Ok, so we live in Alaska and my husband is now working at this great new job. The great new job has money for infertility treatment. One whole treatment. We could afford it. We really could. But, we live in Alaska and there simply are not any real REs who practice IVF here. So what they heck do we need to do? I don't know. I hate it. Good lord. Be careful what you wish for huh?
cluck..happy clucking new year...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
What a slap in the face...today we bleed today is my birthday
Officially, I am past my fertile prime. Today. Right now. At this very crappy moment. And still I mourn. I can't have children. I won't probably have children in my life time. I will never see my dear husband's face in another person. And I will love a child. I will. But, I won't be pregnant and I won't be in labour and I won't...I won't know it.
Today is my 39th birthday. I should have stayed in bed. I am tired. Alaska is nice. Work is good. Life is fine. But babies are popping out all over the place. They should be popping out of me.
This would have been about almost 9 months. I would be heavy pregnant if I was pregnant. I am not. We all know that. But, I probably wouldn't be in Alaska if I was pregnant. I would probably be in a a very different place right now. Life would be very different. And that little part of me, big part of me inside that died when my baby died will never be again. And I am turning 39. And I got my period today. What a friggin slap in the face. I can't even get down and get a big O on today. We can't even afford to go out to dinner tonight.
Things are going well. My mom had her lung transplant. My sister in law is getting ready to have their second. I don't know, perhaps it is easier for them to see their lives laid out in front of them, my sister, my sister in law, even my mom b/c they have kids. What is going to make me get up in the morning when I am sick or sad? What am I going to have to live for when I am old? Who am I going to dream about at night or love on or be good for? Whose mom am I going to be ? Right now, honestly, no one's.
I am not ones mom. And I can get all strong and uppity about it. But, I am not.
I am turning 39 today. I feel old. My back is hurting. My neck is hurting. My joints feel old and rough. My eyes are darker now than they were at the beginning of the year. My heart, no matter how far I go, no matter how much I look to the sky for some sort of relief is broken. And Shattered. And I can't fix it. I just move on past it or try very hard to ignore the pain. People keep on having kids they don't want and I can't have the one I do. And now I am too old to even think about it.
I am being punished clearly this is all of my doing I think. There can be no other way around this situation no reason for so much pain. Right? Oh hell...still no one is going to send me a card when the unbirthday of my dream baby comes along and passes on by year after year after year after year.
I love you baby... and I miss you being here with me. There is so much I would like to show you and do w/ you. Wherever you are now, I wish you were here more with me and dad.
cluck
Today is my 39th birthday. I should have stayed in bed. I am tired. Alaska is nice. Work is good. Life is fine. But babies are popping out all over the place. They should be popping out of me.
This would have been about almost 9 months. I would be heavy pregnant if I was pregnant. I am not. We all know that. But, I probably wouldn't be in Alaska if I was pregnant. I would probably be in a a very different place right now. Life would be very different. And that little part of me, big part of me inside that died when my baby died will never be again. And I am turning 39. And I got my period today. What a friggin slap in the face. I can't even get down and get a big O on today. We can't even afford to go out to dinner tonight.
Things are going well. My mom had her lung transplant. My sister in law is getting ready to have their second. I don't know, perhaps it is easier for them to see their lives laid out in front of them, my sister, my sister in law, even my mom b/c they have kids. What is going to make me get up in the morning when I am sick or sad? What am I going to have to live for when I am old? Who am I going to dream about at night or love on or be good for? Whose mom am I going to be ? Right now, honestly, no one's.
I am not ones mom. And I can get all strong and uppity about it. But, I am not.
I am turning 39 today. I feel old. My back is hurting. My neck is hurting. My joints feel old and rough. My eyes are darker now than they were at the beginning of the year. My heart, no matter how far I go, no matter how much I look to the sky for some sort of relief is broken. And Shattered. And I can't fix it. I just move on past it or try very hard to ignore the pain. People keep on having kids they don't want and I can't have the one I do. And now I am too old to even think about it.
I am being punished clearly this is all of my doing I think. There can be no other way around this situation no reason for so much pain. Right? Oh hell...still no one is going to send me a card when the unbirthday of my dream baby comes along and passes on by year after year after year after year.
I love you baby... and I miss you being here with me. There is so much I would like to show you and do w/ you. Wherever you are now, I wish you were here more with me and dad.
cluck
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Terminal Velocity
I am struck by the idea that in order to make a clean break from something that exerts a strong enough pull on let's say...me...I need to get going at a fast enough rate of speed to break free from the influence of that very something.
I thought I was going fast enough. Until today when I realized indeed I was not reaching terminal velocity to break free of the mediocrity of being here. I was pulled back in. Time to get going again on the path because without enough speed to get away, I won't break clean. Something will be left behind. A piece of me that I don't want to abandon. And that doesn't work for me.
I need to speed out with my whole crew with me. My family so to speak. 3 dogs, 2 birds, 2 horses and husband. Everyone needs to be brought along. And what I realized also today was, I can't get up enough speed for everyone on my list...alone. I need help and my husband is that help.
I am leaving Indiana on Friday to fly to Alaska. I start my new job on Monday. The only things I am taking with me are clothes, a few books and my knitting. Everything else comes later. Which is so appropriate. Because to get to terminal velocity, I need all the carrying power I can muster. And right now, all I can muster is enough to get me gone...
Cluck....
I thought I was going fast enough. Until today when I realized indeed I was not reaching terminal velocity to break free of the mediocrity of being here. I was pulled back in. Time to get going again on the path because without enough speed to get away, I won't break clean. Something will be left behind. A piece of me that I don't want to abandon. And that doesn't work for me.
I need to speed out with my whole crew with me. My family so to speak. 3 dogs, 2 birds, 2 horses and husband. Everyone needs to be brought along. And what I realized also today was, I can't get up enough speed for everyone on my list...alone. I need help and my husband is that help.
I am leaving Indiana on Friday to fly to Alaska. I start my new job on Monday. The only things I am taking with me are clothes, a few books and my knitting. Everything else comes later. Which is so appropriate. Because to get to terminal velocity, I need all the carrying power I can muster. And right now, all I can muster is enough to get me gone...
Cluck....
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Getting ready to do the big deed!
Hello,
The hen reports that she and her dear husband are moving. To Alaska. Yes.
It is going to happen soon. Why? Because I got a job there. I don't know how i am going to tell anyone. I really don't. And honestly, when the words finally do come out of my big old mouth, I think I just won't care much what ppl think. Everyone needs to be happy. And I think I ascribe way to much meaning to my own happiness in relationship to what everyone else is doing with their own lives. I don't have that much power over anyone else's happiness right?
Oh, by the way...this was something we did that CAME EASY. TOO EASY really. So, in my mind, that sets it up this way at leastl;
It Makes it RIGHT.
How many times do you get to do something so brave and adventerous that you just want to sit back and watch but you know indeed that it is happening to you and not someone else? So, pull up a seat. I would if I were not me and going there myself. In the end, it will be far more interesting to be doing it than watching it. But, right now it seems awfully scary.
Nothing this year, that we have wanted to do came thing easily. Everything was wraught with failure, pain and disappointment. So, if you believe in the law of attraction, which I don't in its entirety..then this seemingly was meant to be for us. Right now. Right here!
So, here we go. No amount of planning can prepare me for this. But, this one thing alone makes it all worth while.
CLUCK ON IT!
Carla
The hen reports that she and her dear husband are moving. To Alaska. Yes.
It is going to happen soon. Why? Because I got a job there. I don't know how i am going to tell anyone. I really don't. And honestly, when the words finally do come out of my big old mouth, I think I just won't care much what ppl think. Everyone needs to be happy. And I think I ascribe way to much meaning to my own happiness in relationship to what everyone else is doing with their own lives. I don't have that much power over anyone else's happiness right?
Oh, by the way...this was something we did that CAME EASY. TOO EASY really. So, in my mind, that sets it up this way at leastl;
It Makes it RIGHT.
How many times do you get to do something so brave and adventerous that you just want to sit back and watch but you know indeed that it is happening to you and not someone else? So, pull up a seat. I would if I were not me and going there myself. In the end, it will be far more interesting to be doing it than watching it. But, right now it seems awfully scary.
Nothing this year, that we have wanted to do came thing easily. Everything was wraught with failure, pain and disappointment. So, if you believe in the law of attraction, which I don't in its entirety..then this seemingly was meant to be for us. Right now. Right here!
So, here we go. No amount of planning can prepare me for this. But, this one thing alone makes it all worth while.
CLUCK ON IT!
Carla
Thursday, August 14, 2008
We bleed
You know, I shared so much earlier in such a humour fashion even for me. And now, the mundane day to day life of being infertile just sort of takes over.
Until today.
Aunt FLO the real thing showed for the 1st time on her own accord since my miscarriage of justice.
I don't know when that was really without looking. Isn't that awful. It seems like eons ago but also like yesterday too.
Just what else...I am depressed..Yup...This is what happens. I take the drugs and they take the edge off. Yes they did.
It worked. YES IT DID! I must have dreampt this up just to hurt myself right? Because the wounds are still here. I ignore them better now, but they are still here.
I am exhausted beyond belief. The job I wanted badly in AK is gone now. That is ok, but we are still here.
I feel like I am in LIMBO waiting for something new to happen. So what happens, AUNT FUCKING FLO shows up to remind me that I am infertile. NO BABBY IN THERE moron.
Sigh
Fluck....
Until today.
Aunt FLO the real thing showed for the 1st time on her own accord since my miscarriage of justice.
I don't know when that was really without looking. Isn't that awful. It seems like eons ago but also like yesterday too.
Just what else...I am depressed..Yup...This is what happens. I take the drugs and they take the edge off. Yes they did.
It worked. YES IT DID! I must have dreampt this up just to hurt myself right? Because the wounds are still here. I ignore them better now, but they are still here.
I am exhausted beyond belief. The job I wanted badly in AK is gone now. That is ok, but we are still here.
I feel like I am in LIMBO waiting for something new to happen. So what happens, AUNT FUCKING FLO shows up to remind me that I am infertile. NO BABBY IN THERE moron.
Sigh
Fluck....
Sunday, August 3, 2008
What to do now about having a family?
You know, I still want a baby. And so does my husband. So what do we do?
I don't really know.
We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.
It seems like a viable solution.
Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.
And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.
We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.
That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.
But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.
I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...
Cluck...
I don't really know.
We batted around the idea of donor embryo. This is where the product of someone else's IVF is donated to someone like me to use. I don't know much about it. Or even if it is done where we live. Or if my RE does it at all.
It seems like a viable solution.
Still, my immediate family is expanding but my house is still empty.
And the longing is still there. It isn't really getting any better. I am just learning to cover it up and hide it better I think.
We live in suburban family land here. There are preggos and babies everywhere. Kids rule this town and we re sort of like the outcast. There is us and the old people. Either way, we don't fit in.
That doesn't bother me as much as this obvious daily reminder that I can't have kids of my own. And the clock is still ticking away.
But, either way, it is time to start looking into other options. At least to get some ideas.
I want my baby back. My baby. The one my husband and I made. That is too much to ask for isn't it? Oh, it is so sad. It makes me sad this longing. Oh well...
Cluck...
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Turn off the lights, turn off the water, turn it all off
Guess what? I am financially in ruins. Student loans, hosptial bills from the IVF treatments, bills like utility bills we have not paid since we moved in (let's see that has been 4 months now. Yea. And to top it off, we bounced an asshouse of checks this weekend. Robbing peter to pay paul bit use in the ass. Big time. To the tune of hundreds of dollars. It is amazing. I think this year we have bounced enough checks to equal an entire month's pay check.
Now trust me when I tell you that I don't spend money on anything but food and gas. I don't even spend money on gas. I personally haven't driven my car in several weeks. Why bother right? No place to go.
And now, we have car registration due. I don't know is going on. It isn't the bank's fault. Clearly.
No one is opening bills but me. Why is that?
I think I have an ulcer. I don't sleep anymore. I had a granmal panic attack today that sent me to call my folks. My dad ended up going to get my antidepressant that I stopped taking on Sunday b/c we were bouncing checks so badly of course we couldn't afford it. You know what it ended up costing after all? .70 cents. Yup. Well I don't sleep anymore. And no amount of sleeping pills is going to help it at this point. All I want to do is sleep all day. So I do. And then at night I can't and don't want to sleep. No one calls at night. I don't need to talk to anyone.
How can I even thinking of moving on in the world when my financial situation and the lack of control I feel over it is making me sick?
Someone, an answer please.
Now trust me when I tell you that I don't spend money on anything but food and gas. I don't even spend money on gas. I personally haven't driven my car in several weeks. Why bother right? No place to go.
