Someone push...I did the work now someone pull the trigger

Next....

Yes that is it.

I am ready for the next thing now. I can't be pregnant on my own unless something happens. Something big. And even if I never get pregnant, I can't stay like this. There is a storm a brewing here so to speak. I cannot believe how incredibly consumed with the bull shit of being infertile I become in all of this. I bought it hook line and sinker. I did exactly what I SWORE I would never do and that is become a lemming marking along to my own death. The infertility medical complex (read this like military industrial complex) sends out these messages to everyone everywhere that nothing is doable on your own anymore no matter what. So no matter what, you gotta spend the cash. Big money to be made in this mess. I don't buy it anymore.

My personal self worth is not determined by the number of offspring are living in my house hold that came out of my body NOW. People can keep on getting pregnant and having kids around me. I am proud and happy for them. I am. Especially when I get to hang out with the kids. But, pleeeeeeez....

Don't feel sorry for me.

Because my existance as a woman and a person is not bound up in my ability to make babies.

When I find my own voice and get my footing back, I don't know if people will necessarily recognize me.

Cluck....