Turn off the lights, turn off the water, turn it all off

Guess what? I am financially in ruins. Student loans, hosptial bills from the IVF treatments, bills like utility bills we have not paid since we moved in (let's see that has been 4 months now. Yea. And to top it off, we bounced an asshouse of checks this weekend. Robbing peter to pay paul bit use in the ass. Big time. To the tune of hundreds of dollars. It is amazing. I think this year we have bounced enough checks to equal an entire month's pay check.

Now trust me when I tell you that I don't spend money on anything but food and gas. I don't even spend money on gas. I personally haven't driven my car in several weeks. Why bother right? No place to go.

And now, we have car registration due. I don't know is going on. It isn't the bank's fault. Clearly.

No one is opening bills but me. Why is that?

I think I have an ulcer. I don't sleep anymore. I had a granmal panic attack today that sent me to call my folks. My dad ended up going to get my antidepressant that I stopped taking on Sunday b/c we were bouncing checks so badly of course we couldn't afford it. You know what it ended up costing after all? .70 cents. Yup. Well I don't sleep anymore. And no amount of sleeping pills is going to help it at this point. All I want to do is sleep all day. So I do. And then at night I can't and don't want to sleep. No one calls at night. I don't need to talk to anyone.

How can I even thinking of moving on in the world when my financial situation and the lack of control I feel over it is making me sick?

Someone, an answer please.

Be careful what you wish for...

You know that old adage...becareful what you wish for b/c it might come true. Well, what is coming true for me isn't what I THOUGHT I was wishing for. I mean, what I wished for my whole life except for small moments of clarity, has NEVER been what I really wanted. It was always stuff that other people wanted for me. I lost the ability to think for myself and as much as I would love to blame that one someone, the time for blame is over. The things I try to hold on to the tightest as well as those things that I push away from me are things that were of MY wishing. And what I wish for now, I a mega major, hyperbolic change of mamouth proportions.

And when you wish for something, you need to be careful right? Because you might get it? There is a chance you might get it. There is a chance I might get it. I mean I didn't get to be a mom, not yet. And in my mind it is because in this current situation, as things are right now, I wouldn't be able to be the mom I want to me. My kid wouldn't grow up free from the mess of being bound up by other people's expectations and limitations. Don't I at least owe it to my kid, no matter how it comes, to let them experience life in a way I haven't yet?

I know this isn't the time in life to be making any sort of major decisions. We just lost a baby for crying out loud. It takes time to get over this right? Well, I will tell you what, I spent the better part of my adult life trying to get over something. Trying to get over moving as a kid, trying to get over my parent's divorce and relationship, trying to get over a lousy relationship in college, trying to get over not getting my degree as I should have done, trying to get over being in bad relationship after bad relationship. Blah blah blah blah.

Are you still with me? I don't care...

The truth is, I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. They can live their own life without me causing them to pause the spend one minute thinking about me outcomes. I mean really what a burden I am to them. They get to be free too to settle into their own lives without making pause to ponder my issues.

I know what you are thinking. I know you are probably thinking, OH MY GOD GET OVER THERE AND SEE WHAT IS GOING ON? ? ? SOMEONE...what a cry for help..blah blah blah...

THe more I stay here the more it is not clear ( I didn't say that) THe more I stay here the more I disappear. AS far as I have come to know what side I am on and now I am not so sure..THe line begins to blur...

There is something I should tell you and don't try to stop me. Because I am bound up enough by the messed up situations I find myself in time and time again because I follow other people's life plan. It isn't that probablyt it wasn't a good plan. Oh hell...it was a shitty plan. For me it sucked ass and the older I get, the more irritated I am by the fact that again, I BOUGHT INTO IT. HOOK LINE AND SINKER. Well maybe not that easily. Maybe the mental health issues, the numerous counselors, the time spent in stress centers, the medication all that was straining to get out of the expectations was all necessary but I AM DONE.

My husband and I are going to go to ALASKA. Where I get the feeling life will stop pushing on me and I can expand for one of the only times in my life.

Too bad...you don't get to decide this one and no one else gets to be involved in the decision except me and my husband. I couldn't do it without him and somewhere out there without the distraction of dissappointment, I can find out what I was supposed to be all along. You can get it, or not. I don't care.

And don't call me selfish. Cause the only selfish thing I have ever done is try to be what I was "supposed" to be and failed. And my failure doesn't even justify the effort I put forth. Because it is wasting time to keep on trying to be what I am absolutely NOT ever going to be. Not here at least.