And now, we have car registration due. I don't know is going on. It isn't the bank's fault. Clearly.
No one is opening bills but me. Why is that?
I think I have an ulcer. I don't sleep anymore. I had a granmal panic attack today that sent me to call my folks. My dad ended up going to get my antidepressant that I stopped taking on Sunday b/c we were bouncing checks so badly of course we couldn't afford it. You know what it ended up costing after all? .70 cents. Yup. Well I don't sleep anymore. And no amount of sleeping pills is going to help it at this point. All I want to do is sleep all day. So I do. And then at night I can't and don't want to sleep. No one calls at night. I don't need to talk to anyone.
How can I even thinking of moving on in the world when my financial situation and the lack of control I feel over it is making me sick?
Someone, an answer please.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Be careful what you wish for...
You know that old adage...becareful what you wish for b/c it might come true. Well, what is coming true for me isn't what I THOUGHT I was wishing for. I mean, what I wished for my whole life except for small moments of clarity, has NEVER been what I really wanted. It was always stuff that other people wanted for me. I lost the ability to think for myself and as much as I would love to blame that one someone, the time for blame is over. The things I try to hold on to the tightest as well as those things that I push away from me are things that were of MY wishing. And what I wish for now, I a mega major, hyperbolic change of mamouth proportions.
And when you wish for something, you need to be careful right? Because you might get it? There is a chance you might get it. There is a chance I might get it. I mean I didn't get to be a mom, not yet. And in my mind it is because in this current situation, as things are right now, I wouldn't be able to be the mom I want to me. My kid wouldn't grow up free from the mess of being bound up by other people's expectations and limitations. Don't I at least owe it to my kid, no matter how it comes, to let them experience life in a way I haven't yet?
I know this isn't the time in life to be making any sort of major decisions. We just lost a baby for crying out loud. It takes time to get over this right? Well, I will tell you what, I spent the better part of my adult life trying to get over something. Trying to get over moving as a kid, trying to get over my parent's divorce and relationship, trying to get over a lousy relationship in college, trying to get over not getting my degree as I should have done, trying to get over being in bad relationship after bad relationship. Blah blah blah blah.
Are you still with me? I don't care...
The truth is, I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. They can live their own life without me causing them to pause the spend one minute thinking about me outcomes. I mean really what a burden I am to them. They get to be free too to settle into their own lives without making pause to ponder my issues.
I know what you are thinking. I know you are probably thinking, OH MY GOD GET OVER THERE AND SEE WHAT IS GOING ON? ? ? SOMEONE...what a cry for help..blah blah blah...
THe more I stay here the more it is not clear ( I didn't say that) THe more I stay here the more I disappear. AS far as I have come to know what side I am on and now I am not so sure..THe line begins to blur...
There is something I should tell you and don't try to stop me. Because I am bound up enough by the messed up situations I find myself in time and time again because I follow other people's life plan. It isn't that probablyt it wasn't a good plan. Oh hell...it was a shitty plan. For me it sucked ass and the older I get, the more irritated I am by the fact that again, I BOUGHT INTO IT. HOOK LINE AND SINKER. Well maybe not that easily. Maybe the mental health issues, the numerous counselors, the time spent in stress centers, the medication all that was straining to get out of the expectations was all necessary but I AM DONE.
My husband and I are going to go to ALASKA. Where I get the feeling life will stop pushing on me and I can expand for one of the only times in my life.
Too bad...you don't get to decide this one and no one else gets to be involved in the decision except me and my husband. I couldn't do it without him and somewhere out there without the distraction of dissappointment, I can find out what I was supposed to be all along. You can get it, or not. I don't care.
And don't call me selfish. Cause the only selfish thing I have ever done is try to be what I was "supposed" to be and failed. And my failure doesn't even justify the effort I put forth. Because it is wasting time to keep on trying to be what I am absolutely NOT ever going to be. Not here at least.
When the noose comes off of my neck and I can breathe again like I want to...then, the pieces will fall into place. The dreams will come true. And the pressure relieved will make me see for the first time, the possibilities of me. The trappings of this life right now, obscure that very effort. I am tired. SO I am leaving.
Cluck...
And when you wish for something, you need to be careful right? Because you might get it? There is a chance you might get it. There is a chance I might get it. I mean I didn't get to be a mom, not yet. And in my mind it is because in this current situation, as things are right now, I wouldn't be able to be the mom I want to me. My kid wouldn't grow up free from the mess of being bound up by other people's expectations and limitations. Don't I at least owe it to my kid, no matter how it comes, to let them experience life in a way I haven't yet?
I know this isn't the time in life to be making any sort of major decisions. We just lost a baby for crying out loud. It takes time to get over this right? Well, I will tell you what, I spent the better part of my adult life trying to get over something. Trying to get over moving as a kid, trying to get over my parent's divorce and relationship, trying to get over a lousy relationship in college, trying to get over not getting my degree as I should have done, trying to get over being in bad relationship after bad relationship. Blah blah blah blah.
Are you still with me? I don't care...
The truth is, I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. They can live their own life without me causing them to pause the spend one minute thinking about me outcomes. I mean really what a burden I am to them. They get to be free too to settle into their own lives without making pause to ponder my issues.
I know what you are thinking. I know you are probably thinking, OH MY GOD GET OVER THERE AND SEE WHAT IS GOING ON? ? ? SOMEONE...what a cry for help..blah blah blah...
THe more I stay here the more it is not clear ( I didn't say that) THe more I stay here the more I disappear. AS far as I have come to know what side I am on and now I am not so sure..THe line begins to blur...
There is something I should tell you and don't try to stop me. Because I am bound up enough by the messed up situations I find myself in time and time again because I follow other people's life plan. It isn't that probablyt it wasn't a good plan. Oh hell...it was a shitty plan. For me it sucked ass and the older I get, the more irritated I am by the fact that again, I BOUGHT INTO IT. HOOK LINE AND SINKER. Well maybe not that easily. Maybe the mental health issues, the numerous counselors, the time spent in stress centers, the medication all that was straining to get out of the expectations was all necessary but I AM DONE.
My husband and I are going to go to ALASKA. Where I get the feeling life will stop pushing on me and I can expand for one of the only times in my life.
Too bad...you don't get to decide this one and no one else gets to be involved in the decision except me and my husband. I couldn't do it without him and somewhere out there without the distraction of dissappointment, I can find out what I was supposed to be all along. You can get it, or not. I don't care.
And don't call me selfish. Cause the only selfish thing I have ever done is try to be what I was "supposed" to be and failed. And my failure doesn't even justify the effort I put forth. Because it is wasting time to keep on trying to be what I am absolutely NOT ever going to be. Not here at least.
When the noose comes off of my neck and I can breathe again like I want to...then, the pieces will fall into place. The dreams will come true. And the pressure relieved will make me see for the first time, the possibilities of me. The trappings of this life right now, obscure that very effort. I am tired. SO I am leaving.
Cluck...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Someone push...I did the work now someone pull the trigger
Next....
Yes that is it.
I am ready for the next thing now. I can't be pregnant on my own unless something happens. Something big. And even if I never get pregnant, I can't stay like this. There is a storm a brewing here so to speak. I cannot believe how incredibly consumed with the bull shit of being infertile I become in all of this. I bought it hook line and sinker. I did exactly what I SWORE I would never do and that is become a lemming marking along to my own death. The infertility medical complex (read this like military industrial complex) sends out these messages to everyone everywhere that nothing is doable on your own anymore no matter what. So no matter what, you gotta spend the cash. Big money to be made in this mess. I don't buy it anymore.
My personal self worth is not determined by the number of offspring are living in my house hold that came out of my body NOW. People can keep on getting pregnant and having kids around me. I am proud and happy for them. I am. Especially when I get to hang out with the kids. But, pleeeeeeez....
Don't feel sorry for me.
Because my existance as a woman and a person is not bound up in my ability to make babies.
When I find my own voice and get my footing back, I don't know if people will necessarily recognize me.
Cluck....
Yes that is it.
I am ready for the next thing now. I can't be pregnant on my own unless something happens. Something big. And even if I never get pregnant, I can't stay like this. There is a storm a brewing here so to speak. I cannot believe how incredibly consumed with the bull shit of being infertile I become in all of this. I bought it hook line and sinker. I did exactly what I SWORE I would never do and that is become a lemming marking along to my own death. The infertility medical complex (read this like military industrial complex) sends out these messages to everyone everywhere that nothing is doable on your own anymore no matter what. So no matter what, you gotta spend the cash. Big money to be made in this mess. I don't buy it anymore.
My personal self worth is not determined by the number of offspring are living in my house hold that came out of my body NOW. People can keep on getting pregnant and having kids around me. I am proud and happy for them. I am. Especially when I get to hang out with the kids. But, pleeeeeeez....
Don't feel sorry for me.
Because my existance as a woman and a person is not bound up in my ability to make babies.
When I find my own voice and get my footing back, I don't know if people will necessarily recognize me.
Cluck....
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Beat me about the head
Why not? Why not black eyes and bruises? Why not veins laid open and scars that people can see. As it stands now, I feel as if I have been beat about the head. I can hardly see.
You see, I am trying really hard to make that stand. To take my life back. And along the way, during the past several months, well, things were pushed aside. Life passed me by. The other day I noticed these HUGE zucchini plants in my neighbor's flower beds. I don't know when they got there. I really don't. Did she plant them yesterday? Or have they been growing all along and I didn't notice until the other day? Honestly. I think life is moving along. Like it always does. And I am left here. Stuck.
When I try to unstick myself. Other's desires to stay stuck or push back...are amplified. I can't move myself. What makes others think I should be responsible for them too? I am not a mother. Not to anyone. And I Can't take the burden of having to say it all. Take control because the people I count on the most choose not to be in control. I needed them. And I have felt so alone. Now that I am trying to find myself again, I realize how left down I am by everyone around me. Didn't they see it? Or did they choose not to. Oh wait, I know! They choose to see what suited them. Even those closest to me.
I am so tired. Once again of trying to push and pull and cajole people into being on MY SIDE throughout this.
You see, I am trying really hard to make that stand. To take my life back. And along the way, during the past several months, well, things were pushed aside. Life passed me by. The other day I noticed these HUGE zucchini plants in my neighbor's flower beds. I don't know when they got there. I really don't. Did she plant them yesterday? Or have they been growing all along and I didn't notice until the other day? Honestly. I think life is moving along. Like it always does. And I am left here. Stuck.
When I try to unstick myself. Other's desires to stay stuck or push back...are amplified. I can't move myself. What makes others think I should be responsible for them too? I am not a mother. Not to anyone. And I Can't take the burden of having to say it all. Take control because the people I count on the most choose not to be in control. I needed them. And I have felt so alone. Now that I am trying to find myself again, I realize how left down I am by everyone around me. Didn't they see it? Or did they choose not to. Oh wait, I know! They choose to see what suited them. Even those closest to me.
I am so tired. Once again of trying to push and pull and cajole people into being on MY SIDE throughout this.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The selfishness of childlessness
The selfishness of living child free is punctuated for me by the fact that I played the Wall-E video game last night until the sun came up and slept today until 4:00 pm.
It is sunday, I suppose that is ok? Right?
Now, I am picking through some leftovers trying to find something good to eat and thawing some frozen pad thai in case nothing else looks good.
I feel so selfish. It is how it feels.
Still have not been back to the doctor's office. I don't want to be told anything I don't already know, sense or choose to avoid.
Infertility SUCKS....Ass
it does
cluck
It is sunday, I suppose that is ok? Right?
Now, I am picking through some leftovers trying to find something good to eat and thawing some frozen pad thai in case nothing else looks good.
I feel so selfish. It is how it feels.
Still have not been back to the doctor's office. I don't want to be told anything I don't already know, sense or choose to avoid.
Infertility SUCKS....Ass
it does
cluck
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Ghosts and seeing until the end
I think I have pink eye. Pink I.
I need to get my life back. Now I Can't see straight which seems fitting since I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know who I am anymore.
Nothing makes sense to me and I don't want it to anymore. I just want my life back. I don't know who I am. And I Don't want to know. I just want a new me.
No one can get close to me. Because I am as vacant and vapid as the air that surrounds me. Nothing bounces off me, it just goes through me and changes me as it goes. Nice thought huh? to be completely permeable by anything that wants to enter and exit on its own time and need?
My heart is broken in a million pieces. My life consumed by the lack of....anything meaningful left. Nothing exists for me right now. Just this painful pit of crap and bile that just won't stop burning me.
Everyone gets to decide what happens to me and in the end I lost control a long long time ago I just didn't know it.
I am sorry if none of this is making sense. Honestly I am.
