You know that old adage...becareful what you wish for b/c it might come true. Well, what is coming true for me isn't what I THOUGHT I was wishing for. I mean, what I wished for my whole life except for small moments of clarity, has NEVER been what I really wanted. It was always stuff that other people wanted for me. I lost the ability to think for myself and as much as I would love to blame that one someone, the time for blame is over. The things I try to hold on to the tightest as well as those things that I push away from me are things that were of MY wishing. And what I wish for now, I a mega major, hyperbolic change of mamouth proportions.
And when you wish for something, you need to be careful right? Because you might get it? There is a chance you might get it. There is a chance I might get it. I mean I didn't get to be a mom, not yet. And in my mind it is because in this current situation, as things are right now, I wouldn't be able to be the mom I want to me. My kid wouldn't grow up free from the mess of being bound up by other people's expectations and limitations. Don't I at least owe it to my kid, no matter how it comes, to let them experience life in a way I haven't yet?
I know this isn't the time in life to be making any sort of major decisions. We just lost a baby for crying out loud. It takes time to get over this right? Well, I will tell you what, I spent the better part of my adult life trying to get over something. Trying to get over moving as a kid, trying to get over my parent's divorce and relationship, trying to get over a lousy relationship in college, trying to get over not getting my degree as I should have done, trying to get over being in bad relationship after bad relationship. Blah blah blah blah.
Are you still with me? I don't care...
The truth is, I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. They can live their own life without me causing them to pause the spend one minute thinking about me outcomes. I mean really what a burden I am to them. They get to be free too to settle into their own lives without making pause to ponder my issues.
I know what you are thinking. I know you are probably thinking, OH MY GOD GET OVER THERE AND SEE WHAT IS GOING ON? ? ? SOMEONE...what a cry for help..blah blah blah...
THe more I stay here the more it is not clear ( I didn't say that) THe more I stay here the more I disappear. AS far as I have come to know what side I am on and now I am not so sure..THe line begins to blur...
There is something I should tell you and don't try to stop me. Because I am bound up enough by the messed up situations I find myself in time and time again because I follow other people's life plan. It isn't that probablyt it wasn't a good plan. Oh hell...it was a shitty plan. For me it sucked ass and the older I get, the more irritated I am by the fact that again, I BOUGHT INTO IT. HOOK LINE AND SINKER. Well maybe not that easily. Maybe the mental health issues, the numerous counselors, the time spent in stress centers, the medication all that was straining to get out of the expectations was all necessary but I AM DONE.
My husband and I are going to go to ALASKA. Where I get the feeling life will stop pushing on me and I can expand for one of the only times in my life.
Too bad...you don't get to decide this one and no one else gets to be involved in the decision except me and my husband. I couldn't do it without him and somewhere out there without the distraction of dissappointment, I can find out what I was supposed to be all along. You can get it, or not. I don't care.
And don't call me selfish. Cause the only selfish thing I have ever done is try to be what I was "supposed" to be and failed. And my failure doesn't even justify the effort I put forth. Because it is wasting time to keep on trying to be what I am absolutely NOT ever going to be. Not here at least.
When the noose comes off of my neck and I can breathe again like I want to...then, the pieces will fall into place. The dreams will come true. And the pressure relieved will make me see for the first time, the possibilities of me. The trappings of this life right now, obscure that very effort. I am tired. SO I am leaving.
Cluck...
And when you wish for something, you need to be careful right? Because you might get it? There is a chance you might get it. There is a chance I might get it. I mean I didn't get to be a mom, not yet. And in my mind it is because in this current situation, as things are right now, I wouldn't be able to be the mom I want to me. My kid wouldn't grow up free from the mess of being bound up by other people's expectations and limitations. Don't I at least owe it to my kid, no matter how it comes, to let them experience life in a way I haven't yet?
I know this isn't the time in life to be making any sort of major decisions. We just lost a baby for crying out loud. It takes time to get over this right? Well, I will tell you what, I spent the better part of my adult life trying to get over something. Trying to get over moving as a kid, trying to get over my parent's divorce and relationship, trying to get over a lousy relationship in college, trying to get over not getting my degree as I should have done, trying to get over being in bad relationship after bad relationship. Blah blah blah blah.
Are you still with me? I don't care...
The truth is, I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. They can live their own life without me causing them to pause the spend one minute thinking about me outcomes. I mean really what a burden I am to them. They get to be free too to settle into their own lives without making pause to ponder my issues.
I know what you are thinking. I know you are probably thinking, OH MY GOD GET OVER THERE AND SEE WHAT IS GOING ON? ? ? SOMEONE...what a cry for help..blah blah blah...
THe more I stay here the more it is not clear ( I didn't say that) THe more I stay here the more I disappear. AS far as I have come to know what side I am on and now I am not so sure..THe line begins to blur...
There is something I should tell you and don't try to stop me. Because I am bound up enough by the messed up situations I find myself in time and time again because I follow other people's life plan. It isn't that probablyt it wasn't a good plan. Oh hell...it was a shitty plan. For me it sucked ass and the older I get, the more irritated I am by the fact that again, I BOUGHT INTO IT. HOOK LINE AND SINKER. Well maybe not that easily. Maybe the mental health issues, the numerous counselors, the time spent in stress centers, the medication all that was straining to get out of the expectations was all necessary but I AM DONE.
My husband and I are going to go to ALASKA. Where I get the feeling life will stop pushing on me and I can expand for one of the only times in my life.
Too bad...you don't get to decide this one and no one else gets to be involved in the decision except me and my husband. I couldn't do it without him and somewhere out there without the distraction of dissappointment, I can find out what I was supposed to be all along. You can get it, or not. I don't care.
And don't call me selfish. Cause the only selfish thing I have ever done is try to be what I was "supposed" to be and failed. And my failure doesn't even justify the effort I put forth. Because it is wasting time to keep on trying to be what I am absolutely NOT ever going to be. Not here at least.
When the noose comes off of my neck and I can breathe again like I want to...then, the pieces will fall into place. The dreams will come true. And the pressure relieved will make me see for the first time, the possibilities of me. The trappings of this life right now, obscure that very effort. I am tired. SO I am leaving.
Cluck...
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