When the noose comes off of my neck and I can breathe again like I want to...then, the pieces will fall into place. The dreams will come true. And the pressure relieved will make me see for the first time, the possibilities of me. The trappings of this life right now, obscure that very effort. I am tired. SO I am leaving.

Cluck...

Someone push...I did the work now someone pull the trigger

Next....

Yes that is it.

I am ready for the next thing now. I can't be pregnant on my own unless something happens. Something big. And even if I never get pregnant, I can't stay like this. There is a storm a brewing here so to speak. I cannot believe how incredibly consumed with the bull shit of being infertile I become in all of this. I bought it hook line and sinker. I did exactly what I SWORE I would never do and that is become a lemming marking along to my own death. The infertility medical complex (read this like military industrial complex) sends out these messages to everyone everywhere that nothing is doable on your own anymore no matter what. So no matter what, you gotta spend the cash. Big money to be made in this mess. I don't buy it anymore.

My personal self worth is not determined by the number of offspring are living in my house hold that came out of my body NOW. People can keep on getting pregnant and having kids around me. I am proud and happy for them. I am. Especially when I get to hang out with the kids. But, pleeeeeeez....

Don't feel sorry for me.

Because my existance as a woman and a person is not bound up in my ability to make babies.

When I find my own voice and get my footing back, I don't know if people will necessarily recognize me.

Cluck....

Beat me about the head

Why not? Why not black eyes and bruises? Why not veins laid open and scars that people can see. As it stands now, I feel as if I have been beat about the head. I can hardly see.

You see, I am trying really hard to make that stand. To take my life back. And along the way, during the past several months, well, things were pushed aside. Life passed me by. The other day I noticed these HUGE zucchini plants in my neighbor's flower beds. I don't know when they got there. I really don't. Did she plant them yesterday? Or have they been growing all along and I didn't notice until the other day? Honestly. I think life is moving along. Like it always does. And I am left here. Stuck.

When I try to unstick myself. Other's desires to stay stuck or push back...are amplified. I can't move myself. What makes others think I should be responsible for them too? I am not a mother. Not to anyone. And I Can't take the burden of having to say it all. Take control because the people I count on the most choose not to be in control. I needed them. And I have felt so alone. Now that I am trying to find myself again, I realize how left down I am by everyone around me. Didn't they see it? Or did they choose not to. Oh wait, I know! They choose to see what suited them. Even those closest to me.

I am so tired. Once again of trying to push and pull and cajole people into being on MY SIDE throughout this.

The selfishness of childlessness

The selfishness of living child free is punctuated for me by the fact that I played the Wall-E video game last night until the sun came up and slept today until 4:00 pm.

It is sunday, I suppose that is ok? Right?

Now, I am picking through some leftovers trying to find something good to eat and thawing some frozen pad thai in case nothing else looks good.

I feel so selfish. It is how it feels.

Still have not been back to the doctor's office. I don't want to be told anything I don't already know, sense or choose to avoid.

Infertility SUCKS....Ass

it does


cluck

Ghosts and seeing until the end

I think I have pink eye. Pink I.

I need to get my life back. Now I Can't see straight which seems fitting since I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know who I am anymore.

Nothing makes sense to me and I don't want it to anymore. I just want my life back. I don't know who I am. And I Don't want to know. I just want a new me.

No one can get close to me. Because I am as vacant and vapid as the air that surrounds me. Nothing bounces off me, it just goes through me and changes me as it goes. Nice thought huh? to be completely permeable by anything that wants to enter and exit on its own time and need?

My heart is broken in a million pieces. My life consumed by the lack of....anything meaningful left. Nothing exists for me right now. Just this painful pit of crap and bile that just won't stop burning me.

Everyone gets to decide what happens to me and in the end I lost control a long long time ago I just didn't know it.

I am sorry if none of this is making sense. Honestly I am.

I have been listening to NIN Ghost release tonight which is like a serious stream of consciousness string of music. I feel like I am riding it. The music and it sort of compels me to feel or write whatever it is I touch on in my thoughts.

I want my life back and I can't seem to get the strenght together to try to make a stand. To defend myself would be like trying to overcome a great barrier without knowing where it is or how big it is. I am living rather blindly and uninspired now since the loss of our baby. It is like when it left, I left too. It was all I wanted and all I had for those few weeks that actually made sense in my whole life. Ridiculous I know. I think I am too sensitive. Too Tender to be allowed to continue living.