I have been listening to NIN Ghost release tonight which is like a serious stream of consciousness string of music. I feel like I am riding it. The music and it sort of compels me to feel or write whatever it is I touch on in my thoughts.
I want my life back and I can't seem to get the strenght together to try to make a stand. To defend myself would be like trying to overcome a great barrier without knowing where it is or how big it is. I am living rather blindly and uninspired now since the loss of our baby. It is like when it left, I left too. It was all I wanted and all I had for those few weeks that actually made sense in my whole life. Ridiculous I know. I think I am too sensitive. Too Tender to be allowed to continue living.
Whenever I feel something, I feel it so intensely. When something touches me now, it touches me so incredibly, so deeply. Sometimes I lay in bed thinking of each thing that I can in turn until it hurts then I move on to the next thing. And when I think I can't take even another second of the sorrow or pain...I think of the loss of our baby. And I think hard on it. I let the loss tear at my skin and rip open and out my heart. And then, I empty my brain and the nothingness of the torn flesh and destroyed soul just bleeds and puts me to sleep.
I like the activity of making it hurt. So badly, in progression so that I feel each level like I am supposed to. I let the death of a friend, the loss of a pet, or the destruction something open up and burn. I carefully choose each thought for its precise ability to bring about the next level of pain. There are not random thoughts when I am practicing this mental exercise. Torture really but I works well for me I think. I makes me feel it all. Without anyone else telling me how I should feel. Especially the loss of our baby. I want to hover in that pain. I don't want anyone else telling me how I should feel about it. I want to be consumed by it. The loss, the panic. the saddness, the fear, the lonliness. All of it. Each in turn. Piece by piece. Bit by bit. Not all at once. Not like it was a week ago. But, incrementally. I want to go deep and see how close to the bottom of the feelings I can get.
This is sickness I know. There isn't anything to replace this activity right now. I just want to feel it all. Each pin prick and each heart break. Each piece of my life falling away. Until there is simply nothing left to feel. Nothing left. Nothing.
God Help me. I miss my baby.
I need to get my life back. Now I Can't see straight which seems fitting since I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know who I am anymore.
Nothing makes sense to me and I don't want it to anymore. I just want my life back. I don't know who I am. And I Don't want to know. I just want a new me.
No one can get close to me. Because I am as vacant and vapid as the air that surrounds me. Nothing bounces off me, it just goes through me and changes me as it goes. Nice thought huh? to be completely permeable by anything that wants to enter and exit on its own time and need?
My heart is broken in a million pieces. My life consumed by the lack of....anything meaningful left. Nothing exists for me right now. Just this painful pit of crap and bile that just won't stop burning me.
Everyone gets to decide what happens to me and in the end I lost control a long long time ago I just didn't know it.
I am sorry if none of this is making sense. Honestly I am.
I have been listening to NIN Ghost release tonight which is like a serious stream of consciousness string of music. I feel like I am riding it. The music and it sort of compels me to feel or write whatever it is I touch on in my thoughts.
I want my life back and I can't seem to get the strenght together to try to make a stand. To defend myself would be like trying to overcome a great barrier without knowing where it is or how big it is. I am living rather blindly and uninspired now since the loss of our baby. It is like when it left, I left too. It was all I wanted and all I had for those few weeks that actually made sense in my whole life. Ridiculous I know. I think I am too sensitive. Too Tender to be allowed to continue living.
Whenever I feel something, I feel it so intensely. When something touches me now, it touches me so incredibly, so deeply. Sometimes I lay in bed thinking of each thing that I can in turn until it hurts then I move on to the next thing. And when I think I can't take even another second of the sorrow or pain...I think of the loss of our baby. And I think hard on it. I let the loss tear at my skin and rip open and out my heart. And then, I empty my brain and the nothingness of the torn flesh and destroyed soul just bleeds and puts me to sleep.
I like the activity of making it hurt. So badly, in progression so that I feel each level like I am supposed to. I let the death of a friend, the loss of a pet, or the destruction something open up and burn. I carefully choose each thought for its precise ability to bring about the next level of pain. There are not random thoughts when I am practicing this mental exercise. Torture really but I works well for me I think. I makes me feel it all. Without anyone else telling me how I should feel. Especially the loss of our baby. I want to hover in that pain. I don't want anyone else telling me how I should feel about it. I want to be consumed by it. The loss, the panic. the saddness, the fear, the lonliness. All of it. Each in turn. Piece by piece. Bit by bit. Not all at once. Not like it was a week ago. But, incrementally. I want to go deep and see how close to the bottom of the feelings I can get.
This is sickness I know. There isn't anything to replace this activity right now. I just want to feel it all. Each pin prick and each heart break. Each piece of my life falling away. Until there is simply nothing left to feel. Nothing left. Nothing.
God Help me. I miss my baby.
Monday, July 14, 2008
What consumes me at the moment...Money problems
IVF wasted us financially. I lost 2 jobs over it. Spent 3 months in an outpatient mental health program. And now am unemployed. I was under employed at the last job I held and missed so much work w/o ANY pay. We are so behind on bills it is scary. I hate it. And still no baby.
I don't see any end to this problematic existance. I am so numb. Honestly. I feel numb. A little bit of stress now and again but even driving in the car today to put my unemployment money in the bank, I felt it. Numb. In a haze. Like life is passing me by.
I don't see any end to this problematic existance. I am so numb. Honestly. I feel numb. A little bit of stress now and again but even driving in the car today to put my unemployment money in the bank, I felt it. Numb. In a haze. Like life is passing me by.
Pregnant again
No, not me.
My sister in law this time. Is pregnant.
My sister is due in Aug. (her 2nd)
And NOW.....
My sister in law is due in February. Her second also.
Around the time we would have been due had it stuck around.
They both conceived about 1 year after their 1st one was born. Nice for them huh?
Can I leave the country now?
Why me?
So happy for them.
So sad for me.
Holidays will be fun this year.
Feeling so depleted. So defelated.
Feel like I am being beaten around the head. Slapped silly. (is That even possible).
I guess they were anxious about telling us.
They needed to be.
As if we were the infertile problem. The white elephant in the room. The moose on the table. The BIG RED TRUCK SO TO SPEAK.
Avoidance. Dispair. Mistaken. Envious.
Both DH and I feel bad we are so anger at them for being able to conceive so EASILY>
WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR US?
It isn't getting better. ONly worse.
Can We leave the country now?
I think I might.
CLUCK
My sister in law this time. Is pregnant.
My sister is due in Aug. (her 2nd)
And NOW.....
My sister in law is due in February. Her second also.
Around the time we would have been due had it stuck around.
They both conceived about 1 year after their 1st one was born. Nice for them huh?
Can I leave the country now?
Why me?
So happy for them.
So sad for me.
Holidays will be fun this year.
Feeling so depleted. So defelated.
Feel like I am being beaten around the head. Slapped silly. (is That even possible).
I guess they were anxious about telling us.
They needed to be.
As if we were the infertile problem. The white elephant in the room. The moose on the table. The BIG RED TRUCK SO TO SPEAK.
Avoidance. Dispair. Mistaken. Envious.
Both DH and I feel bad we are so anger at them for being able to conceive so EASILY>
WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR US?
It isn't getting better. ONly worse.
Can We leave the country now?
I think I might.
CLUCK
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile - or sick and tired of being sick and tired
I am sick and tired.
Honestly. There is nothing I would rather be than not sick and tired.
There simply is not enough life left in me to be partial to doing much of anything right now and I gotta tell you this is rather scarey. To me at least.
Infertility is the well, the worst thing that I ever encountered in my whole stinking life. I mean, really.
The range of emotions is incredible. The amount of lack of control one feels is startling and unnerving to even the strongest of persons.
The strain it puts on my relationship with my husband is incredible. I mean, what else could it do to me that would be worse than not being able to have a baby than ending my marriage. It hasn't yet done it, but by God it was pushing on the envelope of tolerance pretty well.
I can't explain in words the sadness I feel. There isn't anything else I feel at the moment. Thank God. Because the anger is so stifling.
The sadness at least just drives me into the ground, or rather into bed to sleep it off.
The frustration well, that was the worst emotion of them all. The frustration of not being able to do anything else. We were relaxed. We were in good health. We did everything right to the number and the letter just like we were told and still NOTHING and no hope left and
NO FRIGGING MONEY LEFT.
The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile is like a shroud that you carry with you for the rest of your life.
Time has passed me by. I am done with my fertile years I am told. Too old. Too this too that but still no answers. Is age the only issue? Then why try at all? Why do it to being with? Why do IVF/ICSI without hope?
I read some entries from my journal this past December. When we were still in the early testing phases of this go around. I was so hopeful. I was so full of anticipation and that energy, if I Remember correctly was so positive and honest. And then, nothingness. It went from trying to nothingness. From positive and hopeful despite all of our setbacks, pain, loneliness, trials, losses and right up until the end...we had it, that wishful, honest hope that only comes from desperation I think now on it.
Desperation is a feeling that I think few people really get and the saddest thing is, there is medicine and medical practice in the world today in so many ways that breeds from people's desperation. I know I was played. I got it hook line and sinker. I was desperate, still am really, and I would do just about anything, no I would have done ANYTHING and probably still would to be able to have a baby of our own.
I walked, willingly through the GATES of HELL.
I am not kidding.
It hurt.
It really hurt, physically so painful.
I am not a whiner nor a weakling. Not that I should even have to justify it in any way but I feel I do.
Just lie still.
Just don't move around.
Take your narcotics and stop calling now.
That is what I got.
What type of medicine assumes as much as this type does?
Let's just assume that her pain is from this or that or whatever? That is how it seemed to me. So many assumptions.
Emptiness is another so stifling emotion.
OH my god I feel so drained. So empty now.
The chances are what now?
What are my chances assuming my husband and I just go back to trying ourselves? I can't even imagine.
I mean, first of all, we bought, hook line and sinker the diagnosis of infertile didn't we? SO, how can we go back to just being a couple trying on our own. That harbours even more emptiness for me in the end because we already bought (literally) our diagnosis.
Without anymore chances, how can we hope for a better outcome than what we already experienced?
Anyone?
Anyone have any answers to this?
Come on, someone try?
Answer people get this ok?This is not GOD"S FRIGGIN PLAN FOR ME! This is not for the best and it is most certainly NOT SOMETHING I CAN JUST GET OVER....I hate this, you hate it too for me I imagine but in the end it is something that I HAVE>>>>>>>>>Plain and simple.
Do you know how badly we want a baby?
I didn't know how badly I really wanted a family until I couldn't have one of my own. I want to know why this is happening to us! More than anything, I want to know why this is happening to us. My husband and I are good, hardworking people.
I simply cannot imagine my life with this overbearing shadow of a miscalculation in timing, process, and medicine. I did everything right didn't I? I didn't marry a jackass of a man just to have kids? I knew waiting was the right thing.
SO Why am I BEING PUNISHED LIKE THIS? ? ??? ?
Ok, so life isn't fair. I get that. I do. But, just this once, this one thing, this one BIG thing, I would like to catch a break on....PLEASE! And my husband, he is younger than I am. He could, well there are a lot of "he could have" out there...I shudder to think. I know the truth is that we both carry this burden with us. And without it, we would have a baby on the way right? ? ?? ?
cluck...
Honestly. There is nothing I would rather be than not sick and tired.
There simply is not enough life left in me to be partial to doing much of anything right now and I gotta tell you this is rather scarey. To me at least.
Infertility is the well, the worst thing that I ever encountered in my whole stinking life. I mean, really.
The range of emotions is incredible. The amount of lack of control one feels is startling and unnerving to even the strongest of persons.
The strain it puts on my relationship with my husband is incredible. I mean, what else could it do to me that would be worse than not being able to have a baby than ending my marriage. It hasn't yet done it, but by God it was pushing on the envelope of tolerance pretty well.
I can't explain in words the sadness I feel. There isn't anything else I feel at the moment. Thank God. Because the anger is so stifling.
The sadness at least just drives me into the ground, or rather into bed to sleep it off.
The frustration well, that was the worst emotion of them all. The frustration of not being able to do anything else. We were relaxed. We were in good health. We did everything right to the number and the letter just like we were told and still NOTHING and no hope left and
NO FRIGGING MONEY LEFT.
The nothingness of being proclaimed infertile is like a shroud that you carry with you for the rest of your life.
Time has passed me by. I am done with my fertile years I am told. Too old. Too this too that but still no answers. Is age the only issue? Then why try at all? Why do it to being with? Why do IVF/ICSI without hope?
I read some entries from my journal this past December. When we were still in the early testing phases of this go around. I was so hopeful. I was so full of anticipation and that energy, if I Remember correctly was so positive and honest. And then, nothingness. It went from trying to nothingness. From positive and hopeful despite all of our setbacks, pain, loneliness, trials, losses and right up until the end...we had it, that wishful, honest hope that only comes from desperation I think now on it.
