Henhouse is being torn down

It is time to close the chapter of this story.



The hen, despite her best efforts is left a spinster old hen. Dry. Barren and listless.



It is time to move on to a new story.



It is time to start telling a new story from a new perspective.



The hen needs to rest now and the new chick needs to amuse herself amongst the ashes and the ruins of the life in the henhouse while we all wait to move on to the new house. The cottage...



So, please follow the chick...she is clucking along, trying to reword a life story that seems to have led to this serious state of disappointment, sadness, lonliness and somehow, a brief little element of hope.



I think I am a savenger. Chicks often are aren't we. Scratching for little bits of seed and grass, and little bits of life. To feed my soul, I am going to scratch and search for the small bits that hopefully will add up to some big bits in the end.



My hopes for a baby are over.

My hopes for a happy marriage are dashed.

My hopes for love are ...well...they are still worth seeking out. Those little bits.

My hopes for home are ever present and this is why, to make the next 12 months worth it all, I need to move to the cottage and leave the henhouse behind for now and forever.



So, this is the last hen post. Welcome to the chick...maybe by going back we can grow on forward.

Chick says this...visit us at

www.bluebellecottage.blogspot.com

This is where the new story begins and the new chick life starts. Come visit!

Emotional Cutter

You want to make it hurt just a little more. Just a little until...until...it bleeds or it weeps or the sorrow is so great so great that the only alternative to the sorrow is this peaceful worn out feeling. This feeling means I have taken in my dosage of pain and taken it well taken it hard. And pushed and pulled it around until it cuts me. Deeply to my heart. And I bleed and I bleed emotionally for the losses of my life. There have been big ones. I can revist those with exact clarity sharp and clean. The little ones, those are little nicks. Then there are the new ones I create. The new ones that I allow to peneatrate my soul. I invite them. I wish for them because to replace the pain with anything else is not part of what gets me. Gets me to feel. If I cannot feel happiness then by god I might as well feel abject pain. Bleed me. Emotionally dry. I want it. I want the relief sweet relief of getting it out.

This is the last of the private places I can think of to be. This little website slice where the words can flow freely and I don't care if anyone listens but secretly I hope someone does.

I heard the term emotional cutter on Sex in the City. I hate that show but some how I feel compelled to watch it. The emotional cutter was Kerry. Yes she sort of matches me in some ways.

I am missing....
I am lost....without.

The cottage on the trail

The cottage in the woods by the trail. That is the place i see in my dreams now. The warm wood floors. The big long kitchen. The loft bedroom with the old fashioned bathroom. The flowers and the yard with the green green grass. This is where I am in my dreams and i miss it even though I have never been there. I am going there. It is going to be my new house. It even feels like home. Which is a feeling i have not had in a long long time.

I still have not bled. It is now almost 2 weeks. I am oddly ok with this. And oddly ok with what it might mean. It probably means something is wrong. It means more surgeries are coming. It means not what I want it to mean. I broke down last week and took a test. Took two actually. I felt giddy. Like it always feels. Only this time I wanted oh what I wanted was so very much on my heart.

THe other alternative is unthinkable. No more. I am done and ready to be a shrivelled up old hag? Oh god I hope not.

I dream everynight of the love Ive known. I spin all around in my dreams looking for the heart I miss so much.

All these dreams slip away from me in the daylight. But, at night, in my dreams, I see them all unfolding in front of me like a great white tablecloth. All clean and new and real and soft. And we dance on the soft cloth and leave our marks on each other and we fold our hands together and hold. Then I awake and the distance of missing you sinks in. Missing it all. Missing my babies that will not be. Missing the you...MIssing the time to spend with loved ones. Feeling outcast in the daylight but, dreampt of and desired in the dark.

I know none of this makes sense. But, in the year since I lost my child. And in the months since I left my crap ass marriage I have learned not to judge the nonsense of it all. The nonsense will someday, I pray make sense...because right now, it is just well it is just ridiculous. all of it.

I miss you
I miss us
I miss the verb of Love...

Flying by the seat of my pants

So, I am flying here. By the seat of my pants literally. How does one pull out a master illusion of normalcy? Oh, I know, change ones reality. And this is what I have done girls boys everyone out there. Change the reality you see every day. Make the change. Stick with it. Work the changes through and feel, yes feel the pain if need be. These isn't any shame in feeling the pain after all. And Oh boy do I feel it. Not in what I have left behind, but more than this is simply a process. I have choose to go through it. I will live with the consequences and by god, I will not die in the process.

