Nasty thoughts about my body...

first, thank you to everyone who commented....it means a lot....

now...moving on....

Nasty thoughts about my body - by thehenherself

let's start at the very beginning.
The ovary

- more than once during this whole ordeal have I wanted to rip you both out of my body and stomp you on the ground like a rotten piece of fruit. And now you torment me, after the D & C with not so subtle painful reminders. Stabbing pains. Where is my pocket knife - I want to cut you out and stomp on you with big boots and leave you in the street to rot. Tried my whole life to subdue your rants and raves with birth control, shots, patches, pills...And now when I need you to perform as intended you fail me. I hate you both. Especially you left ovary. Useless bitch. You caused me more pain that anything internal or external ever has in my whole life.

Moving in on the UTERUS -

Piece of shit uterus. Useless since the day I met you as a preteen getting my 1st period. I imagine you were scraped clean of the shit smelling, rotten blood colored tissue. And my baby. You couldn't hang in there just a little longer could you? Make yourself useful for once. I am tired of the brown clumps dropping out of my body. I wish I Could wring you out between my hands and put you in the disposal. Chop you up into little bits. Cause that is how I feel. Chopped up into little bits. You torment me even further still by clamping and cramping. Can you please just go away? Leave me alone and disappear!

And now the vagina -

Have you ever tried to imagine that you might have been useful for something more than a skin sheath for a dick? You know, things go in all the time. You were once something to play with. Something that was dear to me because you were pleasureable to have. DId it ever occur that perhaps something could COME OUT beside the smelly stench of rotten blood and tissue? Like maybe a baby? Piss on you. I wish I could clamp you shut. I hate you too.

And the clitoris -

Fuck you clitoris. You have been sitting back tucked so neatly away in la la land of external gentalia that you don't even count for anything anymore. No amount of pleading could ever make me want to touch you or be touched again. If you think you are coming back online as soon as the pain of the D n C is over, you are nuts. Fuck you clitoris. I could cut you out and laugh at the pain. That is what I have to do all the time anyway right? Put on a brave face. A front so no one really will know how bad I feel. Liar.

And the labia -

Where is my stapler? Needle and thread? I want to sew you up. So nothing in, nothing out. No more weekly invasions from the ultrasound dildo. No more specula...no more suppositories. No more fake promises and lies. No more chances for it to work, this time. No more on a wing and prayer. No more looking at my twat when I am under anethesia. And no more of you. I used to think you were neat. Now, your drooping lips and overgrown hair make me want to puke. I am tired. I am tired of you labia. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I could sew you up so no one and nothing could gain access.

I was only given a 35% chance of this working. This IVF and ICSI thing. And now, I hate myself. For GOD SAKE....I hate my body and all that it CAN'T do...And I can't change that. Not now. No amount of therapy can change the hate I Feel for my body.

Let's not forget to mention the unexplained BLADDER pain after every D n C. I couldn't get off the toilet tonight. Popped another Darvocet and the old standby pain reliever AZO to get some relief. Ever had a charlie horse? Well, even though the worse bladder spasms are over, my gut feels like it has been repeatedly punched over and over and over again till it is black and blue and bruised from the INSIDE.

And, my insides feel like they have been rubbed overly vigorously with coarse grit sandpaper. Oh, wait.....That is pretty much what happened on FRIDAY.

THE HORMONES----I AM CRASHING......depth of dispair, pit of pain.

Oh yea....80% of the women in their childbearing years at the party I went to to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday this Saturday were pregnant...I wasn't. Not anymore.

Not anymore.

My body is a cage. I can't escape it. And right now, I HATE IT. I think I Have an ulcer. My henaches are back in my head. Let's not even mention my useless oversized breasts. Did I ever tell you I went out and bought some maternity bras? You know, the ones you can unhook to nures a baby?

I am done.

I wish I could turn back time and get my child bearing years back and line them up with my marriage so we could just do it like rabbits and have a kid on our own.

I hate myself.

cluck---

Dead embyos don't have funerals / no one is bringing us casseroles

Would someone please send a casserole? A card of condolence? How about a conversation?

There was a bad thing that happened to our pregnancy. It is OVER. At 9 weeks it is over. Fetal demise. Tissue must come out. There isn't going to be a funeral although I am mourning worse than any funeral I ever attended. One on is bringing over cake or casserole. I love casserole. Especially the ones other people make.