Desperation is a feeling that I think few people really get and the saddest thing is, there is medicine and medical practice in the world today in so many ways that breeds from people's desperation. I know I was played. I got it hook line and sinker. I was desperate, still am really, and I would do just about anything, no I would have done ANYTHING and probably still would to be able to have a baby of our own.
I walked, willingly through the GATES of HELL.
I am not kidding.
It hurt.
It really hurt, physically so painful.
I am not a whiner nor a weakling. Not that I should even have to justify it in any way but I feel I do.
Just lie still.
Just don't move around.
Take your narcotics and stop calling now.
That is what I got.
What type of medicine assumes as much as this type does?
Let's just assume that her pain is from this or that or whatever? That is how it seemed to me. So many assumptions.
Emptiness is another so stifling emotion.
OH my god I feel so drained. So empty now.
The chances are what now?
What are my chances assuming my husband and I just go back to trying ourselves? I can't even imagine.
I mean, first of all, we bought, hook line and sinker the diagnosis of infertile didn't we? SO, how can we go back to just being a couple trying on our own. That harbours even more emptiness for me in the end because we already bought (literally) our diagnosis.
Without anymore chances, how can we hope for a better outcome than what we already experienced?
Anyone?
Anyone have any answers to this?
Come on, someone try?
Answer people get this ok?This is not GOD"S FRIGGIN PLAN FOR ME! This is not for the best and it is most certainly NOT SOMETHING I CAN JUST GET OVER....I hate this, you hate it too for me I imagine but in the end it is something that I HAVE>>>>>>>>>Plain and simple.
Do you know how badly we want a baby?
I didn't know how badly I really wanted a family until I couldn't have one of my own. I want to know why this is happening to us! More than anything, I want to know why this is happening to us. My husband and I are good, hardworking people.
I simply cannot imagine my life with this overbearing shadow of a miscalculation in timing, process, and medicine. I did everything right didn't I? I didn't marry a jackass of a man just to have kids? I knew waiting was the right thing.
SO Why am I BEING PUNISHED LIKE THIS? ? ??? ?
Ok, so life isn't fair. I get that. I do. But, just this once, this one thing, this one BIG thing, I would like to catch a break on....PLEASE! And my husband, he is younger than I am. He could, well there are a lot of "he could have" out there...I shudder to think. I know the truth is that we both carry this burden with us. And without it, we would have a baby on the way right? ? ?? ?
cluck...
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
When I was a kid....
Ok...I get it now...the reverb of "when I was a kid.................Blank" is finally coming clear to me.
To recap....all last week, in my drug induced stupor, I kept repeating the phrase, without any encouragement, "When I Was a kid......" THe idea being that I Would complete the sentence and have a conversation at least with my self about...well, myself.
So here we go....My list of completion of "When I was a kid......................
When I Was a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted to take care of animals of all kinds. But, then this butt head of an algebra teacher, no it was geometry, talked me out of this goal..WHen I was a kid I was very impressionable and I wanted to be noticed for good not bad. And this jack hole decided it would be fun to put the ppl w/ the lowest grades on any given day in the front row and sit the rest of the class according to grades...I was always in the last seat. I never took math again. NO vet school for me.
When I Was a kid my parents stepped out with the boat drifting along. No one was steering the boat when I was a kid. Sure, we had food, we had a house etc. But, no one was paying attention. Not to me at least, perhaps to my sister's friends but not me.
When I was a kid, I got stood up for prom. Yes. I had the cutest dress and really really liked my date. I think was his name...nope can't remember it. He told me the only reason I was dating him was so I would have a date for the prom. I wasn't the hottest girl in school, but I didn't appreciate that much at all. Remember, when I Was a kid I Was very impressionable. I was wounded for life after that.
When I was a kid, felt invisible. Not only to myself but to others. Too deep to go into here.
When I Was a kid, I didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't have sex, hell, I didn't even kiss a boy until I was almost graduated from HS.
When I was a kid, I thought I was fat. HA!
So, there we go, there is some thoughts for you there.....and for me there.
CLuck....
To recap....all last week, in my drug induced stupor, I kept repeating the phrase, without any encouragement, "When I Was a kid......" THe idea being that I Would complete the sentence and have a conversation at least with my self about...well, myself.
So here we go....My list of completion of "When I was a kid......................
When I Was a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted to take care of animals of all kinds. But, then this butt head of an algebra teacher, no it was geometry, talked me out of this goal..WHen I was a kid I was very impressionable and I wanted to be noticed for good not bad. And this jack hole decided it would be fun to put the ppl w/ the lowest grades on any given day in the front row and sit the rest of the class according to grades...I was always in the last seat. I never took math again. NO vet school for me.
When I Was a kid my parents stepped out with the boat drifting along. No one was steering the boat when I was a kid. Sure, we had food, we had a house etc. But, no one was paying attention. Not to me at least, perhaps to my sister's friends but not me.
When I was a kid, I got stood up for prom. Yes. I had the cutest dress and really really liked my date. I think was his name...nope can't remember it. He told me the only reason I was dating him was so I would have a date for the prom. I wasn't the hottest girl in school, but I didn't appreciate that much at all. Remember, when I Was a kid I Was very impressionable. I was wounded for life after that.
When I was a kid, felt invisible. Not only to myself but to others. Too deep to go into here.
When I Was a kid, I didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't have sex, hell, I didn't even kiss a boy until I was almost graduated from HS.
When I was a kid, I thought I was fat. HA!
So, there we go, there is some thoughts for you there.....and for me there.
CLuck....
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Is the pain gone? and Oh my heart is broken....
I think and hope that the pain of the suck and chuck is gone. No pill poppin except for the obligatory Advil....
Had a fam damily gathering today. 4th of July and all. Babies and preggos abounding. Had to fight back the tears which caused me to be pukey. There is no balance. Didn't wan to upset the apple cart and honestly be upset. Afterall it has only been week since my baby bean was evacuated from my body. There is still so much to be sad about. And honestly, I don't think it is going away.
I think I need some time away from the fam. It isn't that they don't care. It is just that I am too prickley with heartbreak right now. Their concern is tempered by this restraint that doesn't really let me feel anything when I am with them. I don't get to feel sad when I am with them because that would cause them to break down their restraint and that is far more important than how I feel afterall. It is always that way. Always has been too.
But, I don't feel happy either. So I end up breaking down at home into a million pieces that takes me 3-4 days to recover from. It is like being a car and going to a demolition derby knowing full well you are going to get the crap beaten out of you on purpose and you go anyway. Someone will put you back together in time for the next time out.
I am sorry, I didn't get the memo...
Am I supposed to feel this way? Battered...Road worn...Apathetic....
Let's talk about this one...apathetic....
I don't care honestly about anything rigth now. I could sleep all day. And sometimes I do. I get glimmers of hope when someone calls for a job interview. But, that fades. When I realize it is job I don't really want to do afterall. I have not been eating well. OR right. Poppin all these pain pills...my god I am starting to feel like a junky. I hardly recognize myself right now.
And I miss my baby....
Loosing my baby has sucked all my inspiration, all my life right out of me. I miss my baby so much and I want my baby back inside my body. Knowding this won't can't happen...I am overcome with this awesome sense of loss. It sinks into to my bones, soaks my skin and tears at my soul...
that is all..i am tired....
cluck
Had a fam damily gathering today. 4th of July and all. Babies and preggos abounding. Had to fight back the tears which caused me to be pukey. There is no balance. Didn't wan to upset the apple cart and honestly be upset. Afterall it has only been week since my baby bean was evacuated from my body. There is still so much to be sad about. And honestly, I don't think it is going away.
I think I need some time away from the fam. It isn't that they don't care. It is just that I am too prickley with heartbreak right now. Their concern is tempered by this restraint that doesn't really let me feel anything when I am with them. I don't get to feel sad when I am with them because that would cause them to break down their restraint and that is far more important than how I feel afterall. It is always that way. Always has been too.
But, I don't feel happy either. So I end up breaking down at home into a million pieces that takes me 3-4 days to recover from. It is like being a car and going to a demolition derby knowing full well you are going to get the crap beaten out of you on purpose and you go anyway. Someone will put you back together in time for the next time out.
I am sorry, I didn't get the memo...
Am I supposed to feel this way? Battered...Road worn...Apathetic....
Let's talk about this one...apathetic....
I don't care honestly about anything rigth now. I could sleep all day. And sometimes I do. I get glimmers of hope when someone calls for a job interview. But, that fades. When I realize it is job I don't really want to do afterall. I have not been eating well. OR right. Poppin all these pain pills...my god I am starting to feel like a junky. I hardly recognize myself right now.
And I miss my baby....
Loosing my baby has sucked all my inspiration, all my life right out of me. I miss my baby so much and I want my baby back inside my body. Knowding this won't can't happen...I am overcome with this awesome sense of loss. It sinks into to my bones, soaks my skin and tears at my soul...
that is all..i am tired....
cluck
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Purple didn't work...
No cheer here.
And honestly no original thoughts either.
I am angry...mostly. I am angry at this pain. Although today it is a little bit better. NO vicodin today. That is good.
My apathy towards life, spawed from the pain I think, is really running rough shod over my life. Somewhere out there is a future. I can't see it and limbo land is my reality right now.
I feel so disconnected from life. From the world. And from my own self. I hate my body right now. I am not particularly enamoured with my attitude. I think I probably smell bad. I know I look like hell. I need a hair cut and a hair dye in the worst way. My house looks like a bunch of bums lives here. We are so not unpacked yet and the house is a mess.
Honestly, all i want to do is climb into bed.
I haven't been eating. I drink water and pop pills all day.
And there is another family gathering this weekend complete with babies and preggo sister. I love them. But, they are not me.
apathy is setting in again heavily. Must go to bed.
cluck
And honestly no original thoughts either.
I am angry...mostly. I am angry at this pain. Although today it is a little bit better. NO vicodin today. That is good.
My apathy towards life, spawed from the pain I think, is really running rough shod over my life. Somewhere out there is a future. I can't see it and limbo land is my reality right now.
I feel so disconnected from life. From the world. And from my own self. I hate my body right now. I am not particularly enamoured with my attitude. I think I probably smell bad. I know I look like hell. I need a hair cut and a hair dye in the worst way. My house looks like a bunch of bums lives here. We are so not unpacked yet and the house is a mess.
Honestly, all i want to do is climb into bed.
I haven't been eating. I drink water and pop pills all day.
And there is another family gathering this weekend complete with babies and preggo sister. I love them. But, they are not me.
apathy is setting in again heavily. Must go to bed.
cluck
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The purple is in an effort
To cheer things up around here. It is superficial I know. But, bear with me.
Day 4 of drug poppin pain
I am in pain folks. Again...it is day let's see - the start of day4 of pill poppin pain. I haven't eaten anything much since Saturday. I feel like garbage...I look like garbage. Did I mention I probably also smell bad too.
I sleep most of the time. It feels good to sleep but still laundry piles up, bills are piling up, my hubby is sad too. He wants to sleep most of the time too. Just being alive right now is a herculian effort.
On the bright side...no there is not bright side. Not today.
Maybe tomorrow.
On a side note though...this thought, w/o completion keeps running through my head - here it is, ready?
"When I was a kid......________________________________________"
Just that...it is almost like a sentance I need to fill in the blank for. And I would say it enters my mind quite frequently during the day and night. When I was a kid......then blank.
Last night for fun, I tried to complete the sentence but nothing really readily came to mind. Could it be that my childhood is being evacuated from my memory? Would that be so awful really?
I was told once by my therapist that going through IVF treatments, getting PG etc is causing me to have a values redefinition period. It is late, I don't know if she really said it in those particular words. But, she was right.
WHen I was a kid..I.......NOTHING. I can't fill it in.
Hmmm....
The doctor who did this to me wants me to come in for a PG test. Ha. HOw ironic. WE are testing now to make sure my PG numbers are going down...THis sucks huh? So, I am going in on Friday. That is the 4th of July right? I guess this is assuming I am going to be feeling good enough to get in the shower to go anywhere.
MOre family gatherings this weekend. More babies and Preggos. To deal with. I am a saint.
Hey, all you ppl who are out there considering IVF, consider this....IT DOESN"T WORK MOST OF THE TIME. And I am not just speaking from experience. I am speaking statistically. Why doesn't it work? B/c there is no other form of practicing medicine in existance today that works off of such low in the hole outcomes and can still get paid. Want to know why? Because we want babies bad enough to tempt the odds. Either we are sickos for putting up with such bad odds, or we are just desperate. Right now, I am going to stick with the first supposition. Earlier in my treatment program, I would have bought the desperate part. I am not buying that anymore. I will tell you more why later I guess. If i can remembe.r
Right now, I am not sure I can remember my own name. Did I mention Day 4 of pill poppin pain? ? ??
