Two faced, lying, ignorant bastards will not get in my way

There is nothing and I mean nothing more important in my life right now that making sure I am in the right state of mind to succeed at this IVF process.

Somehow my workplace did not get the word.

I told them way back in JANUARY of this year that I would be missing work a lot in the coming months / weeks. Because of the MEDICAL treatment I was going to receive for my infertility....

"Good luck, we wish you luck....We are behind you...etc" THat is what I heard out of their two faced lying mouths.

Then this week, after I missed a day because of debilitating HEADACHES...they WRITE ME UP...

OH yes, I might also add, my mother was in the ICU for 2 weeks in February and that took me away from work. I work a shitty $10 an hour job that is not worth risking my life driving in snow storms to get to so I missed a day for that too.

When I asked them if they needed doctor's notes etc..they said "OH NO, we don't need those."

I am pissed off.

This is not good.

And it is not a good time to be looking for other work is it now?

FUCK THEM and their TWO FACEDness....

That is all for now...

the hen

One word....

One word....

PREGNANT


I am NOT yet pregnant.

But my sister is, again.

So happy for her.
So sad for me.

Hang on little soul of mine, we are coming to get you soon...

love,

your hen

Big pads, big dreams, big tears

I bought the biggest maxi pads I have ever seen in my life at CVS the other day. You know what, the days of trying to fit my big old whooha into the little thong size pantiliner sized maxi pads are OVER....AND TAMPONS...for get it. I want to see what is coming out of me. AND more importantly:

LET IS FLOW!

LET IT FLOW!

LET IT FLOW!

Yes, I am losing my mind. If I have to have a period while trying to conceive a child after a 1 week stint of follicle stimulating HENMONES...and LutHENizing HENMONES not to mention some prometriHEN then I WANT TO GO BIG....BIG PADS...BIG BOOBS... BIG MOOD SWINGS...BIG NEWS...on the horizon...

Yes, we go to the RE (reproductive endocrHENologist) on Thursday for an ULTRASOUND....To see if we can PROCEED....

IF not, then surgery. SURGERY..FUN....GET TO TAKE A DAY I GUESS...BUT W/O PAY....hmpf....

THEN we get to pay more money to get MORE HENMONES to shoot into my already confused as hell body. I still have like 2000 dollars of drugs in my refrigerator.

You know what...had we started when we planned to (WE DON"T NEED NO STINKING PLAN....DR. FrankHENstein the Reprodcutive endocrHENologist is in CHARGE...even he doesn't have a plan per se)...WE would have found out if we were PG already....or NOT...

I prefer the PG option....

Anyone?

CLUCK....

the hen herself

CRYING JAGS BY the hen herself

The crying jag is a new sensation...

It is sweeping the nation, our at least our little house of hen
One minute you are laughing out loud
and without warning...BLAMO----
tears of....tears of what?

Joy? NO
SADNESS? Not really
Relief? NO
Disgust? NO
Empathy? Nope.

Then what....

Tears of PROMETRIUM, LUVERIS, MEGA-PMS, and don't forget your friend and ours, (insert your favorite FSH hormone med) GONAL-F....

Mixed with some tears of BCP (birth control..yes the irony there is as thick as paste) and don't forget that wonderful supression medication - drum roll please....LUPRON...

If you are lucky, when the jag is over, your friends, coworkers, family, dogs, cats, fish in the bowl, lady behind the counter at the store, person taking your toll at the booth, person you are talking to on the phone....won't think you are insane.

Although, the thought will cross their mind. They will pass you tissue. Call an ambulance. Offer you the day off. Fire your nutso ass...or better yet..and worse of all---Call you out for being a no good, emotional slackard (this happens mostly if you work with a bunch of post menopausal confirmed breeding producers, or those stone cold ice uterus, perfectly groomed and manicured top executives who love to chastize those in positions of weakness...JAN BELL is my arch nemisis in that regard.....LOVE YA JAN BELL....SMOOCHY KISSES TO YOU AND YOUR BARREN BITCHY SELF)

So...at the end of the jag...remember to fix your eyeliner before moving away from the post of your desk or the car of wherever...and call your mom if you can.

At least your mom will make you laugh about it all. After all she did have you didn't she? There must be something useful in those reproductive organs somewhere....

CLUCK.....

the hen

Getting used to my new body...

Oh the ups and downs of this infertility thing....If I had no boobs to start, I suppose I would not be so disgusted with my new ones...I don't know my body anymore. Nothing I own fits, my skin and hair is not the same and honestly, it is a little un-nerving. I am NOT EVEN pg yet....yet so SWOLLEN....

Did I mention cramps? No, I didn't.

The good news...A week of feeling well makes me appreciate two things.

1. How bad I felt on the meds.
2. How good it feels to feel well....

I think it is important to appreciate at least a clear head, calm emotions, rational thoughts and normal at least for me emotions....

Sigh....

Hen-OUT...

