darker now. More closed off and hardened. It hurts because like any good loss I feel it a little or a lot each day. The older I get, the more backed up on me these things become. And again it is loss and that indescribalbe feeling of NOT being able to get it back.
I think it is this When I was a kid message that I was missing. I am missing. Because I want that back. I think that is one of the reasons I wanted to come to Alaska. Because I didn't know about it and it would ignite in me that passion for the new and the fresh. And perhaps reawaken my soul to things that are unimaginable. And I do. I see things everyday that stir me. I see eagles and moose and the mountains and the water. And I missed that feeling of the new everyday for so long.
And it isn't just the newness of it all. It is the way it makes me feel. A little bit more like I was when love was new and the closeless that was only possible to me then was right there.
I miss that. I miss being able to completely trust in someone. And perhaps even more than just the fact that I miss the act of trusting and loving, I miss the fact that maybe just maybe I won't be able to feel that way.
I miss my baby. And I missing hoping for him. And I miss that unabashed love I had for him like nothing since when I was a kid was possible.
Sigh...
cluck
I think I might have one. I thought originally, the answer was in something I should have done. And probably there is a part of it that is like that.
But, I am more intrigued by a thought I had today. During the noise of the day. And I didn't come up with this. Someone gave the thought to me. But, I made it my thought too.
When I was a kid (And I Don't mean when I was 6, I mean when I was like 18)...I loved like there was no tomorrow. And it was new. And I was unjaded, unblemished, new at it all. Everyday was like looking out the window and seeing snow for the first time in my life. And despite all of the knowledge I have gained in life, when I was a kid, I was fearless and bold. I was unabashedly passionate. My soul had such incredible capacity to be free and open to everything and sing. When I was a kid I was new and I loved like I was new.
And now, I know too much! Too many things, too many people are lost to me now. And so a part of my soul is darker now. More closed off and hardened. It hurts because like any good loss I feel it a little or a lot each day. The older I get, the more backed up on me these things become. And again it is loss and that indescribalbe feeling of NOT being able to get it back.
I think it is this When I was a kid message that I was missing. I am missing. Because I want that back. I think that is one of the reasons I wanted to come to Alaska. Because I didn't know about it and it would ignite in me that passion for the new and the fresh. And perhaps reawaken my soul to things that are unimaginable. And I do. I see things everyday that stir me. I see eagles and moose and the mountains and the water. And I missed that feeling of the new everyday for so long.
And it isn't just the newness of it all. It is the way it makes me feel. A little bit more like I was when love was new and the closeless that was only possible to me then was right there.
I miss that. I miss being able to completely trust in someone. And perhaps even more than just the fact that I miss the act of trusting and loving, I miss the fact that maybe just maybe I won't be able to feel that way.
I miss my baby. And I missing hoping for him. And I miss that unabashed love I had for him like nothing since when I was a kid was possible.
Sigh...
cluck
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Things I thought I would never do or say
What is responisble for the downward spiral I feel like my relationship w/ my husband is in?Now mind you, I don't think my DH and I are doing anything wrong to each other. We aren't missing the point. We care about each other. We love each other to the extent possible. But we aren't connected and I think it is b/c of what we don't have. And the pieces of ourselves we have lost on the way to where we are right now. Childless.
I know I am battered by all this childlessness. The loss. The medical mess. I mean look at me. When we started this 2 years ago, I was healthy. Vibrant. Alive and thin. Now, I am old, fat, no energy, messed up. And no amount of therapy is fixing it. Doctors don't look at me like a whole person. And I feel let down. I feel let down b/c I tried so hard and all I wanted was some time w/o pressure to recover from the loss of not only the baby but also so much more. My health. My career. My hopes. And I didn't get that time. Not in girl years at least. I got pressure. And even if my DH didn't know it, although I think on some level he did, all the pressure for sex was enough to send a sane person over the edge let alone someone who had just spent a whole year pretty much with the dildo cam as a sex partner.
