Is the pain gone? and Oh my heart is broken....

I think and hope that the pain of the suck and chuck is gone. No pill poppin except for the obligatory Advil....

Had a fam damily gathering today. 4th of July and all. Babies and preggos abounding. Had to fight back the tears which caused me to be pukey. There is no balance. Didn't wan to upset the apple cart and honestly be upset. Afterall it has only been week since my baby bean was evacuated from my body. There is still so much to be sad about. And honestly, I don't think it is going away.

I think I need some time away from the fam. It isn't that they don't care. It is just that I am too prickley with heartbreak right now. Their concern is tempered by this restraint that doesn't really let me feel anything when I am with them. I don't get to feel sad when I am with them because that would cause them to break down their restraint and that is far more important than how I feel afterall. It is always that way. Always has been too.

But, I don't feel happy either. So I end up breaking down at home into a million pieces that takes me 3-4 days to recover from. It is like being a car and going to a demolition derby knowing full well you are going to get the crap beaten out of you on purpose and you go anyway. Someone will put you back together in time for the next time out.

I am sorry, I didn't get the memo...

Am I supposed to feel this way? Battered...Road worn...Apathetic....

Let's talk about this one...apathetic....

I don't care honestly about anything rigth now. I could sleep all day. And sometimes I do. I get glimmers of hope when someone calls for a job interview. But, that fades. When I realize it is job I don't really want to do afterall. I have not been eating well. OR right. Poppin all these pain pills...my god I am starting to feel like a junky. I hardly recognize myself right now.

And I miss my baby....

Loosing my baby has sucked all my inspiration, all my life right out of me. I miss my baby so much and I want my baby back inside my body. Knowding this won't can't happen...I am overcome with this awesome sense of loss. It sinks into to my bones, soaks my skin and tears at my soul...

that is all..i am tired....

cluck