Questions...the hen wants to know

The hen here wants to know what in the hell is going on...I want to know why and how people who have crack addictions can get treatment without having to incur incredible debt but I, a God fearing, tax paying, sober, non-addicted, employed, educated, loving, friendly and eligible parent with my husband of the same description cannot get financial AID or assistance or EVEN insurance coverage for the treatment of OUR condition called INFER FUCKING TILITY..... Any takers on that questions? Huh? Anyone?

Didn't think so...YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

Because this isn't seen by society, our employers or the insurance company as an illness or a CONDITION that can be treated.

Instead, we are, especially us women...because you know men can have kids well into their senility years...VILLIFIED....KNOW what that word means? IT MEANS we are acting in a criminal way so much so that society tends to allow the condition to exist where we are told to be SILENT..that somehow this is OUR CHOICE...NO KIDS by 38...hmmmm MUST BE YOUR FAULT you career building, education seeking, kept your legs shut and your birth control current and up to date, even had an abortion when it made more sense to than to bring an UNWANTED, illegitimate child into the world GIRL....YOU stinking old school terminally USELESS WOMB YOU.....

Yes...I am pissed off. I saw a show of a minister's wife who already had 6 kids under the age of 5 when she knowingly GAVE BIRTH to conjoined TWINS...who later in life had to undergo millions of dollars worth of surgery to seperate themselves...WHO FUCKING PAID FOR THE THAT? ? ? ? DID they? DOUBT IT>........

I don't hate these people who burden the health care system or society...I HATE that we live in a society that DOESNOT burden some while they unfairly BURDEN others.....

That is all....

DRUG free sans hormones until my period comes...so CLUCK

-the hen...her fucking self...

Reaching deep...

The hen is a mess right now. The hormones account for the most wretched side affects. This feeling of haze and malaise....I called the doctor's today. We are stepping back on the prometrium a little bit tonight. Perhaps it will make it possible for me to get into work today. I stayed home today because I was such a mess in the morning that I was not where near able to drive myself to work. It didn't break until about 11:30 am. I drive 1hour each way to work. It isn't a great paying job so it hardly seemed like it was worth it to drive in. Except I think work is getting miffed at my mucho tardiness and no shows.

Sigh....

I am out of control....almost. If it were not for my fabu husband I would be in the dumps worse that I feel already....

I am blessed and I am cursed...

Nanny 911 is on TV right now.

How ironic. And this is what I want?

Hehehehe

Cluck

the hen

Keep your chin up....

That is what my dad said last night. "Keep your chin up." Good advice really. This is not for the faint of heart.

I am now taking a drug to induce a menstrual cycle. So I can bleed out the cause of our IVF pause. Prometrium is the name and progesterone is the game. If it doesn't work, then I need to have a D n C. Hooray... More surgery.

The thing that bugs me so and always has in this whole process is this: My husband and I desperately want a child. We are a stable relationship with good families on our side. And we can't have a child the "normal" way. We can't and we won't unless we go through this process. Or decide to bag it all at some point and adopt.

Adopt what? If we want an American baby, we would adopt a child from some woman or girl who can have kids but doesn't want one. Or it was an accident. Or they are druggies and can't keep one. Or, they are already over burdened with childen and don't want to have another.

I loathe these people. It comes so easy yet is so unwanted. I hate their uteruses and their ovaries for doing their job when the outcome is not desired. I hate those people who end up keeping that unwanted child for whatever reason, more child support, for public assistance, pure ignorance or whatever.

And I am not being judgemental in the normal sense. I am being judgemental because I am the other side of the coin and no matter how hard I chase the head, I am always going to be the tail. No matter what.

There is nothing I want more than a baby to call our own. And it breaks my heart because in some area high schools around here, girls are having babies because it is the latest trend...ha...right. Trendy.

When I was younger, I worked hard NOT to have a child. Because my mom told me, "We will not raise another child in this house" and because I knew it was NOT what I wanted for my life now.

Now, I am working even harder to have a child...the irony is killing me. So are the hormones.

6 more weeks of henaches before we can go on some LUPRON...hooray. Then more waiting and hoping...

Cluck...

the hen herself

Globs and Globs of gloppy stuff

Hmpf....

Good news tied into bad news. Seems to be the way things are sometimes huh? I made follicles. 6 of them actually. They were beeeeeuuuutiful. But alas, not to be. Because my crazy ass ute is glopped up with extra tissue that grew in the past week. Making it necessary to CANCEL our cycle.

CANCELLED!!!!

Crap.

So now, we are back to square one. Or rather square two if you want to be optomistic about it. Wait a minute. I can vascilate between one or the other.....But, for now, let's wear that wear the hat of the optomistic IVF patient.....OK...LET'S!!!!

They new more now that they did before. They know I make good eggs. They know I am very responsive to the meds which is why I made this excess tissue growing up from my uterus. They know that I am capable of handling lots of stress, needles, hen-aches, cramps, bloating and NOW DISAPPOINTMENT....

But, more that that (*see I am trying so hard to be optimistic)...They knew what to try next. MEDICINE IS A PRACTICE MEDICINE IS A PRATICE...I keep telling myself that because even I know doctor's are as clueless as I am about this sometime. My mom keeps telling me "you can't fool mother nature"....She is right.