And I am feeling battered by the whole fact that everytime I look at my DH, I see someone who didn't do what he was supposed to do to get through this. He was supposed to lose like 100 lbs to make it work. And he didn't even try. Not for his sake and not for mine but more importantly not for our family.
And then, as it was winding down he said, well I didn't even really want kids. It only happened this way b/c you wanted them. Somehow, that was supposed to excuse him from the fact that he didn't have to participate fully. For him, the hardest part was what? I don't know what it was. I guess it was that he didn't see what I wanted to come to fruition and possibly more but it doesn't matter b/c now I am supposed to snap back and just pretend I guess that nothing happened.
When clearly something did happen. And lots of things didn't happen. And no where in all of this did we try to stop loving each other. But, somewhere along the way I lost hope and so I did.
In the recap of it all...in the end...I don't know many things about who things work. I don't. I know it.
And I want to know. I do. But, what I don't see is how the world was/is made a better place b/c I went through all of this. And how do I save my relationship w/ my husband?
Cluck!
I know I am battered by all this childlessness. The loss. The medical mess. I mean look at me. When we started this 2 years ago, I was healthy. Vibrant. Alive and thin. Now, I am old, fat, no energy, messed up. And no amount of therapy is fixing it. Doctors don't look at me like a whole person. And I feel let down. I feel let down b/c I tried so hard and all I wanted was some time w/o pressure to recover from the loss of not only the baby but also so much more. My health. My career. My hopes. And I didn't get that time. Not in girl years at least. I got pressure. And even if my DH didn't know it, although I think on some level he did, all the pressure for sex was enough to send a sane person over the edge let alone someone who had just spent a whole year pretty much with the dildo cam as a sex partner.
And I am feeling battered by the whole fact that everytime I look at my DH, I see someone who didn't do what he was supposed to do to get through this. He was supposed to lose like 100 lbs to make it work. And he didn't even try. Not for his sake and not for mine but more importantly not for our family.
And then, as it was winding down he said, well I didn't even really want kids. It only happened this way b/c you wanted them. Somehow, that was supposed to excuse him from the fact that he didn't have to participate fully. For him, the hardest part was what? I don't know what it was. I guess it was that he didn't see what I wanted to come to fruition and possibly more but it doesn't matter b/c now I am supposed to snap back and just pretend I guess that nothing happened.
When clearly something did happen. And lots of things didn't happen. And no where in all of this did we try to stop loving each other. But, somewhere along the way I lost hope and so I did.
In the recap of it all...in the end...I don't know many things about who things work. I don't. I know it.
And I want to know. I do. But, what I don't see is how the world was/is made a better place b/c I went through all of this. And how do I save my relationship w/ my husband?
Cluck!
Freeking Freeezing..and a decision
Well..the New Year is in full swing. Here in lovely Alaska we are in a cold snap that right now adds up to the 3rd longest cold snap in Alaskan history since they started recording. NO kidding right? I get the whole thing together, move up here only to be one of 800000 people frozen to the ground by the cold. Oh, btw, my DH and I bought a 750 Cold cranking amp battery for our car. I don't know what that technically means. But, it can't be bad!
So, I turned 39, a new year rang in w/o ill effect. And I am confronted w/ this strange and newly amazing choice. Do we try just one more time? Throw all we have at it? I say....YES. You know why? I know what to expect this time. I did it once and yes it almost killed me. But, this time, I know better what to expect.
We still have one little embyo on ice back in Indiana. An embryo whose little bros didn't make it, but who still has a chance. And we will cycle again later this year I think.
First things first...ok so the first IVF and the winter spread o the hips that comes from wintering over in Alaska need to start coming off. I am commited this time to get in better shape. I need to loose like 50 lbs. I can do it. And I have a better reason than just myself.
So, b/c sometimes we make decisions and sometimes they are made for us, I say..YES.
