blah blah blah

You know what....I Figured it out....

Getting PG is the single hardest thing I ever set out to accomplish. Harder than college, harder than moving or finding a mate.

And it was something to DO. Getting PG or going through IVF implies doing something in my mind. And although it sounds obvious, a 15 grand doing something takes a lot out of a person, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And out of the ppl who support them too.

Now, being PG. That is a totally different thing. That is a state of being, not doing. It is something that is, not that happens. I was super prepared to doing something to get PG. I read all the books, asked all the questions, saw doctors all the time.

But, this being pregnant thing, it requires a place and state of acceptance and calm that honestly, I was not prepared for at all. I was thinking only 1 second ahead at all time. Marking time with milestones in each section of IVF.

But, now, I am pregnant. And, this brings along its own set of emotional issues that I was unprepared for.

Ready....let's go!

1. I want someone to go in there and look. I spent so much time looking at my innards that well, I am having seperation anxiety.

2. I don't know when I will feel like I am safe. My want to be positive nature lags sometimes in the motivation department. So, I am Left wondering, am I really? Am I really going to stay this way? OH my god where am I going to get the energy to survive this?

3. I am sick of ppl saying , "oh you are only 5 weeks pregnant, that is only a little bit pregnant." Ok, the morning sickness, the fact I lost my job, the fact my boobs hurt, the fact that I am blown out by the IVF drugs, I guess that makes me LESS PG than say, someone else, who just found out b/c she missed her period and her and her ultra fertile mate were just getting down and got it done.


That is it for now. I am going to go eat my nutritionally balanced meal...before I barf.

be well all....

cluck

I GOT IT

I got pregnant. I am PG right now. Yup...preggers. Can you friggin believe that?

I don't.

I don't believe it.

The more I ignore it, the less it seems to bother me that I DON"T believe IT.

I am messed up.

We are only 4 weeks 5 days PG today. Now stay with me here. I have officially MISSED my period if I was going to have one. If I was a fertile person, I would have tested positive on a home preggo test. Which I did. My blood work clearly is PG PG PG positive. So, nutcase me, I don't believe it.

I Feel like I am in withdrawl from my RE's office. Weekly, then bi weekly scans. Blood work blood work blood work. Then....BLAMO.....

Nothing. No more monitoring for two weeks. No more looks inside the ute for 2 freaking WEEKS..

Now. I am going through severe what is it called.....

I forget. I can't think straight because apparently...I AM PREGNANT!!!!!

Tell the paper!

love to the eggs...the hen

Chilling with the hen

I am hanging out this weekend....taking shots. Enjoying the weather. Loving life. Life is good. And the ranting is on hold for the moment at least.....

Remember, it is the HENMONES...hormones....something like that...

back at cha lata....

hen

Haters can step off b/c the HEN IS IN THE HOUSE

Look all you haters out there....
Yea you!
I am talking to you.

How much do you pay me to hang out at your stinking, annoying and inefficient barnyard of a business? Not enough to put up with your prison work release attitude.

You back off now you hear!
Chill out! Shut up and Fuck off!

Cause then hen and her rooster are going for round 2.

Sorry if this mucks up your messed up minimicrolackomanagement style of business. So sorry.

You can blame me I suppose. But, you are going to have to deal with the rooster. And aside from his kindly exterior...he is one mean cock!

Ha ha....

So....are you offended yet? Ever had someone as smart as I am working at your shit hole establishment? Did they last long? Doubt it. Why?

You are too stupid to know why haters.....And I am sick of your attitude. So I am creating my own.

The deliciously honest, horomonely prompted, hyper fertilatious, bitch as she always wanted to be HEN herself.

And if you don't like it, then CLUCK you and CLUCK OFF....


all by..the hen herself

Scoop it out, clean it up and try again

Sigh...

Guess what? I am having a D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friends wedding. Guess what else? I am starting a new cycle on Thursday after my D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friend's wedding.
Guess what? I have my 1st ultrasound following the D n C and the start of a cycle a week from Tuesday. My husband will be back for that.

I told him to go not knowing I was going to need a D n C. But, honestly, I knew. Continuation of feeling of complete inadequacy makes it imppppposible for me to ask for what I want and express what I need.

Oh yea! Guess what else....? We are moving next all this month. Our current lease has been expired by a nutso landlord. So, my dear husband gets to move us because I am going to be on a new cycle.

Lupron sucks ass. It does. I am one big HOT FLASH....

I am eating my last foods until tomorrow after my surgery. Granola bar and water. If my husband was here I would send him up to get some ice cream or some chips or something yum.

Oh well...he is not.

Love ya hubby.....

your hen

Two faced, lying, ignorant bastards will not get in my way

There is nothing and I mean nothing more important in my life right now that making sure I am in the right state of mind to succeed at this IVF process.