So. When I settle down a wee bit..I will post what it is they (meaning the doctor) and I am going to do next!

CLUCK....

the hen

Have I told you how much this is sucking!

Aside from the shots, which are somewhat anti-climactic, and the hen-aches, which are managable most times, this whole IVF thing is sucking in the following ways:

1. I still go to work and am expected to stay on top of my sales game. Be on time. Be energetic and motivated. Be nice to my co-workers and make the 1 hour drive each day without falling asleep behind the wheel and/or killing the nutso drivers. Did I mention the weather was lousy last week too!

2. My mood swings go from rage to tearful to paranoid to needy to aloof to teary and back again. Oh, that is in one second of time.

3. I was anti-sexual before this. Now, I am really neuter. I don't want to mess up whatever is going on with sex act. Hmpf. This doesn't bother me too much. I am too mindful of what is going on to spend much energy on sexual expression. But, I am still here and so is my husband. Poor him. I feel bad.

4. I can't seem to make anyone happy this week and handily that is the best I can do. Show up, be awake and vertical. So sorry to anyone who may want more from me but isn't going to get it this week. And I don't think it is going to be better tomorrow.

On a brighter note: I do feel much better today. The hen-ache is virtually non-existant. I went to a seed starting class at a local smith and hawken store. Cool place. Cool class. Fun. Can't wait for a garden to start.

This makes me think that perhaps the whole IVF thing is failing. Because I am feeling well. Oh my head.

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound and blood test since it started on Monday with the last ultrasound and blood tests.

I tortured myself and went into Babies R Us. For no reason. Ended up buying two cute outfits for my 1 year old neice. There were so many moms dads and babies in there. I want one.

I WANT TO BE A MOM AND I WANT A BABY.

IVF is a really drag ladies and gents. It is surreal. Hard to manage. Painful and frustrating. Not for the weak of heart at all. I don't feel weak though. Quite strong actually. But still worried about it working and then dealing with the dreaded sense of being even MORE inadequate as a woman and a person.

The hen is tired. Must go to sleep in the nest. More from the roost tomorrow with some news.

If anyone reads this would you mind posting to me.

Cluck....

carla- the hen herself...

The hen herself

What am I doing this for? The hen, well she lays the eggs because she is programmed to do so. Like now, the hens are not laying eggs. Why? It is simply too cold outside not condusive to happy egg laying. When the stars align and the weather is right, they start laying and don't stop unless something prompts them too...like the weather or stress or lack of food etc etc....

This hen, well, she has been waiting too. For the right time, the right place and the right everything. Problem is you see, I waited a little too long and my eggs are a little too old to make a healthy happy chick. Pshaw! I am infertile. Hmpf. I'll say it myself because I read it a millions time up to this point...I am a barren hen. Past the point of ripeness. I spent the majority of the past 20 years trying not to get pregnant. And now, the stars are aligned correctly, and when I am ready, well my body says nope.

This hen is better suited to be a good mom now than in any other point in her life. And I waited. Was very conscious of the choices I made in terms of reproduction. I am proud of my choices because they didn't compromise my life or the life of anyone else born or not.

The hen herself is like my hyper wanting to be a mom alter ego. The hen is getting ready. Taking daily shots. Enduring bloating, cramping and OH the HEN-ACHES. THE HEN ACHES!!!!!

Let me tell you about those some other time!

We have eggs to recruit!

-the hen

Introduction - the Hen house

Where to begin? First, let me say this, I am no expert of infertility and I am not particularly interested in "baby dust" and "good luck to your embies" and this is the best - "hoping your follies do ok today". Nope. Not me. There is no such think as an embie, a follie or baby dust. As cute as it is and how ever it may help one or another to get over the whole devastation of being infertile and move into the even more interesting zone of infertility treatment. It is just not me. So don't, please don't expect me to use those terms. I won't. Not cute to me. And also, I don't like it when bloggers on fertility sites say things like 2dpt and BFN/BFP of those other TLAs that make my head hurt even more that it already does. With that being said:

Let me begin...

My name is Carla. I am a 38 year old married woman. My husband is a 32 year old man who I am married to now almost 2 years. I never subscribed to the "backlashy" notion that my biological clock was ticking. And because of that, I didn't marry the first or the second person that ever asked me. I am proud of that. I love my husband more that words can say. He is the best person I know. I am proud that we are married NOW in this time in our lives. We say often that our only mistake was that we didn't find each other sooner in life.

But, after a year of surgery to repair my painfully body parts and another year working very hard to get my career and more importantly my head on straight, we are now ready and able to proceed into the infertility treatment zone.

And it began on Sunday.

Well, it began in December last year (2007) then was sort of pushed off b/c of money reasons until February, then we found out that my ovaries were not on board with us so we had a month of birth control pills...funny huh? And so, this SUNDAY we started.

With shots.

This is needles people! Lots of them. And we are just starting. So...there you go.

That is the intro. I am sure I will have more to say in a minute. But I don't want these to get to verbose.

Please, if you read this....please say a little prayer for Will and Carla and the baby.

Now, get back to work!


Next blog....who is the hen?