And thanks Susan for the post. I am going to call the doctor in Denver. That shouldn't be too far to fly from here. And I like Denver. Have been there several times.
Cluck!
So, I turned 39, a new year rang in w/o ill effect. And I am confronted w/ this strange and newly amazing choice. Do we try just one more time? Throw all we have at it? I say....YES. You know why? I know what to expect this time. I did it once and yes it almost killed me. But, this time, I know better what to expect.
We still have one little embyo on ice back in Indiana. An embryo whose little bros didn't make it, but who still has a chance. And we will cycle again later this year I think.
First things first...ok so the first IVF and the winter spread o the hips that comes from wintering over in Alaska need to start coming off. I am commited this time to get in better shape. I need to loose like 50 lbs. I can do it. And I have a better reason than just myself.
So, b/c sometimes we make decisions and sometimes they are made for us, I say..YES.
And thanks Susan for the post. I am going to call the doctor in Denver. That shouldn't be too far to fly from here. And I like Denver. Have been there several times.
Cluck!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Money...what to do now
Ok, so we live in Alaska and my husband is now working at this great new job. The great new job has money for infertility treatment. One whole treatment. We could afford it. We really could. But, we live in Alaska and there simply are not any real REs who practice IVF here. So what they heck do we need to do? I don't know. I hate it. Good lord. Be careful what you wish for huh?
cluck..happy clucking new year...
cluck..happy clucking new year...
Monday, December 29, 2008
What a slap in the face...today we bleed today is my birthday
Officially, I am past my fertile prime. Today. Right now. At this very crappy moment. And still I mourn. I can't have children. I won't probably have children in my life time. I will never see my dear husband's face in another person. And I will love a child. I will. But, I won't be pregnant and I won't be in labour and I won't...I won't know it.
Today is my 39th birthday. I should have stayed in bed. I am tired. Alaska is nice. Work is good. Life is fine. But babies are popping out all over the place. They should be popping out of me.
This would have been about almost 9 months. I would be heavy pregnant if I was pregnant. I am not. We all know that. But, I probably wouldn't be in Alaska if I was pregnant. I would probably be in a a very different place right now. Life would be very different. And that little part of me, big part of me inside that died when my baby died will never be again. And I am turning 39. And I got my period today. What a friggin slap in the face. I can't even get down and get a big O on today. We can't even afford to go out to dinner tonight.
Things are going well. My mom had her lung transplant. My sister in law is getting ready to have their second. I don't know, perhaps it is easier for them to see their lives laid out in front of them, my sister, my sister in law, even my mom b/c they have kids. What is going to make me get up in the morning when I am sick or sad? What am I going to have to live for when I am old? Who am I going to dream about at night or love on or be good for? Whose mom am I going to be ? Right now, honestly, no one's.
I am not ones mom. And I can get all strong and uppity about it. But, I am not.
I am turning 39 today. I feel old. My back is hurting. My neck is hurting. My joints feel old and rough. My eyes are darker now than they were at the beginning of the year. My heart, no matter how far I go, no matter how much I look to the sky for some sort of relief is broken. And Shattered. And I can't fix it. I just move on past it or try very hard to ignore the pain. People keep on having kids they don't want and I can't have the one I do. And now I am too old to even think about it.
I am being punished clearly this is all of my doing I think. There can be no other way around this situation no reason for so much pain. Right? Oh hell...still no one is going to send me a card when the unbirthday of my dream baby comes along and passes on by year after year after year after year.
I love you baby... and I miss you being here with me. There is so much I would like to show you and do w/ you. Wherever you are now, I wish you were here more with me and dad.
cluck
Today is my 39th birthday. I should have stayed in bed. I am tired. Alaska is nice. Work is good. Life is fine. But babies are popping out all over the place. They should be popping out of me.