Yes, loosing the baby was a shock. Yes, believe or not, you can remake yourself in a new image if you choose to live child free. And right now, that is how I see it. I am going to live myself without a child. Right now. And so, it that reality it what it is, I am ready to live with the outcome.

There isn't a way to honor the losses. There isn't. So why bother anymore. I wanted the world to see it for what it is, and it isn't possilbe. I want to fill my life with the other parts of the life I have denied myself. I want to reconnect. I want to flourish. And I am happier now in a less stressful way.

I am gone from my husband's house. I want that part of my life to be complete. I want to feel the sun on my face again.

Oh yes...my figure, I am getting it back from the year of henmones. I am getting back my fitness. And I am getting back my life. It is all possible. It is.

Cluck

Moving.

I like living in Anchorage. I like the fact I have no commute to speak of. I like it. I don't want to stop liking it. So I won't.

Moving.

Let's be honest...everything has a price doesn't it

It used to be, when I was younger, when I wanted something all I had to do was think it. It would happen sometimes with a small or large amount of effort. But, like that it was done.
Now, everything and I mean everything has a price. A pound of flesh, a couple thousand dollars, a couple 10s of thousand dollars..you name it..there is always a price. Even vacating a relationship has a price. Everyone wants a piece. Everyone wants to compare, contrast, motivate, design and overlay their own needs, their own price, their own desires, their own charges are levied on me now. Everyone has one and let me tell you what, this is my price:

I am free. I am cost free. If you want a piece of me, all you need do is ask. I don't care. You can ask. I can deny but you won't buy me, I won't be sold and my freedom is all that matters right now. I won't pay the price for mistakes anymore. I won't pay the price of loving any more. And I won't pay the price for wanting happiness anymore. I won't. So, if you have a price, I won't pay it. If each little action costs something, if the price of vacating this relationship is in dollars, then so be it. But no one, no one I repeat...get it...will get this payment from my soul. This soul, this heart, this love, this passion, this need, this mind, this person, me...I can't be owned. I can't be bargained for. I can't be won. I am free. And if you want to buy, own, sell me you can't. If you want to desire, want, love, hate, curse, feel, know, touch my heart, these are all free. I give them freely. I do. I can because they are mine, only mine to give. To whomever, whenever, whatever I choose. If it is a friend, I choose it. If it is job, I choose it. If it is an adventure, I choose it. I choose. Not someone else. Not even God. Not you. I get this now. I do. I want to be alive. I want to experience life on my own terms. I want to love with my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole body, my whole mind. And no, this doesn't mean I give any of it away in the process. NO one, no one, no need, no want, no desire, no other person, no idea, no church, no faith, no past, no future, no emotion OWNS me.

I am unownable. But, I will love. I will. And I will love so fearlessly. So purely. So increasingly perfectly that no one, no one, will ever wonder...especially me, did I ever let it pass my by. I won't be owned. But, I will love. I can.

So, this makes sense to me. I am stronger, and more real now. I am honestly centered for perhaps the first time in my life. And I will love.

love....

carla

Crap how do I do this now?

How do I move now? How do I? Who do I ask for help? My friends have all decided that they don't want me around anymore. They don't accept that things are going going gone south. You know what, this should come as no surprise. nothing surprises me anymore. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that there are simply not enough words to explain how I feel. And I Don't really expect people to understand. I don't. Because well...because no one can judge me unless they've walking in my shoes. Oh I hate that euphamizsm....

But its true. I don't want to be let down. I don't want others to be let down by me. I don't. And I Can't ask others to do for me what I can't do for myself. So, here is what I am asking in case anyone cares...

1. Do not judge me. You don't get it.
2. Don't be an ass to me. It only makes it worse.
3. Please listen to me. With an open heart and compassionate mind.
4. Do not apply judgement from past actions...this is different. This is bigger. This must be done.

I don't want to die an old maid. I don't want to be bitter and angry. Right now, I am bitter and angry. The old maid thing..well whatever. If I never have the pleasure of the flesh again, I guess I won't die. If I never get to love someone again...well that would be a shame. I am a very good, loving caring person who desperately wants more than anything to love...I do really.