Oh I did...
cluck this.
I sleep most of the time. It feels good to sleep but still laundry piles up, bills are piling up, my hubby is sad too. He wants to sleep most of the time too. Just being alive right now is a herculian effort.
On the bright side...no there is not bright side. Not today.
Maybe tomorrow.
On a side note though...this thought, w/o completion keeps running through my head - here it is, ready?
"When I was a kid......________________________________________"
Just that...it is almost like a sentance I need to fill in the blank for. And I would say it enters my mind quite frequently during the day and night. When I was a kid......then blank.
Last night for fun, I tried to complete the sentence but nothing really readily came to mind. Could it be that my childhood is being evacuated from my memory? Would that be so awful really?
I was told once by my therapist that going through IVF treatments, getting PG etc is causing me to have a values redefinition period. It is late, I don't know if she really said it in those particular words. But, she was right.
WHen I was a kid..I.......NOTHING. I can't fill it in.
Hmmm....
The doctor who did this to me wants me to come in for a PG test. Ha. HOw ironic. WE are testing now to make sure my PG numbers are going down...THis sucks huh? So, I am going in on Friday. That is the 4th of July right? I guess this is assuming I am going to be feeling good enough to get in the shower to go anywhere.
MOre family gatherings this weekend. More babies and Preggos. To deal with. I am a saint.
Hey, all you ppl who are out there considering IVF, consider this....IT DOESN"T WORK MOST OF THE TIME. And I am not just speaking from experience. I am speaking statistically. Why doesn't it work? B/c there is no other form of practicing medicine in existance today that works off of such low in the hole outcomes and can still get paid. Want to know why? Because we want babies bad enough to tempt the odds. Either we are sickos for putting up with such bad odds, or we are just desperate. Right now, I am going to stick with the first supposition. Earlier in my treatment program, I would have bought the desperate part. I am not buying that anymore. I will tell you more why later I guess. If i can remembe.r
Right now, I am not sure I can remember my own name. Did I mention Day 4 of pill poppin pain? ? ??
Oh I did...
cluck this.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
had to check to see what I wrote
ha....
Had to check in this am to see what I wrote last night in a half stupor from drugs and half stupor from pain at 3 in the morning (don't pay attention to the time on the post it's GMT or something stupid like that) haze...
Did I mention that when you burp after taking an antibiotic that it sometimes tastes like bitter metal and that narotics make me itchy. And that my hair is starting to fall out? No kidding. IVF is fun!!!!
Had to check in this am to see what I wrote last night in a half stupor from drugs and half stupor from pain at 3 in the morning (don't pay attention to the time on the post it's GMT or something stupid like that) haze...
Did I mention that when you burp after taking an antibiotic that it sometimes tastes like bitter metal and that narotics make me itchy. And that my hair is starting to fall out? No kidding. IVF is fun!!!!
And now a gentler refrain
I try in my posts to focus less on the medical side of things and more on the what am I feeling side of things. I think for this one post at least I am going to start off in a different dreft...
I had a D&C on Friday of last week. Under general anethesia. My blood pressure shot up so high they couldn't give me the pittocin like medication to help my ute contract and expel contents even more. So, I didn't bleed at all on Sat and Sun afternoon. I thought, to myself...GREAT! This is going to go nice and clean and easy.
I was wrong!
On Sunday evening, around 11:30 pm, the worst pain ever started while sitting on the toilet and hasn't really let up since. I mean, honestly, writhing on the floor, crying out loud, scaring the dogs and probably the neighors type pain. I sat out here on my computer blaming myself for it. Broken stupid me. Until 6:30 am when my hubby got up. I had taken some heavy duty pain medication. I didn't work. I was going INSANE. I am not kidding.
SO, I called the doctor who did this to me's office...BLADDER INFECTION they proclaimed. Go get a urinalysis. Why, I asked? I am bleeding like mad at this point? Oh, they said, the blood is secondary to the bacteria they will find.
Let me clue you in gentle reader...
Despite all the hate I spewed forth in my last post for my body, I know it very well.
I do NOT have a BlADDER INFECTION...oh no. We are not going there again...like before.
For over 8 years, doctors all over the place, in Emergency rooms, in country clinics while on vacation, in major medical centers in important US cities diagnosed my writhing, penetrating, seriously debiliating PAIN....as
BlADDER INFECTION!
Guess what? I never was a only a bladder infection. See, my body is plagued with....drum roll please....
I like this color....ENDOMETRIOSIS....YES! Great globs of it...
So let me first apologize to my ovaries...because two years ago, after bouts of debiliating pain that were leading me towards losing my job, I had not 1 but two surgeries, one with a huge robot and 4 stomach inscions to save my ovaries from the ravages of hell and endometriosis....MAke that 6 stomach incisions....
Then, let me apologize to my uterus....endo all over that too...and a giant fibriod to boot. A bad one. TAKE IT OUT!
So....NOW.....guess what...
GO get tested for bladder infection, do a dirty urinalysis and we can then rule out anything serious like a BLADDER INFECTION.....saz the doctor who did this to me via his nurse.
Oh no. they weren't getting off that easy.
So, I throw bad 2 more heavy duty pain meds...hallucinate a little bit longer and wait until 2pm to see my family doctor who has NEVER EVER LET ME DOWN. THANK GOD FOR HIM!
I go in, he looks at me, takes my temp, pushes gently around and DECLARES!!!! RATHER EMphatically.....
You have more going on here than an BLADDER INFECTION and oh, I can't really get a good test of on your pee (he didn't use those words really) b/c of the BLOOD!!!!
So hubby and I (he is home from work for like the 2nd Monday in a row)...jump in the car and drive off to the Doctor who did this to me's office.
I am told to get on the scan table to be probbed again with the photographic dildo when I try to lay back..hey look at that....SHE CAN"T STRAIGHTEN OUT HER LEGS!!!!
Oh, when did this start the nurse exclaimed (I am trying to be dramatic but not for effect)...Husband was ready to jump out of skin and all over nurse. The doctor who did this to me comes in and proclaims....oh..you have a big blood clot in there.
And oh by the way, just to remind you, this is your fault he saz since you had high blood pressure while on the table on Friday and they couldn't give you the pittocin like drug....YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE THAT LOOKED AT BY THE FAMILY DOC THAT COULDN"T DO THE BLOOD URINALYSIS on you...Did he take your BP while there? No...I say. Because it would have just been high anyway....
PAIN...remember? ? ? ?
So, now, huge amounts of antibiotics are pouring into me...for the mysterious NON-BLADDER infections....
I get to get gorked out on some other high power narcotic durg. That is fun! NOT....
And that is it!
I am sorry body of mine. I forget everything that plauges us sometimes. And it doesn't even mean I don't notice, it just means I forget.
I have to now, wait until the tissue passes. Sort of like elongated LABOR pains really. To pass the forgotten blood clot.
I should also mention...I don't have High blood pressure until I go to anethesia. I told that pusher drug man before he gorked me out major that I was susceptible to it while out and under and recovering. I guess he didn't think it was important enough to listen to me....I guess he also expects to get paid...
cluck....
the hen
I had a D&C on Friday of last week. Under general anethesia. My blood pressure shot up so high they couldn't give me the pittocin like medication to help my ute contract and expel contents even more. So, I didn't bleed at all on Sat and Sun afternoon. I thought, to myself...GREAT! This is going to go nice and clean and easy.
I was wrong!
On Sunday evening, around 11:30 pm, the worst pain ever started while sitting on the toilet and hasn't really let up since. I mean, honestly, writhing on the floor, crying out loud, scaring the dogs and probably the neighors type pain. I sat out here on my computer blaming myself for it. Broken stupid me. Until 6:30 am when my hubby got up. I had taken some heavy duty pain medication. I didn't work. I was going INSANE. I am not kidding.
SO, I called the doctor who did this to me's office...BLADDER INFECTION they proclaimed. Go get a urinalysis. Why, I asked? I am bleeding like mad at this point? Oh, they said, the blood is secondary to the bacteria they will find.
Let me clue you in gentle reader...
Despite all the hate I spewed forth in my last post for my body, I know it very well.
I do NOT have a BlADDER INFECTION...oh no. We are not going there again...like before.
For over 8 years, doctors all over the place, in Emergency rooms, in country clinics while on vacation, in major medical centers in important US cities diagnosed my writhing, penetrating, seriously debiliating PAIN....as
BlADDER INFECTION!
Guess what? I never was a only a bladder infection. See, my body is plagued with....drum roll please....
I like this color....ENDOMETRIOSIS....YES! Great globs of it...
So let me first apologize to my ovaries...because two years ago, after bouts of debiliating pain that were leading me towards losing my job, I had not 1 but two surgeries, one with a huge robot and 4 stomach inscions to save my ovaries from the ravages of hell and endometriosis....MAke that 6 stomach incisions....
Then, let me apologize to my uterus....endo all over that too...and a giant fibriod to boot. A bad one. TAKE IT OUT!
So....NOW.....guess what...
GO get tested for bladder infection, do a dirty urinalysis and we can then rule out anything serious like a BLADDER INFECTION.....saz the doctor who did this to me via his nurse.
Oh no. they weren't getting off that easy.
So, I throw bad 2 more heavy duty pain meds...hallucinate a little bit longer and wait until 2pm to see my family doctor who has NEVER EVER LET ME DOWN. THANK GOD FOR HIM!
I go in, he looks at me, takes my temp, pushes gently around and DECLARES!!!! RATHER EMphatically.....
You have more going on here than an BLADDER INFECTION and oh, I can't really get a good test of on your pee (he didn't use those words really) b/c of the BLOOD!!!!
So hubby and I (he is home from work for like the 2nd Monday in a row)...jump in the car and drive off to the Doctor who did this to me's office.
I am told to get on the scan table to be probbed again with the photographic dildo when I try to lay back..hey look at that....SHE CAN"T STRAIGHTEN OUT HER LEGS!!!!
Oh, when did this start the nurse exclaimed (I am trying to be dramatic but not for effect)...Husband was ready to jump out of skin and all over nurse. The doctor who did this to me comes in and proclaims....oh..you have a big blood clot in there.
And oh by the way, just to remind you, this is your fault he saz since you had high blood pressure while on the table on Friday and they couldn't give you the pittocin like drug....YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE THAT LOOKED AT BY THE FAMILY DOC THAT COULDN"T DO THE BLOOD URINALYSIS on you...Did he take your BP while there? No...I say. Because it would have just been high anyway....
PAIN...remember? ? ? ?
So, now, huge amounts of antibiotics are pouring into me...for the mysterious NON-BLADDER infections....
I get to get gorked out on some other high power narcotic durg. That is fun! NOT....
And that is it!
I am sorry body of mine. I forget everything that plauges us sometimes. And it doesn't even mean I don't notice, it just means I forget.
I have to now, wait until the tissue passes. Sort of like elongated LABOR pains really. To pass the forgotten blood clot.
I should also mention...I don't have High blood pressure until I go to anethesia. I told that pusher drug man before he gorked me out major that I was susceptible to it while out and under and recovering. I guess he didn't think it was important enough to listen to me....I guess he also expects to get paid...
cluck....
the hen
Monday, June 30, 2008
Nasty thoughts about my body...
first, thank you to everyone who commented....it means a lot....
now...moving on....
Nasty thoughts about my body - by thehenherself
let's start at the very beginning.
The ovary
- more than once during this whole ordeal have I wanted to rip you both out of my body and stomp you on the ground like a rotten piece of fruit. And now you torment me, after the D & C with not so subtle painful reminders. Stabbing pains. Where is my pocket knife - I want to cut you out and stomp on you with big boots and leave you in the street to rot. Tried my whole life to subdue your rants and raves with birth control, shots, patches, pills...And now when I need you to perform as intended you fail me. I hate you both. Especially you left ovary. Useless bitch. You caused me more pain that anything internal or external ever has in my whole life.
Moving in on the UTERUS -
Piece of shit uterus. Useless since the day I met you as a preteen getting my 1st period. I imagine you were scraped clean of the shit smelling, rotten blood colored tissue. And my baby. You couldn't hang in there just a little longer could you? Make yourself useful for once. I am tired of the brown clumps dropping out of my body. I wish I Could wring you out between my hands and put you in the disposal. Chop you up into little bits. Cause that is how I feel. Chopped up into little bits. You torment me even further still by clamping and cramping. Can you please just go away? Leave me alone and disappear!