This would have been about almost 9 months. I would be heavy pregnant if I was pregnant. I am not. We all know that. But, I probably wouldn't be in Alaska if I was pregnant. I would probably be in a a very different place right now. Life would be very different. And that little part of me, big part of me inside that died when my baby died will never be again. And I am turning 39. And I got my period today. What a friggin slap in the face. I can't even get down and get a big O on today. We can't even afford to go out to dinner tonight.
Things are going well. My mom had her lung transplant. My sister in law is getting ready to have their second. I don't know, perhaps it is easier for them to see their lives laid out in front of them, my sister, my sister in law, even my mom b/c they have kids. What is going to make me get up in the morning when I am sick or sad? What am I going to have to live for when I am old? Who am I going to dream about at night or love on or be good for? Whose mom am I going to be ? Right now, honestly, no one's.
I am not ones mom. And I can get all strong and uppity about it. But, I am not.
I am turning 39 today. I feel old. My back is hurting. My neck is hurting. My joints feel old and rough. My eyes are darker now than they were at the beginning of the year. My heart, no matter how far I go, no matter how much I look to the sky for some sort of relief is broken. And Shattered. And I can't fix it. I just move on past it or try very hard to ignore the pain. People keep on having kids they don't want and I can't have the one I do. And now I am too old to even think about it.
I am being punished clearly this is all of my doing I think. There can be no other way around this situation no reason for so much pain. Right? Oh hell...still no one is going to send me a card when the unbirthday of my dream baby comes along and passes on by year after year after year after year.
I love you baby... and I miss you being here with me. There is so much I would like to show you and do w/ you. Wherever you are now, I wish you were here more with me and dad.
cluck
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Terminal Velocity
I am struck by the idea that in order to make a clean break from something that exerts a strong enough pull on let's say...me...I need to get going at a fast enough rate of speed to break free from the influence of that very something.
I thought I was going fast enough. Until today when I realized indeed I was not reaching terminal velocity to break free of the mediocrity of being here. I was pulled back in. Time to get going again on the path because without enough speed to get away, I won't break clean. Something will be left behind. A piece of me that I don't want to abandon. And that doesn't work for me.
I need to speed out with my whole crew with me. My family so to speak. 3 dogs, 2 birds, 2 horses and husband. Everyone needs to be brought along. And what I realized also today was, I can't get up enough speed for everyone on my list...alone. I need help and my husband is that help.
I am leaving Indiana on Friday to fly to Alaska. I start my new job on Monday. The only things I am taking with me are clothes, a few books and my knitting. Everything else comes later. Which is so appropriate. Because to get to terminal velocity, I need all the carrying power I can muster. And right now, all I can muster is enough to get me gone...
Cluck....
I thought I was going fast enough. Until today when I realized indeed I was not reaching terminal velocity to break free of the mediocrity of being here. I was pulled back in. Time to get going again on the path because without enough speed to get away, I won't break clean. Something will be left behind. A piece of me that I don't want to abandon. And that doesn't work for me.
I need to speed out with my whole crew with me. My family so to speak. 3 dogs, 2 birds, 2 horses and husband. Everyone needs to be brought along. And what I realized also today was, I can't get up enough speed for everyone on my list...alone. I need help and my husband is that help.
I am leaving Indiana on Friday to fly to Alaska. I start my new job on Monday. The only things I am taking with me are clothes, a few books and my knitting. Everything else comes later. Which is so appropriate. Because to get to terminal velocity, I need all the carrying power I can muster. And right now, all I can muster is enough to get me gone...
Cluck....
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Getting ready to do the big deed!
Hello,
The hen reports that she and her dear husband are moving. To Alaska. Yes.
It is going to happen soon. Why? Because I got a job there. I don't know how i am going to tell anyone. I really don't. And honestly, when the words finally do come out of my big old mouth, I think I just won't care much what ppl think. Everyone needs to be happy. And I think I ascribe way to much meaning to my own happiness in relationship to what everyone else is doing with their own lives. I don't have that much power over anyone else's happiness right?
Oh, by the way...this was something we did that CAME EASY. TOO EASY really. So, in my mind, that sets it up this way at leastl;
It Makes it RIGHT.