Whenever I feel something, I feel it so intensely. When something touches me now, it touches me so incredibly, so deeply. Sometimes I lay in bed thinking of each thing that I can in turn until it hurts then I move on to the next thing. And when I think I can't take even another second of the sorrow or pain...I think of the loss of our baby. And I think hard on it. I let the loss tear at my skin and rip open and out my heart. And then, I empty my brain and the nothingness of the torn flesh and destroyed soul just bleeds and puts me to sleep.

I like the activity of making it hurt. So badly, in progression so that I feel each level like I am supposed to. I let the death of a friend, the loss of a pet, or the destruction something open up and burn. I carefully choose each thought for its precise ability to bring about the next level of pain. There are not random thoughts when I am practicing this mental exercise. Torture really but I works well for me I think. I makes me feel it all. Without anyone else telling me how I should feel. Especially the loss of our baby. I want to hover in that pain. I don't want anyone else telling me how I should feel about it. I want to be consumed by it. The loss, the panic. the saddness, the fear, the lonliness. All of it. Each in turn. Piece by piece. Bit by bit. Not all at once. Not like it was a week ago. But, incrementally. I want to go deep and see how close to the bottom of the feelings I can get.

This is sickness I know. There isn't anything to replace this activity right now. I just want to feel it all. Each pin prick and each heart break. Each piece of my life falling away. Until there is simply nothing left to feel. Nothing left. Nothing.

God Help me. I miss my baby.

What consumes me at the moment...Money problems

IVF wasted us financially. I lost 2 jobs over it. Spent 3 months in an outpatient mental health program. And now am unemployed. I was under employed at the last job I held and missed so much work w/o ANY pay. We are so behind on bills it is scary. I hate it. And still no baby.

I don't see any end to this problematic existance. I am so numb. Honestly. I feel numb. A little bit of stress now and again but even driving in the car today to put my unemployment money in the bank, I felt it. Numb. In a haze. Like life is passing me by.

Pregnant again

No, not me.

My sister in law this time. Is pregnant.

My sister is due in Aug. (her 2nd)

And NOW.....

My sister in law is due in February. Her second also.


Around the time we would have been due had it stuck around.

They both conceived about 1 year after their 1st one was born. Nice for them huh?
Can I leave the country now?

Why me?

So happy for them.
So sad for me.

Holidays will be fun this year.
Feeling so depleted. So defelated.

Feel like I am being beaten around the head. Slapped silly. (is That even possible).

I guess they were anxious about telling us.
They needed to be.

As if we were the infertile problem. The white elephant in the room. The moose on the table. The BIG RED TRUCK SO TO SPEAK.

Avoidance. Dispair. Mistaken. Envious.

Both DH and I feel bad we are so anger at them for being able to conceive so EASILY>

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR US?

It isn't getting better. ONly worse.

Can We leave the country now?

I think I might.

CLUCK

The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile - or sick and tired of being sick and tired

I am sick and tired.

Honestly. There is nothing I would rather be than not sick and tired.

There simply is not enough life left in me to be partial to doing much of anything right now and I gotta tell you this is rather scarey. To me at least.

Infertility is the well, the worst thing that I ever encountered in my whole stinking life. I mean, really.

The range of emotions is incredible. The amount of lack of control one feels is startling and unnerving to even the strongest of persons.

The strain it puts on my relationship with my husband is incredible. I mean, what else could it do to me that would be worse than not being able to have a baby than ending my marriage. It hasn't yet done it, but by God it was pushing on the envelope of tolerance pretty well.

I can't explain in words the sadness I feel. There isn't anything else I feel at the moment. Thank God. Because the anger is so stifling.

The sadness at least just drives me into the ground, or rather into bed to sleep it off.

The frustration well, that was the worst emotion of them all. The frustration of not being able to do anything else. We were relaxed. We were in good health. We did everything right to the number and the letter just like we were told and still NOTHING and no hope left and

NO FRIGGING MONEY LEFT.

The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile is like a shroud that you carry with you for the rest of your life.

Time has passed me by. I am done with my fertile years I am told. Too old. Too this too that but still no answers. Is age the only issue? Then why try at all? Why do it to being with? Why do IVF/ICSI without hope?