And now the vagina -
Have you ever tried to imagine that you might have been useful for something more than a skin sheath for a dick? You know, things go in all the time. You were once something to play with. Something that was dear to me because you were pleasureable to have. DId it ever occur that perhaps something could COME OUT beside the smelly stench of rotten blood and tissue? Like maybe a baby? Piss on you. I wish I could clamp you shut. I hate you too.
And the clitoris -
Fuck you clitoris. You have been sitting back tucked so neatly away in la la land of external gentalia that you don't even count for anything anymore. No amount of pleading could ever make me want to touch you or be touched again. If you think you are coming back online as soon as the pain of the D n C is over, you are nuts. Fuck you clitoris. I could cut you out and laugh at the pain. That is what I have to do all the time anyway right? Put on a brave face. A front so no one really will know how bad I feel. Liar.
And the labia -
Where is my stapler? Needle and thread? I want to sew you up. So nothing in, nothing out. No more weekly invasions from the ultrasound dildo. No more specula...no more suppositories. No more fake promises and lies. No more chances for it to work, this time. No more on a wing and prayer. No more looking at my twat when I am under anethesia. And no more of you. I used to think you were neat. Now, your drooping lips and overgrown hair make me want to puke. I am tired. I am tired of you labia. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I could sew you up so no one and nothing could gain access.
I was only given a 35% chance of this working. This IVF and ICSI thing. And now, I hate myself. For GOD SAKE....I hate my body and all that it CAN'T do...And I can't change that. Not now. No amount of therapy can change the hate I Feel for my body.
Let's not forget to mention the unexplained BLADDER pain after every D n C. I couldn't get off the toilet tonight. Popped another Darvocet and the old standby pain reliever AZO to get some relief. Ever had a charlie horse? Well, even though the worse bladder spasms are over, my gut feels like it has been repeatedly punched over and over and over again till it is black and blue and bruised from the INSIDE.
And, my insides feel like they have been rubbed overly vigorously with coarse grit sandpaper. Oh, wait.....That is pretty much what happened on FRIDAY.
THE HORMONES----I AM CRASHING......depth of dispair, pit of pain.
Oh yea....80% of the women in their childbearing years at the party I went to to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday this Saturday were pregnant...I wasn't. Not anymore.
Not anymore.
My body is a cage. I can't escape it. And right now, I HATE IT. I think I Have an ulcer. My henaches are back in my head. Let's not even mention my useless oversized breasts. Did I ever tell you I went out and bought some maternity bras? You know, the ones you can unhook to nures a baby?
I am done.
I wish I could turn back time and get my child bearing years back and line them up with my marriage so we could just do it like rabbits and have a kid on our own.
I hate myself.
cluck---
now...moving on....
Nasty thoughts about my body - by thehenherself
let's start at the very beginning.
The ovary
- more than once during this whole ordeal have I wanted to rip you both out of my body and stomp you on the ground like a rotten piece of fruit. And now you torment me, after the D & C with not so subtle painful reminders. Stabbing pains. Where is my pocket knife - I want to cut you out and stomp on you with big boots and leave you in the street to rot. Tried my whole life to subdue your rants and raves with birth control, shots, patches, pills...And now when I need you to perform as intended you fail me. I hate you both. Especially you left ovary. Useless bitch. You caused me more pain that anything internal or external ever has in my whole life.
Moving in on the UTERUS -
Piece of shit uterus. Useless since the day I met you as a preteen getting my 1st period. I imagine you were scraped clean of the shit smelling, rotten blood colored tissue. And my baby. You couldn't hang in there just a little longer could you? Make yourself useful for once. I am tired of the brown clumps dropping out of my body. I wish I Could wring you out between my hands and put you in the disposal. Chop you up into little bits. Cause that is how I feel. Chopped up into little bits. You torment me even further still by clamping and cramping. Can you please just go away? Leave me alone and disappear!
And now the vagina -
Have you ever tried to imagine that you might have been useful for something more than a skin sheath for a dick? You know, things go in all the time. You were once something to play with. Something that was dear to me because you were pleasureable to have. DId it ever occur that perhaps something could COME OUT beside the smelly stench of rotten blood and tissue? Like maybe a baby? Piss on you. I wish I could clamp you shut. I hate you too.
And the clitoris -
Fuck you clitoris. You have been sitting back tucked so neatly away in la la land of external gentalia that you don't even count for anything anymore. No amount of pleading could ever make me want to touch you or be touched again. If you think you are coming back online as soon as the pain of the D n C is over, you are nuts. Fuck you clitoris. I could cut you out and laugh at the pain. That is what I have to do all the time anyway right? Put on a brave face. A front so no one really will know how bad I feel. Liar.
And the labia -
Where is my stapler? Needle and thread? I want to sew you up. So nothing in, nothing out. No more weekly invasions from the ultrasound dildo. No more specula...no more suppositories. No more fake promises and lies. No more chances for it to work, this time. No more on a wing and prayer. No more looking at my twat when I am under anethesia. And no more of you. I used to think you were neat. Now, your drooping lips and overgrown hair make me want to puke. I am tired. I am tired of you labia. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I could sew you up so no one and nothing could gain access.
I was only given a 35% chance of this working. This IVF and ICSI thing. And now, I hate myself. For GOD SAKE....I hate my body and all that it CAN'T do...And I can't change that. Not now. No amount of therapy can change the hate I Feel for my body.
Let's not forget to mention the unexplained BLADDER pain after every D n C. I couldn't get off the toilet tonight. Popped another Darvocet and the old standby pain reliever AZO to get some relief. Ever had a charlie horse? Well, even though the worse bladder spasms are over, my gut feels like it has been repeatedly punched over and over and over again till it is black and blue and bruised from the INSIDE.
And, my insides feel like they have been rubbed overly vigorously with coarse grit sandpaper. Oh, wait.....That is pretty much what happened on FRIDAY.
THE HORMONES----I AM CRASHING......depth of dispair, pit of pain.
Oh yea....80% of the women in their childbearing years at the party I went to to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday this Saturday were pregnant...I wasn't. Not anymore.
Not anymore.
My body is a cage. I can't escape it. And right now, I HATE IT. I think I Have an ulcer. My henaches are back in my head. Let's not even mention my useless oversized breasts. Did I ever tell you I went out and bought some maternity bras? You know, the ones you can unhook to nures a baby?
I am done.
I wish I could turn back time and get my child bearing years back and line them up with my marriage so we could just do it like rabbits and have a kid on our own.
I hate myself.
cluck---
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Dead embyos don't have funerals / no one is bringing us casseroles
Would someone please send a casserole? A card of condolence? How about a conversation?
There was a bad thing that happened to our pregnancy. It is OVER. At 9 weeks it is over. Fetal demise. Tissue must come out. There isn't going to be a funeral although I am mourning worse than any funeral I ever attended. One on is bringing over cake or casserole. I love casserole. Especially the ones other people make.
This sucks. I am going for another D & C tomorrow morning. Evacuate the contents of conception. Test the tissue. Find out why? I am done. Done with infertility. I am emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and SHATTERED....
I guess I should expect it to end. I should have. But, I love being pregnant and even this evening as I sit here I know the fetus is DEMISED...but, it is still in me. And I will miss the...what...person that I was harbouring in my body. I made him and now he is GONE.
I am so depressed I Can't stand it. How much medication can I take? Hard to say.
Another D & C. Suck and chuck I Call it. And no answers.
and no casseroles.
please someone send me one please. Just acknowledge they way that people do DEAD people. Because we are going to a funeral at the hospital tomorrow, my husband and I. Except no one is sending us cards, condolences or casseroles.
sigh..this has changed me FOREVER now. I will never be the same. I am not sure I want to be right now. I Could honestly crawl into a hole and never be seen from again.
I loved being pregnant. And I love my baby.
Good night and good bye little one. I know I will see you in heaven and there are lots of people waiting there for you. Please don't be afraid. You were so wanted and I would give anything to have you here with us know. Anything at all.
you mom
There was a bad thing that happened to our pregnancy. It is OVER. At 9 weeks it is over. Fetal demise. Tissue must come out. There isn't going to be a funeral although I am mourning worse than any funeral I ever attended. One on is bringing over cake or casserole. I love casserole. Especially the ones other people make.
This sucks. I am going for another D & C tomorrow morning. Evacuate the contents of conception. Test the tissue. Find out why? I am done. Done with infertility. I am emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and SHATTERED....
I guess I should expect it to end. I should have. But, I love being pregnant and even this evening as I sit here I know the fetus is DEMISED...but, it is still in me. And I will miss the...what...person that I was harbouring in my body. I made him and now he is GONE.
I am so depressed I Can't stand it. How much medication can I take? Hard to say.
Another D & C. Suck and chuck I Call it. And no answers.
and no casseroles.
please someone send me one please. Just acknowledge they way that people do DEAD people. Because we are going to a funeral at the hospital tomorrow, my husband and I. Except no one is sending us cards, condolences or casseroles.
sigh..this has changed me FOREVER now. I will never be the same. I am not sure I want to be right now. I Could honestly crawl into a hole and never be seen from again.
I loved being pregnant. And I love my baby.
Good night and good bye little one. I know I will see you in heaven and there are lots of people waiting there for you. Please don't be afraid. You were so wanted and I would give anything to have you here with us know. Anything at all.
you mom
Monday, May 26, 2008
blah blah blah
You know what....I Figured it out....
Getting PG is the single hardest thing I ever set out to accomplish. Harder than college, harder than moving or finding a mate.
And it was something to DO. Getting PG or going through IVF implies doing something in my mind. And although it sounds obvious, a 15 grand doing something takes a lot out of a person, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And out of the ppl who support them too.
Now, being PG. That is a totally different thing. That is a state of being, not doing. It is something that is, not that happens. I was super prepared to doing something to get PG. I read all the books, asked all the questions, saw doctors all the time.
But, this being pregnant thing, it requires a place and state of acceptance and calm that honestly, I was not prepared for at all. I was thinking only 1 second ahead at all time. Marking time with milestones in each section of IVF.
But, now, I am pregnant. And, this brings along its own set of emotional issues that I was unprepared for.
Ready....let's go!
1. I want someone to go in there and look. I spent so much time looking at my innards that well, I am having seperation anxiety.
2. I don't know when I will feel like I am safe. My want to be positive nature lags sometimes in the motivation department. So, I am Left wondering, am I really? Am I really going to stay this way? OH my god where am I going to get the energy to survive this?
3. I am sick of ppl saying , "oh you are only 5 weeks pregnant, that is only a little bit pregnant." Ok, the morning sickness, the fact I lost my job, the fact my boobs hurt, the fact that I am blown out by the IVF drugs, I guess that makes me LESS PG than say, someone else, who just found out b/c she missed her period and her and her ultra fertile mate were just getting down and got it done.
That is it for now. I am going to go eat my nutritionally balanced meal...before I barf.
be well all....
cluck
Getting PG is the single hardest thing I ever set out to accomplish. Harder than college, harder than moving or finding a mate.
And it was something to DO. Getting PG or going through IVF implies doing something in my mind. And although it sounds obvious, a 15 grand doing something takes a lot out of a person, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And out of the ppl who support them too.
Now, being PG. That is a totally different thing. That is a state of being, not doing. It is something that is, not that happens. I was super prepared to doing something to get PG. I read all the books, asked all the questions, saw doctors all the time.
But, this being pregnant thing, it requires a place and state of acceptance and calm that honestly, I was not prepared for at all. I was thinking only 1 second ahead at all time. Marking time with milestones in each section of IVF.
But, now, I am pregnant. And, this brings along its own set of emotional issues that I was unprepared for.
Ready....let's go!
1. I want someone to go in there and look. I spent so much time looking at my innards that well, I am having seperation anxiety.
2. I don't know when I will feel like I am safe. My want to be positive nature lags sometimes in the motivation department. So, I am Left wondering, am I really? Am I really going to stay this way? OH my god where am I going to get the energy to survive this?
3. I am sick of ppl saying , "oh you are only 5 weeks pregnant, that is only a little bit pregnant." Ok, the morning sickness, the fact I lost my job, the fact my boobs hurt, the fact that I am blown out by the IVF drugs, I guess that makes me LESS PG than say, someone else, who just found out b/c she missed her period and her and her ultra fertile mate were just getting down and got it done.
That is it for now. I am going to go eat my nutritionally balanced meal...before I barf.
be well all....
cluck
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I GOT IT
I got pregnant. I am PG right now. Yup...preggers. Can you friggin believe that?
I don't.
I don't believe it.
The more I ignore it, the less it seems to bother me that I DON"T believe IT.
I am messed up.