How many times do you get to do something so brave and adventerous that you just want to sit back and watch but you know indeed that it is happening to you and not someone else? So, pull up a seat. I would if I were not me and going there myself. In the end, it will be far more interesting to be doing it than watching it. But, right now it seems awfully scary.
Nothing this year, that we have wanted to do came thing easily. Everything was wraught with failure, pain and disappointment. So, if you believe in the law of attraction, which I don't in its entirety..then this seemingly was meant to be for us. Right now. Right here!
So, here we go. No amount of planning can prepare me for this. But, this one thing alone makes it all worth while.
CLUCK ON IT!
Carla
The hen reports that she and her dear husband are moving. To Alaska. Yes.
It is going to happen soon. Why? Because I got a job there. I don't know how i am going to tell anyone. I really don't. And honestly, when the words finally do come out of my big old mouth, I think I just won't care much what ppl think. Everyone needs to be happy. And I think I ascribe way to much meaning to my own happiness in relationship to what everyone else is doing with their own lives. I don't have that much power over anyone else's happiness right?
Oh, by the way...this was something we did that CAME EASY. TOO EASY really. So, in my mind, that sets it up this way at leastl;
It Makes it RIGHT.
How many times do you get to do something so brave and adventerous that you just want to sit back and watch but you know indeed that it is happening to you and not someone else? So, pull up a seat. I would if I were not me and going there myself. In the end, it will be far more interesting to be doing it than watching it. But, right now it seems awfully scary.
Nothing this year, that we have wanted to do came thing easily. Everything was wraught with failure, pain and disappointment. So, if you believe in the law of attraction, which I don't in its entirety..then this seemingly was meant to be for us. Right now. Right here!
So, here we go. No amount of planning can prepare me for this. But, this one thing alone makes it all worth while.
CLUCK ON IT!
Carla
Thursday, August 14, 2008
We bleed
You know, I shared so much earlier in such a humour fashion even for me. And now, the mundane day to day life of being infertile just sort of takes over.
Until today.
Aunt FLO the real thing showed for the 1st time on her own accord since my miscarriage of justice.
I don't know when that was really without looking. Isn't that awful. It seems like eons ago but also like yesterday too.
Just what else...I am depressed..Yup...This is what happens. I take the drugs and they take the edge off. Yes they did.
It worked. YES IT DID! I must have dreampt this up just to hurt myself right? Because the wounds are still here. I ignore them better now, but they are still here.
I am exhausted beyond belief. The job I wanted badly in AK is gone now. That is ok, but we are still here.
I feel like I am in LIMBO waiting for something new to happen. So what happens, AUNT FUCKING FLO shows up to remind me that I am infertile. NO BABBY IN THERE moron.
Sigh
Fluck....
Until today.
Aunt FLO the real thing showed for the 1st time on her own accord since my miscarriage of justice.
I don't know when that was really without looking. Isn't that awful. It seems like eons ago but also like yesterday too.
Just what else...I am depressed..Yup...This is what happens. I take the drugs and they take the edge off. Yes they did.
It worked. YES IT DID! I must have dreampt this up just to hurt myself right? Because the wounds are still here. I ignore them better now, but they are still here.
I am exhausted beyond belief. The job I wanted badly in AK is gone now. That is ok, but we are still here.
I feel like I am in LIMBO waiting for something new to happen. So what happens, AUNT FUCKING FLO shows up to remind me that I am infertile. NO BABBY IN THERE moron.
Sigh
Fluck....
Sunday, August 3, 2008
What to do now about having a family?
You know, I still want a baby. And so does my husband. So what do we do?
I don't really know.
We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.
It seems like a viable solution.
Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.
And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.
We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.
That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.
But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.
I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...
Cluck...
I don't really know.
We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.
It seems like a viable solution.
Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.
And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.
We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.
That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.
But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.
I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...
Cluck...
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