I read some entries from my journal this past December. When we were still in the early testing phases of this go around. I was so hopeful. I was so full of anticipation and that energy, if I Remember correctly was so positive and honest. And then, nothingness. It went from trying to nothingness. From positive and hopeful despite all of our setbacks, pain, loneliness, trials, losses and right up until the end...we had it, that wishful, honest hope that only comes from desperation I think now on it.

Desperation is a feeling that I think few people really get and the saddest thing is, there is medicine and medical practice in the world today in so many ways that breeds from people's desperation. I know I was played. I got it hook line and sinker. I was desperate, still am really, and I would do just about anything, no I would have done ANYTHING and probably still would to be able to have a baby of our own.

I walked, willingly through the GATES of HELL.

I am not kidding.

It hurt.

It really hurt, physically so painful.

I am not a whiner nor a weakling. Not that I should even have to justify it in any way but I feel I do.
Just lie still.
Just don't move around.
Take your narcotics and stop calling now.
That is what I got.

What type of medicine assumes as much as this type does?

Let's just assume that her pain is from this or that or whatever? That is how it seemed to me. So many assumptions.

Emptiness is another so stifling emotion.

OH my god I feel so drained. So empty now.

The chances are what now?

What are my chances assuming my husband and I just go back to trying ourselves? I can't even imagine.

I mean, first of all, we bought, hook line and sinker the diagnosis of infertile didn't we? SO, how can we go back to just being a couple trying on our own. That harbours even more emptiness for me in the end because we already bought (literally) our diagnosis.

Without anymore chances, how can we hope for a better outcome than what we already experienced?

Anyone?
Anyone have any answers to this?
Come on, someone try?


Answer people get this ok?This is not GOD"S FRIGGIN PLAN FOR ME! This is not for the best and it is most certainly NOT SOMETHING I CAN JUST GET OVER....I hate this, you hate it too for me I imagine but in the end it is something that I HAVE>>>>>>>>>Plain and simple.

Do you know how badly we want a baby?

I didn't know how badly I really wanted a family until I couldn't have one of my own. I want to know why this is happening to us! More than anything, I want to know why this is happening to us. My husband and I are good, hardworking people.

I simply cannot imagine my life with this overbearing shadow of a miscalculation in timing, process, and medicine. I did everything right didn't I? I didn't marry a jackass of a man just to have kids? I knew waiting was the right thing.

SO Why am I BEING PUNISHED LIKE THIS? ? ??? ?

Ok, so life isn't fair. I get that. I do. But, just this once, this one thing, this one BIG thing, I would like to catch a break on....PLEASE! And my husband, he is younger than I am. He could, well there are a lot of "he could have" out there...I shudder to think. I know the truth is that we both carry this burden with us. And without it, we would have a baby on the way right? ? ?? ?


cluck...

When I was a kid....

Ok...I get it now...the reverb of "when I was a kid.................Blank" is finally coming clear to me.

To recap....all last week, in my drug induced stupor, I kept repeating the phrase, without any encouragement, "When I Was a kid......" THe idea being that I Would complete the sentence and have a conversation at least with my self about...well, myself.

So here we go....My list of completion of "When I was a kid......................


When I Was a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted to take care of animals of all kinds. But, then this butt head of an algebra teacher, no it was geometry, talked me out of this goal..WHen I was a kid I was very impressionable and I wanted to be noticed for good not bad. And this jack hole decided it would be fun to put the ppl w/ the lowest grades on any given day in the front row and sit the rest of the class according to grades...I was always in the last seat. I never took math again. NO vet school for me.

When I Was a kid my parents stepped out with the boat drifting along. No one was steering the boat when I was a kid. Sure, we had food, we had a house etc. But, no one was paying attention. Not to me at least, perhaps to my sister's friends but not me.

When I was a kid, I got stood up for prom. Yes. I had the cutest dress and really really liked my date. I think was his name...nope can't remember it. He told me the only reason I was dating him was so I would have a date for the prom. I wasn't the hottest girl in school, but I didn't appreciate that much at all. Remember, when I Was a kid I Was very impressionable. I was wounded for life after that.

When I was a kid, felt invisible. Not only to myself but to others. Too deep to go into here.

When I Was a kid, I didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't have sex, hell, I didn't even kiss a boy until I was almost graduated from HS.

When I was a kid, I thought I was fat. HA!

So, there we go, there is some thoughts for you there.....and for me there.

CLuck....