We are only 4 weeks 5 days PG today. Now stay with me here. I have officially MISSED my period if I was going to have one. If I was a fertile person, I would have tested positive on a home preggo test. Which I did. My blood work clearly is PG PG PG positive. So, nutcase me, I don't believe it.
I Feel like I am in withdrawl from my RE's office. Weekly, then bi weekly scans. Blood work blood work blood work. Then....BLAMO.....
Nothing. No more monitoring for two weeks. No more looks inside the ute for 2 freaking WEEKS..
Now. I am going through severe what is it called.....
I forget. I can't think straight because apparently...I AM PREGNANT!!!!!
Tell the paper!
love to the eggs...the hen
I don't.
I don't believe it.
The more I ignore it, the less it seems to bother me that I DON"T believe IT.
I am messed up.
We are only 4 weeks 5 days PG today. Now stay with me here. I have officially MISSED my period if I was going to have one. If I was a fertile person, I would have tested positive on a home preggo test. Which I did. My blood work clearly is PG PG PG positive. So, nutcase me, I don't believe it.
I Feel like I am in withdrawl from my RE's office. Weekly, then bi weekly scans. Blood work blood work blood work. Then....BLAMO.....
Nothing. No more monitoring for two weeks. No more looks inside the ute for 2 freaking WEEKS..
Now. I am going through severe what is it called.....
I forget. I can't think straight because apparently...I AM PREGNANT!!!!!
Tell the paper!
love to the eggs...the hen
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Chilling with the hen
I am hanging out this weekend....taking shots. Enjoying the weather. Loving life. Life is good. And the ranting is on hold for the moment at least.....
Remember, it is the HENMONES...hormones....something like that...
back at cha lata....
hen
Remember, it is the HENMONES...hormones....something like that...
back at cha lata....
hen
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Haters can step off b/c the HEN IS IN THE HOUSE
Look all you haters out there....
Yea you!
I am talking to you.
How much do you pay me to hang out at your stinking, annoying and inefficient barnyard of a business? Not enough to put up with your prison work release attitude.
You back off now you hear!
Chill out! Shut up and Fuck off!
Cause then hen and her rooster are going for round 2.
Sorry if this mucks up your messed up minimicrolackomanagement style of business. So sorry.
You can blame me I suppose. But, you are going to have to deal with the rooster. And aside from his kindly exterior...he is one mean cock!
Ha ha....
So....are you offended yet? Ever had someone as smart as I am working at your shit hole establishment? Did they last long? Doubt it. Why?
You are too stupid to know why haters.....And I am sick of your attitude. So I am creating my own.
The deliciously honest, horomonely prompted, hyper fertilatious, bitch as she always wanted to be HEN herself.
And if you don't like it, then CLUCK you and CLUCK OFF....
all by..the hen herself
Yea you!
I am talking to you.
How much do you pay me to hang out at your stinking, annoying and inefficient barnyard of a business? Not enough to put up with your prison work release attitude.
You back off now you hear!
Chill out! Shut up and Fuck off!
Cause then hen and her rooster are going for round 2.
Sorry if this mucks up your messed up minimicrolackomanagement style of business. So sorry.
You can blame me I suppose. But, you are going to have to deal with the rooster. And aside from his kindly exterior...he is one mean cock!
Ha ha....
So....are you offended yet? Ever had someone as smart as I am working at your shit hole establishment? Did they last long? Doubt it. Why?
You are too stupid to know why haters.....And I am sick of your attitude. So I am creating my own.
The deliciously honest, horomonely prompted, hyper fertilatious, bitch as she always wanted to be HEN herself.
And if you don't like it, then CLUCK you and CLUCK OFF....
all by..the hen herself
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Scoop it out, clean it up and try again
Sigh...
Guess what? I am having a D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friends wedding. Guess what else? I am starting a new cycle on Thursday after my D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friend's wedding.
Guess what? I have my 1st ultrasound following the D n C and the start of a cycle a week from Tuesday. My husband will be back for that.
I told him to go not knowing I was going to need a D n C. But, honestly, I knew. Continuation of feeling of complete inadequacy makes it imppppposible for me to ask for what I want and express what I need.
Oh yea! Guess what else....? We are moving next all this month. Our current lease has been expired by a nutso landlord. So, my dear husband gets to move us because I am going to be on a new cycle.
Lupron sucks ass. It does. I am one big HOT FLASH....
I am eating my last foods until tomorrow after my surgery. Granola bar and water. If my husband was here I would send him up to get some ice cream or some chips or something yum.
Oh well...he is not.
Love ya hubby.....
your hen
Guess what? I am having a D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friends wedding. Guess what else? I am starting a new cycle on Thursday after my D n C tomorrow and my husband is in Alaska for a friend's wedding.
Guess what? I have my 1st ultrasound following the D n C and the start of a cycle a week from Tuesday. My husband will be back for that.
I told him to go not knowing I was going to need a D n C. But, honestly, I knew. Continuation of feeling of complete inadequacy makes it imppppposible for me to ask for what I want and express what I need.
Oh yea! Guess what else....? We are moving next all this month. Our current lease has been expired by a nutso landlord. So, my dear husband gets to move us because I am going to be on a new cycle.
Lupron sucks ass. It does. I am one big HOT FLASH....
I am eating my last foods until tomorrow after my surgery. Granola bar and water. If my husband was here I would send him up to get some ice cream or some chips or something yum.
Oh well...he is not.
Love ya hubby.....
your hen
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Two faced, lying, ignorant bastards will not get in my way
There is nothing and I mean nothing more important in my life right now that making sure I am in the right state of mind to succeed at this IVF process.
Somehow my workplace did not get the word.
I told them way back in JANUARY of this year that I would be missing work a lot in the coming months / weeks. Because of the MEDICAL treatment I was going to receive for my infertility....
"Good luck, we wish you luck....We are behind you...etc" THat is what I heard out of their two faced lying mouths.
Then this week, after I missed a day because of debilitating HEADACHES...they WRITE ME UP...
OH yes, I might also add, my mother was in the ICU for 2 weeks in February and that took me away from work. I work a shitty $10 an hour job that is not worth risking my life driving in snow storms to get to so I missed a day for that too.
When I asked them if they needed doctor's notes etc..they said "OH NO, we don't need those."
I am pissed off.
This is not good.
And it is not a good time to be looking for other work is it now?
FUCK THEM and their TWO FACEDness....
That is all for now...
the hen
Somehow my workplace did not get the word.
I told them way back in JANUARY of this year that I would be missing work a lot in the coming months / weeks. Because of the MEDICAL treatment I was going to receive for my infertility....
"Good luck, we wish you luck....We are behind you...etc" THat is what I heard out of their two faced lying mouths.
Then this week, after I missed a day because of debilitating HEADACHES...they WRITE ME UP...
OH yes, I might also add, my mother was in the ICU for 2 weeks in February and that took me away from work. I work a shitty $10 an hour job that is not worth risking my life driving in snow storms to get to so I missed a day for that too.
When I asked them if they needed doctor's notes etc..they said "OH NO, we don't need those."
I am pissed off.
This is not good.
And it is not a good time to be looking for other work is it now?
FUCK THEM and their TWO FACEDness....
That is all for now...
the hen
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
One word....
One word....
PREGNANT
I am NOT yet pregnant.
But my sister is, again.
So happy for her.
So sad for me.
Hang on little soul of mine, we are coming to get you soon...
love,
your hen
PREGNANT
I am NOT yet pregnant.
But my sister is, again.
So happy for her.
So sad for me.
Hang on little soul of mine, we are coming to get you soon...
love,
your hen
Big pads, big dreams, big tears
I bought the biggest maxi pads I have ever seen in my life at CVS the other day. You know what, the days of trying to fit my big old whooha into the little thong size pantiliner sized maxi pads are OVER....AND TAMPONS...for get it. I want to see what is coming out of me. AND more importantly:
LET IS FLOW!
LET IT FLOW!
LET IT FLOW!
Yes, I am losing my mind. If I have to have a period while trying to conceive a child after a 1 week stint of follicle stimulating HENMONES...and LutHENizing HENMONES not to mention some prometriHEN then I WANT TO GO BIG....BIG PADS...BIG BOOBS... BIG MOOD SWINGS...BIG NEWS...on the horizon...
Yes, we go to the RE (reproductive endocrHENologist) on Thursday for an ULTRASOUND....To see if we can PROCEED....
IF not, then surgery. SURGERY..FUN....GET TO TAKE A DAY I GUESS...BUT W/O PAY....hmpf....
THEN we get to pay more money to get MORE HENMONES to shoot into my already confused as hell body. I still have like 2000 dollars of drugs in my refrigerator.
You know what...had we started when we planned to (WE DON"T NEED NO STINKING PLAN....DR. FrankHENstein the Reprodcutive endocrHENologist is in CHARGE...even he doesn't have a plan per se)...WE would have found out if we were PG already....or NOT...
I prefer the PG option....
Anyone?
CLUCK....
the hen herself
LET IS FLOW!
LET IT FLOW!
LET IT FLOW!
Yes, I am losing my mind. If I have to have a period while trying to conceive a child after a 1 week stint of follicle stimulating HENMONES...and LutHENizing HENMONES not to mention some prometriHEN then I WANT TO GO BIG....BIG PADS...BIG BOOBS... BIG MOOD SWINGS...BIG NEWS...on the horizon...
Yes, we go to the RE (reproductive endocrHENologist) on Thursday for an ULTRASOUND....To see if we can PROCEED....
IF not, then surgery. SURGERY..FUN....GET TO TAKE A DAY I GUESS...BUT W/O PAY....hmpf....
THEN we get to pay more money to get MORE HENMONES to shoot into my already confused as hell body. I still have like 2000 dollars of drugs in my refrigerator.
You know what...had we started when we planned to (WE DON"T NEED NO STINKING PLAN....DR. FrankHENstein the Reprodcutive endocrHENologist is in CHARGE...even he doesn't have a plan per se)...WE would have found out if we were PG already....or NOT...
I prefer the PG option....
Anyone?
CLUCK....
the hen herself
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
CRYING JAGS BY the hen herself
The crying jag is a new sensation...
It is sweeping the nation, our at least our little house of hen
One minute you are laughing out loud
and without warning...BLAMO----
tears of....tears of what?
Joy? NO
SADNESS? Not really
Relief? NO
Disgust? NO
Empathy? Nope.
Then what....
Tears of PROMETRIUM, LUVERIS, MEGA-PMS, and don't forget your friend and ours, (insert your favorite FSH hormone med) GONAL-F....
Mixed with some tears of BCP (birth control..yes the irony there is as thick as paste) and don't forget that wonderful supression medication - drum roll please....LUPRON...
If you are lucky, when the jag is over, your friends, coworkers, family, dogs, cats, fish in the bowl, lady behind the counter at the store, person taking your toll at the booth, person you are talking to on the phone....won't think you are insane.
Although, the thought will cross their mind. They will pass you tissue. Call an ambulance. Offer you the day off. Fire your nutso ass...or better yet..and worse of all---Call you out for being a no good, emotional slackard (this happens mostly if you work with a bunch of post menopausal confirmed breeding producers, or those stone cold ice uterus, perfectly groomed and manicured top executives who love to chastize those in positions of weakness...JAN BELL is my arch nemisis in that regard.....LOVE YA JAN BELL....SMOOCHY KISSES TO YOU AND YOUR BARREN BITCHY SELF)
So...at the end of the jag...remember to fix your eyeliner before moving away from the post of your desk or the car of wherever...and call your mom if you can.
At least your mom will make you laugh about it all. After all she did have you didn't she? There must be something useful in those reproductive organs somewhere....
CLUCK.....
the hen
It is sweeping the nation, our at least our little house of hen
One minute you are laughing out loud
and without warning...BLAMO----
tears of....tears of what?
Joy? NO
SADNESS? Not really
Relief? NO
Disgust? NO
Empathy? Nope.
Then what....
Tears of PROMETRIUM, LUVERIS, MEGA-PMS, and don't forget your friend and ours, (insert your favorite FSH hormone med) GONAL-F....
Mixed with some tears of BCP (birth control..yes the irony there is as thick as paste) and don't forget that wonderful supression medication - drum roll please....LUPRON...
If you are lucky, when the jag is over, your friends, coworkers, family, dogs, cats, fish in the bowl, lady behind the counter at the store, person taking your toll at the booth, person you are talking to on the phone....won't think you are insane.
Although, the thought will cross their mind. They will pass you tissue. Call an ambulance. Offer you the day off. Fire your nutso ass...or better yet..and worse of all---Call you out for being a no good, emotional slackard (this happens mostly if you work with a bunch of post menopausal confirmed breeding producers, or those stone cold ice uterus, perfectly groomed and manicured top executives who love to chastize those in positions of weakness...JAN BELL is my arch nemisis in that regard.....LOVE YA JAN BELL....SMOOCHY KISSES TO YOU AND YOUR BARREN BITCHY SELF)
So...at the end of the jag...remember to fix your eyeliner before moving away from the post of your desk or the car of wherever...and call your mom if you can.