This sucks. I am going for another D & C tomorrow morning. Evacuate the contents of conception. Test the tissue. Find out why? I am done. Done with infertility. I am emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and SHATTERED....

I guess I should expect it to end. I should have. But, I love being pregnant and even this evening as I sit here I know the fetus is DEMISED...but, it is still in me. And I will miss the...what...person that I was harbouring in my body. I made him and now he is GONE.

I am so depressed I Can't stand it. How much medication can I take? Hard to say.

Another D & C. Suck and chuck I Call it. And no answers.

and no casseroles.

please someone send me one please. Just acknowledge they way that people do DEAD people. Because we are going to a funeral at the hospital tomorrow, my husband and I. Except no one is sending us cards, condolences or casseroles.

sigh..this has changed me FOREVER now. I will never be the same. I am not sure I want to be right now. I Could honestly crawl into a hole and never be seen from again.

I loved being pregnant. And I love my baby.

Good night and good bye little one. I know I will see you in heaven and there are lots of people waiting there for you. Please don't be afraid. You were so wanted and I would give anything to have you here with us know. Anything at all.


you mom

blah blah blah

You know what....I Figured it out....

Getting PG is the single hardest thing I ever set out to accomplish. Harder than college, harder than moving or finding a mate.

And it was something to DO. Getting PG or going through IVF implies doing something in my mind. And although it sounds obvious, a 15 grand doing something takes a lot out of a person, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And out of the ppl who support them too.

Now, being PG. That is a totally different thing. That is a state of being, not doing. It is something that is, not that happens. I was super prepared to doing something to get PG. I read all the books, asked all the questions, saw doctors all the time.

But, this being pregnant thing, it requires a place and state of acceptance and calm that honestly, I was not prepared for at all. I was thinking only 1 second ahead at all time. Marking time with milestones in each section of IVF.

But, now, I am pregnant. And, this brings along its own set of emotional issues that I was unprepared for.

Ready....let's go!

1. I want someone to go in there and look. I spent so much time looking at my innards that well, I am having seperation anxiety.

2. I don't know when I will feel like I am safe. My want to be positive nature lags sometimes in the motivation department. So, I am Left wondering, am I really? Am I really going to stay this way? OH my god where am I going to get the energy to survive this?

3. I am sick of ppl saying , "oh you are only 5 weeks pregnant, that is only a little bit pregnant." Ok, the morning sickness, the fact I lost my job, the fact my boobs hurt, the fact that I am blown out by the IVF drugs, I guess that makes me LESS PG than say, someone else, who just found out b/c she missed her period and her and her ultra fertile mate were just getting down and got it done.


That is it for now. I am going to go eat my nutritionally balanced meal...before I barf.

be well all....

cluck

I GOT IT

I got pregnant. I am PG right now. Yup...preggers. Can you friggin believe that?

I don't.

I don't believe it.

The more I ignore it, the less it seems to bother me that I DON"T believe IT.

I am messed up.

We are only 4 weeks 5 days PG today. Now stay with me here. I have officially MISSED my period if I was going to have one. If I was a fertile person, I would have tested positive on a home preggo test. Which I did. My blood work clearly is PG PG PG positive. So, nutcase me, I don't believe it.

I Feel like I am in withdrawl from my RE's office. Weekly, then bi weekly scans. Blood work blood work blood work. Then....BLAMO.....

Nothing. No more monitoring for two weeks. No more looks inside the ute for 2 freaking WEEKS..

Now. I am going through severe what is it called.....

I forget. I can't think straight because apparently...I AM PREGNANT!!!!!

Tell the paper!

love to the eggs...the hen

Chilling with the hen

I am hanging out this weekend....taking shots. Enjoying the weather. Loving life. Life is good. And the ranting is on hold for the moment at least.....

Remember, it is the HENMONES...hormones....something like that...

back at cha lata....

hen

Haters can step off b/c the HEN IS IN THE HOUSE

Look all you haters out there....
Yea you!
I am talking to you.

How much do you pay me to hang out at your stinking, annoying and inefficient barnyard of a business? Not enough to put up with your prison work release attitude.