Somehow my workplace did not get the word.

I told them way back in JANUARY of this year that I would be missing work a lot in the coming months / weeks. Because of the MEDICAL treatment I was going to receive for my infertility....

"Good luck, we wish you luck....We are behind you...etc" THat is what I heard out of their two faced lying mouths.

Then this week, after I missed a day because of debilitating HEADACHES...they WRITE ME UP...

OH yes, I might also add, my mother was in the ICU for 2 weeks in February and that took me away from work. I work a shitty $10 an hour job that is not worth risking my life driving in snow storms to get to so I missed a day for that too.

When I asked them if they needed doctor's notes etc..they said "OH NO, we don't need those."

I am pissed off.

This is not good.

And it is not a good time to be looking for other work is it now?

FUCK THEM and their TWO FACEDness....

That is all for now...

the hen

One word....

One word....

PREGNANT


I am NOT yet pregnant.

But my sister is, again.

So happy for her.
So sad for me.

Hang on little soul of mine, we are coming to get you soon...

love,

your hen

Big pads, big dreams, big tears

I bought the biggest maxi pads I have ever seen in my life at CVS the other day. You know what, the days of trying to fit my big old whooha into the little thong size pantiliner sized maxi pads are OVER....AND TAMPONS...for get it. I want to see what is coming out of me. AND more importantly:

LET IS FLOW!

LET IT FLOW!

LET IT FLOW!

Yes, I am losing my mind. If I have to have a period while trying to conceive a child after a 1 week stint of follicle stimulating HENMONES...and LutHENizing HENMONES not to mention some prometriHEN then I WANT TO GO BIG....BIG PADS...BIG BOOBS... BIG MOOD SWINGS...BIG NEWS...on the horizon...

Yes, we go to the RE (reproductive endocrHENologist) on Thursday for an ULTRASOUND....To see if we can PROCEED....

IF not, then surgery. SURGERY..FUN....GET TO TAKE A DAY I GUESS...BUT W/O PAY....hmpf....

THEN we get to pay more money to get MORE HENMONES to shoot into my already confused as hell body. I still have like 2000 dollars of drugs in my refrigerator.

You know what...had we started when we planned to (WE DON"T NEED NO STINKING PLAN....DR. FrankHENstein the Reprodcutive endocrHENologist is in CHARGE...even he doesn't have a plan per se)...WE would have found out if we were PG already....or NOT...

I prefer the PG option....

Anyone?

CLUCK....

the hen herself

CRYING JAGS BY the hen herself

The crying jag is a new sensation...

It is sweeping the nation, our at least our little house of hen
One minute you are laughing out loud
and without warning...BLAMO----
tears of....tears of what?

Joy? NO
SADNESS? Not really
Relief? NO
Disgust? NO
Empathy? Nope.

Then what....

Tears of PROMETRIUM, LUVERIS, MEGA-PMS, and don't forget your friend and ours, (insert your favorite FSH hormone med) GONAL-F....

Mixed with some tears of BCP (birth control..yes the irony there is as thick as paste) and don't forget that wonderful supression medication - drum roll please....LUPRON...

If you are lucky, when the jag is over, your friends, coworkers, family, dogs, cats, fish in the bowl, lady behind the counter at the store, person taking your toll at the booth, person you are talking to on the phone....won't think you are insane.

Although, the thought will cross their mind. They will pass you tissue. Call an ambulance. Offer you the day off. Fire your nutso ass...or better yet..and worse of all---Call you out for being a no good, emotional slackard (this happens mostly if you work with a bunch of post menopausal confirmed breeding producers, or those stone cold ice uterus, perfectly groomed and manicured top executives who love to chastize those in positions of weakness...JAN BELL is my arch nemisis in that regard.....LOVE YA JAN BELL....SMOOCHY KISSES TO YOU AND YOUR BARREN BITCHY SELF)

So...at the end of the jag...remember to fix your eyeliner before moving away from the post of your desk or the car of wherever...and call your mom if you can.

At least your mom will make you laugh about it all. After all she did have you didn't she? There must be something useful in those reproductive organs somewhere....

CLUCK.....

the hen

Getting used to my new body...

Oh the ups and downs of this infertility thing....If I had no boobs to start, I suppose I would not be so disgusted with my new ones...I don't know my body anymore. Nothing I own fits, my skin and hair is not the same and honestly, it is a little un-nerving. I am NOT EVEN pg yet....yet so SWOLLEN....

Did I mention cramps? No, I didn't.

The good news...A week of feeling well makes me appreciate two things.

1. How bad I felt on the meds.
2. How good it feels to feel well....

I think it is important to appreciate at least a clear head, calm emotions, rational thoughts and normal at least for me emotions....

Sigh....

Hen-OUT...