I just don't want my life fucked up in the process and that I what has happened...

so...

fluck

Bad girl...bad bad

I am a bad girl....

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I will most likey never have kids of my own. And somehow, that feels reassuring. Because now, I can figure out what I do want now. The clock started ticking for me when everyone around me started having them and I was left without. And now, since the clock has stopped...

I have made the most incredibly devestating decision I have ever made that impacts another person in my whole life. I am done w/ being married to my husband. And what is worse...it feels different now. Like I pulled out a bullet or a blade from my heart.

I can't keep pushing this boulder up the hill. And the truth is, he is not the boulder, the boulder is me. And what i wanted when we got married. I wanted to be married to have kids. That was it. And I thought since i was running out of time, i had to do something and the rest of course would fall into place. I am shallow. I am unforgivable and certainly unforgiven. And if he hates me b/c I am so sorry and shallow, then I guess I deserve it.

Someone said to me this weekend not to try to make any decisions in the dark. An old Alaska thing. And perhaps that is true. I can't see the sun from where I am and it doesn't matter if it is day or not. So, the daylight doesn't matter.

What the hell am I doing? I can't believe how passive I have become. And I am faking it so hard right now, I can't stand myself. What is worse, I have known this for a long time. Or at least some time. Maybe not a long time. Just a time. Lots of other ppl around me have seen it. But, no one stood up to me. No one. And now, I am finally standing up and saying enough.

I thought that this would all go away and it hasn't. I am so tired. But, yet i am so invigorated. It feels like I am going insane w/ being splitso. And yes, there are a lot of things we could probably work on. And I don't want to. I don't want to process it. I don't want to go see anyone about it. I can't stand the loss but I can't bear the alternative.

When the spring comes, I won't be the same person as I was when I got here. And in a lot of ways, this is sort of what it was all leading up to. This place, Alaska, it does not leave things just alone for me at least. It demands more than just existing. It demands more. And that is what I am demanding.

I have been so passive in my own existance. It pains me to see myself now. And I let it happen. I did. And now, I am going to make this happen. Because to do any less would be something like dying. I don't want to die now. Maybe I did earlier last year. But, not I don't want to. I want to find out what happens when the sun comes up.

I am sorry. I really am. Like I am sorry for so many things I have done. How can I ever be forgiven? Who will ever forgive me?

I am .....

a bad bad girl.

Have you ever?

Have you ever slept so hard and so deep that you feel like you died? And then when you woke up you felt so tired you thought you would never wake up? That is me today. There is not an ounce of heat in me right now. And I am soooo tired.

Too much sleep, not enough...not enough...not enough something. Not enough moving. Not enough thinking...and certainly not enough doing of anything.

I think this weekend I am going to knit like crazy and read books. Or something. Just not sleeping. Cause not matter how deep I sleep it is never enough.

And not being alone. Oh my God I dread the weekends b/c I am soooooooooo lonely. Work is fun b/c there are ppl here to talk to and laugh with. The weekends are mundane and lonely. And because of that I usually feel sluggish, depressed and isolated. And when I say I dread the weekends, I mean it. I dread them. Like when Friday comes, I can't wait until Monday again. Isn't that sick and sad.?

Don't answer that. B/c I already know the answer.

Cluck

Plans on hold

IVF plans are on hold indefinately. I don't know why. I am fickle...I am allowed. My faith is not where it used to be.

When I was a kid....

Ok back to this again..for the past 6 months or so this common phrase keeps running through my day to day thought patterns. When I am busy or when I am quiet, it is there. And it demands an answer.

I think I might have one. I thought originally, the answer was in something I should have done. And probably there is a part of it that is like that.

But, I am more intrigued by a thought I had today. During the noise of the day. And I didn't come up with this. Someone gave the thought to me. But, I made it my thought too.

When I was a kid (And I Don't mean when I was 6, I mean when I was like 18)...I loved like there was no tomorrow. And it was new. And I was unjaded, unblemished, new at it all. Everyday was like looking out the window and seeing snow for the first time in my life. And despite all of the knowledge I have gained in life, when I was a kid, I was fearless and bold. I was unabashedly passionate. My soul had such incredible capacity to be free and open to everything and sing. When I was a kid I was new and I loved like I was new.