You back off now you hear!
Chill out! Shut up and Fuck off!

Cause then hen and her rooster are going for round 2.

Sorry if this mucks up your messed up minimicrolackomanagement style of business. So sorry.

You can blame me I suppose. But, you are going to have to deal with the rooster. And aside from his kindly exterior...he is one mean cock!

Ha ha....

So....are you offended yet? Ever had someone as smart as I am working at your shit hole establishment? Did they last long? Doubt it. Why?

You are too stupid to know why haters.....And I am sick of your attitude. So I am creating my own.

The deliciously honest, horomonely prompted, hyper fertilatious, bitch as she always wanted to be HEN herself.

And if you don't like it, then CLUCK you and CLUCK OFF....


all by..the hen herself

Scoop it out, clean it up and try again

Sigh...

Guess what? I am having a D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friends wedding. Guess what else? I am starting a new cycle on Thursday after my D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friend's wedding.
Guess what? I have my 1st ultrasound following the D n C and the start of a cycle a week from Tuesday. My husband will be back for that.

I told him to go not knowing I was going to need a D n C. But, honestly, I knew. Continuation of feeling of complete inadequacy makes it imppppposible for me to ask for what I want and express what I need.

Oh yea! Guess what else....? We are moving next all this month. Our current lease has been expired by a nutso landlord. So, my dear husband gets to move us because I am going to be on a new cycle.

Lupron sucks ass. It does. I am one big HOT FLASH....

I am eating my last foods until tomorrow after my surgery. Granola bar and water. If my husband was here I would send him up to get some ice cream or some chips or something yum.

Oh well...he is not.

Love ya hubby.....

your hen

Two faced, lying, ignorant bastards will not get in my way

There is nothing and I mean nothing more important in my life right now that making sure I am in the right state of mind to succeed at this IVF process.

Somehow my workplace did not get the word.

I told them way back in JANUARY of this year that I would be missing work a lot in the coming months / weeks. Because of the MEDICAL treatment I was going to receive for my infertility....

"Good luck, we wish you luck....We are behind you...etc" THat is what I heard out of their two faced lying mouths.

Then this week, after I missed a day because of debilitating HEADACHES...they WRITE ME UP...

OH yes, I might also add, my mother was in the ICU for 2 weeks in February and that took me away from work. I work a shitty $10 an hour job that is not worth risking my life driving in snow storms to get to so I missed a day for that too.

When I asked them if they needed doctor's notes etc..they said "OH NO, we don't need those."

I am pissed off.

This is not good.

And it is not a good time to be looking for other work is it now?

FUCK THEM and their TWO FACEDness....

That is all for now...

the hen

One word....

One word....

PREGNANT


I am NOT yet pregnant.

But my sister is, again.

So happy for her.
So sad for me.

Hang on little soul of mine, we are coming to get you soon...

love,

your hen

Big pads, big dreams, big tears

I bought the biggest maxi pads I have ever seen in my life at CVS the other day. You know what, the days of trying to fit my big old whooha into the little thong size pantiliner sized maxi pads are OVER....AND TAMPONS...for get it. I want to see what is coming out of me. AND more importantly:

LET IS FLOW!

LET IT FLOW!

LET IT FLOW!

Yes, I am losing my mind. If I have to have a period while trying to conceive a child after a 1 week stint of follicle stimulating HENMONES...and LutHENizing HENMONES not to mention some prometriHEN then I WANT TO GO BIG....BIG PADS...BIG BOOBS... BIG MOOD SWINGS...BIG NEWS...on the horizon...

Yes, we go to the RE (reproductive endocrHENologist) on Thursday for an ULTRASOUND....To see if we can PROCEED....

IF not, then surgery. SURGERY..FUN....GET TO TAKE A DAY I GUESS...BUT W/O PAY....hmpf....

THEN we get to pay more money to get MORE HENMONES to shoot into my already confused as hell body. I still have like 2000 dollars of drugs in my refrigerator.

You know what...had we started when we planned to (WE DON"T NEED NO STINKING PLAN....DR. FrankHENstein the Reprodcutive endocrHENologist is in CHARGE...even he doesn't have a plan per se)...WE would have found out if we were PG already....or NOT...

I prefer the PG option....

Anyone?

CLUCK....

the hen herself