And now, I know too much! Too many things, too many people are lost to me now. And so a part of my soul is darker now. More closed off and hardened. It hurts because like any good loss I feel it a little or a lot each day. The older I get, the more backed up on me these things become. And again it is loss and that indescribalbe feeling of NOT being able to get it back.

I think it is this When I was a kid message that I was missing. I am missing. Because I want that back. I think that is one of the reasons I wanted to come to Alaska. Because I didn't know about it and it would ignite in me that passion for the new and the fresh. And perhaps reawaken my soul to things that are unimaginable. And I do. I see things everyday that stir me. I see eagles and moose and the mountains and the water. And I missed that feeling of the new everyday for so long.

And it isn't just the newness of it all. It is the way it makes me feel. A little bit more like I was when love was new and the closeless that was only possible to me then was right there.

I miss that. I miss being able to completely trust in someone. And perhaps even more than just the fact that I miss the act of trusting and loving, I miss the fact that maybe just maybe I won't be able to feel that way.

I miss my baby. And I missing hoping for him. And I miss that unabashed love I had for him like nothing since when I was a kid was possible.

Sigh...
cluck

Things I thought I would never do or say

What is responisble for the downward spiral I feel like my relationship w/ my husband is in?Now mind you, I don't think my DH and I are doing anything wrong to each other. We aren't missing the point. We care about each other. We love each other to the extent possible. But we aren't connected and I think it is b/c of what we don't have. And the pieces of ourselves we have lost on the way to where we are right now. Childless.

I know I am battered by all this childlessness. The loss. The medical mess. I mean look at me. When we started this 2 years ago, I was healthy. Vibrant. Alive and thin. Now, I am old, fat, no energy, messed up. And no amount of therapy is fixing it. Doctors don't look at me like a whole person. And I feel let down. I feel let down b/c I tried so hard and all I wanted was some time w/o pressure to recover from the loss of not only the baby but also so much more. My health. My career. My hopes. And I didn't get that time. Not in girl years at least. I got pressure. And even if my DH didn't know it, although I think on some level he did, all the pressure for sex was enough to send a sane person over the edge let alone someone who had just spent a whole year pretty much with the dildo cam as a sex partner.

And I am feeling battered by the whole fact that everytime I look at my DH, I see someone who didn't do what he was supposed to do to get through this. He was supposed to lose like 100 lbs to make it work. And he didn't even try. Not for his sake and not for mine but more importantly not for our family.

And then, as it was winding down he said, well I didn't even really want kids. It only happened this way b/c you wanted them. Somehow, that was supposed to excuse him from the fact that he didn't have to participate fully. For him, the hardest part was what? I don't know what it was. I guess it was that he didn't see what I wanted to come to fruition and possibly more but it doesn't matter b/c now I am supposed to snap back and just pretend I guess that nothing happened.

When clearly something did happen. And lots of things didn't happen. And no where in all of this did we try to stop loving each other. But, somewhere along the way I lost hope and so I did.

In the recap of it all...in the end...I don't know many things about who things work. I don't. I know it.

And I want to know. I do. But, what I don't see is how the world was/is made a better place b/c I went through all of this. And how do I save my relationship w/ my husband?

Cluck!

Freeking Freeezing..and a decision

Well..the New Year is in full swing. Here in lovely Alaska we are in a cold snap that right now adds up to the 3rd longest cold snap in Alaskan history since they started recording. NO kidding right? I get the whole thing together, move up here only to be one of 800000 people frozen to the ground by the cold. Oh, btw, my DH and I bought a 750 Cold cranking amp battery for our car. I don't know what that technically means. But, it can't be bad!

So, I turned 39, a new year rang in w/o ill effect. And I am confronted w/ this strange and newly amazing choice. Do we try just one more time? Throw all we have at it? I say....YES. You know why? I know what to expect this time. I did it once and yes it almost killed me. But, this time, I know better what to expect.

We still have one little embyo on ice back in Indiana. An embryo whose little bros didn't make it, but who still has a chance. And we will cycle again later this year I think.

First things first...ok so the first IVF and the winter spread o the hips that comes from wintering over in Alaska need to start coming off. I am commited this time to get in better shape. I need to loose like 50 lbs. I can do it. And I have a better reason than just myself.

So, b/c sometimes we make decisions and sometimes they are made for us, I say..YES.

And thanks Susan for the post. I am going to call the doctor in Denver. That shouldn't be too far to fly from here. And I like Denver. Have been there several times.

Cluck!