At least your mom will make you laugh about it all. After all she did have you didn't she? There must be something useful in those reproductive organs somewhere....
CLUCK.....
the hen
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Getting used to my new body...
Oh the ups and downs of this infertility thing....If I had no boobs to start, I suppose I would not be so disgusted with my new ones...I don't know my body anymore. Nothing I own fits, my skin and hair is not the same and honestly, it is a little un-nerving. I am NOT EVEN pg yet....yet so SWOLLEN....
Did I mention cramps? No, I didn't.
The good news...A week of feeling well makes me appreciate two things.
Did I mention cramps? No, I didn't.
The good news...A week of feeling well makes me appreciate two things.
- How bad I felt on the meds.
- How good it feels to feel well....
I think it is important to appreciate at least a clear head, calm emotions, rational thoughts and normal at least for me emotions....
Sigh....
Hen-OUT...
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Questions...the hen wants to know
The hen here wants to know what in the hell is going on...I want to know why and how people who have crack addictions can get treatment without having to incur incredible debt but I, a God fearing, tax paying, sober, non-addicted, employed, educated, loving, friendly and eligible parent with my husband of the same description cannot get financial AID or assistance or EVEN insurance coverage for the treatment of OUR condition called INFER FUCKING TILITY..... Any takers on that questions? Huh? Anyone?
Didn't think so...YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
Because this isn't seen by society, our employers or the insurance company as an illness or a CONDITION that can be treated.
Instead, we are, especially us women...because you know men can have kids well into their senility years...VILLIFIED....KNOW what that word means? IT MEANS we are acting in a criminal way so much so that society tends to allow the condition to exist where we are told to be SILENT..that somehow this is OUR CHOICE...NO KIDS by 38...hmmmm MUST BE YOUR FAULT you career building, education seeking, kept your legs shut and your birth control current and up to date, even had an abortion when it made more sense to than to bring an UNWANTED, illegitimate child into the world GIRL....YOU stinking old school terminally USELESS WOMB YOU.....
Yes...I am pissed off. I saw a show of a minister's wife who already had 6 kids under the age of 5 when she knowingly GAVE BIRTH to conjoined TWINS...who later in life had to undergo millions of dollars worth of surgery to seperate themselves...WHO FUCKING PAID FOR THE THAT? ? ? ? DID they? DOUBT IT>........
I don't hate these people who burden the health care system or society...I HATE that we live in a society that DOESNOT burden some while they unfairly BURDEN others.....
That is all....
DRUG free sans hormones until my period comes...so CLUCK
-the hen...her fucking self...
Didn't think so...YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
Because this isn't seen by society, our employers or the insurance company as an illness or a CONDITION that can be treated.
Instead, we are, especially us women...because you know men can have kids well into their senility years...VILLIFIED....KNOW what that word means? IT MEANS we are acting in a criminal way so much so that society tends to allow the condition to exist where we are told to be SILENT..that somehow this is OUR CHOICE...NO KIDS by 38...hmmmm MUST BE YOUR FAULT you career building, education seeking, kept your legs shut and your birth control current and up to date, even had an abortion when it made more sense to than to bring an UNWANTED, illegitimate child into the world GIRL....YOU stinking old school terminally USELESS WOMB YOU.....
Yes...I am pissed off. I saw a show of a minister's wife who already had 6 kids under the age of 5 when she knowingly GAVE BIRTH to conjoined TWINS...who later in life had to undergo millions of dollars worth of surgery to seperate themselves...WHO FUCKING PAID FOR THE THAT? ? ? ? DID they? DOUBT IT>........
I don't hate these people who burden the health care system or society...I HATE that we live in a society that DOESNOT burden some while they unfairly BURDEN others.....
That is all....
DRUG free sans hormones until my period comes...so CLUCK
-the hen...her fucking self...
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Reaching deep...
The hen is a mess right now. The hormones account for the most wretched side affects. This feeling of haze and malaise....I called the doctor's today. We are stepping back on the prometrium a little bit tonight. Perhaps it will make it possible for me to get into work today. I stayed home today because I was such a mess in the morning that I was not where near able to drive myself to work. It didn't break until about 11:30 am. I drive 1hour each way to work. It isn't a great paying job so it hardly seemed like it was worth it to drive in. Except I think work is getting miffed at my mucho tardiness and no shows.
Sigh....
I am out of control....almost. If it were not for my fabu husband I would be in the dumps worse that I feel already....
I am blessed and I am cursed...
Nanny 911 is on TV right now.
How ironic. And this is what I want?
Hehehehe
Cluck
the hen
Sigh....
I am out of control....almost. If it were not for my fabu husband I would be in the dumps worse that I feel already....
I am blessed and I am cursed...
Nanny 911 is on TV right now.
How ironic. And this is what I want?
Hehehehe
Cluck
the hen
Monday, March 10, 2008
Keep your chin up....
That is what my dad said last night. "Keep your chin up." Good advice really. This is not for the faint of heart.
I am now taking a drug to induce a menstrual cycle. So I can bleed out the cause of our IVF pause. Prometrium is the name and progesterone is the game. If it doesn't work, then I need to have a D n C. Hooray... More surgery.
The thing that bugs me so and always has in this whole process is this: My husband and I desperately want a child. We are a stable relationship with good families on our side. And we can't have a child the "normal" way. We can't and we won't unless we go through this process. Or decide to bag it all at some point and adopt.
Adopt what? If we want an American baby, we would adopt a child from some woman or girl who can have kids but doesn't want one. Or it was an accident. Or they are druggies and can't keep one. Or, they are already over burdened with childen and don't want to have another.
I loathe these people. It comes so easy yet is so unwanted. I hate their uteruses and their ovaries for doing their job when the outcome is not desired. I hate those people who end up keeping that unwanted child for whatever reason, more child support, for public assistance, pure ignorance or whatever.
And I am not being judgemental in the normal sense. I am being judgemental because I am the other side of the coin and no matter how hard I chase the head, I am always going to be the tail. No matter what.
There is nothing I want more than a baby to call our own. And it breaks my heart because in some area high schools around here, girls are having babies because it is the latest trend...ha...right. Trendy.
When I was younger, I worked hard NOT to have a child. Because my mom told me, "We will not raise another child in this house" and because I knew it was NOT what I wanted for my life now.
Now, I am working even harder to have a child...the irony is killing me. So are the hormones.
6 more weeks of henaches before we can go on some LUPRON...hooray. Then more waiting and hoping...
Cluck...
the hen herself
I am now taking a drug to induce a menstrual cycle. So I can bleed out the cause of our IVF pause. Prometrium is the name and progesterone is the game. If it doesn't work, then I need to have a D n C. Hooray... More surgery.
The thing that bugs me so and always has in this whole process is this: My husband and I desperately want a child. We are a stable relationship with good families on our side. And we can't have a child the "normal" way. We can't and we won't unless we go through this process. Or decide to bag it all at some point and adopt.
Adopt what? If we want an American baby, we would adopt a child from some woman or girl who can have kids but doesn't want one. Or it was an accident. Or they are druggies and can't keep one. Or, they are already over burdened with childen and don't want to have another.
I loathe these people. It comes so easy yet is so unwanted. I hate their uteruses and their ovaries for doing their job when the outcome is not desired. I hate those people who end up keeping that unwanted child for whatever reason, more child support, for public assistance, pure ignorance or whatever.
And I am not being judgemental in the normal sense. I am being judgemental because I am the other side of the coin and no matter how hard I chase the head, I am always going to be the tail. No matter what.
There is nothing I want more than a baby to call our own. And it breaks my heart because in some area high schools around here, girls are having babies because it is the latest trend...ha...right. Trendy.
When I was younger, I worked hard NOT to have a child. Because my mom told me, "We will not raise another child in this house" and because I knew it was NOT what I wanted for my life now.
Now, I am working even harder to have a child...the irony is killing me. So are the hormones.
6 more weeks of henaches before we can go on some LUPRON...hooray. Then more waiting and hoping...
Cluck...
the hen herself
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Globs and Globs of gloppy stuff
Hmpf....
Good news tied into bad news. Seems to be the way things are sometimes huh? I made follicles. 6 of them actually. They were beeeeeuuuutiful. But alas, not to be. Because my crazy ass ute is glopped up with extra tissue that grew in the past week. Making it necessary to CANCEL our cycle.
CANCELLED!!!!
Crap.
So now, we are back to square one. Or rather square two if you want to be optomistic about it. Wait a minute. I can vascilate between one or the other.....But, for now, let's wear that wear the hat of the optomistic IVF patient.....OK...LET'S!!!!
They new more now that they did before. They know I make good eggs. They know I am very responsive to the meds which is why I made this excess tissue growing up from my uterus. They know that I am capable of handling lots of stress, needles, hen-aches, cramps, bloating and NOW DISAPPOINTMENT....
But, more that that (*see I am trying so hard to be optimistic)...They knew what to try next. MEDICINE IS A PRACTICE MEDICINE IS A PRATICE...I keep telling myself that because even I know doctor's are as clueless as I am about this sometime. My mom keeps telling me "you can't fool mother nature"....She is right.
So. When I settle down a wee bit..I will post what it is they (meaning the doctor) and I am going to do next!
CLUCK....
the hen
Good news tied into bad news. Seems to be the way things are sometimes huh? I made follicles. 6 of them actually. They were beeeeeuuuutiful. But alas, not to be. Because my crazy ass ute is glopped up with extra tissue that grew in the past week. Making it necessary to CANCEL our cycle.
CANCELLED!!!!
Crap.
So now, we are back to square one. Or rather square two if you want to be optomistic about it. Wait a minute. I can vascilate between one or the other.....But, for now, let's wear that wear the hat of the optomistic IVF patient.....OK...LET'S!!!!
They new more now that they did before. They know I make good eggs. They know I am very responsive to the meds which is why I made this excess tissue growing up from my uterus. They know that I am capable of handling lots of stress, needles, hen-aches, cramps, bloating and NOW DISAPPOINTMENT....
But, more that that (*see I am trying so hard to be optimistic)...They knew what to try next. MEDICINE IS A PRACTICE MEDICINE IS A PRATICE...I keep telling myself that because even I know doctor's are as clueless as I am about this sometime. My mom keeps telling me "you can't fool mother nature"....She is right.
So. When I settle down a wee bit..I will post what it is they (meaning the doctor) and I am going to do next!
CLUCK....
the hen
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Have I told you how much this is sucking!
Aside from the shots, which are somewhat anti-climactic, and the hen-aches, which are managable most times, this whole IVF thing is sucking in the following ways:
1. I still go to work and am expected to stay on top of my sales game. Be on time. Be energetic and motivated. Be nice to my co-workers and make the 1 hour drive each day without falling asleep behind the wheel and/or killing the nutso drivers. Did I mention the weather was lousy last week too!
2. My mood swings go from rage to tearful to paranoid to needy to aloof to teary and back again. Oh, that is in one second of time.
3. I was anti-sexual before this. Now, I am really neuter. I don't want to mess up whatever is going on with sex act. Hmpf. This doesn't bother me too much. I am too mindful of what is going on to spend much energy on sexual expression. But, I am still here and so is my husband. Poor him. I feel bad.
4. I can't seem to make anyone happy this week and handily that is the best I can do. Show up, be awake and vertical. So sorry to anyone who may want more from me but isn't going to get it this week. And I don't think it is going to be better tomorrow.
On a brighter note: I do feel much better today. The hen-ache is virtually non-existant. I went to a seed starting class at a local smith and hawken store. Cool place. Cool class. Fun. Can't wait for a garden to start.
This makes me think that perhaps the whole IVF thing is failing. Because I am feeling well. Oh my head.
Tomorrow is our first ultrasound and blood test since it started on Monday with the last ultrasound and blood tests.
I tortured myself and went into Babies R Us. For no reason. Ended up buying two cute outfits for my 1 year old neice. There were so many moms dads and babies in there. I want one.
I WANT TO BE A MOM AND I WANT A BABY.
IVF is a really drag ladies and gents. It is surreal. Hard to manage. Painful and frustrating. Not for the weak of heart at all. I don't feel weak though. Quite strong actually. But still worried about it working and then dealing with the dreaded sense of being even MORE inadequate as a woman and a person.
The hen is tired. Must go to sleep in the nest. More from the roost tomorrow with some news.
If anyone reads this would you mind posting to me.
Cluck....
carla- the hen herself...
1. I still go to work and am expected to stay on top of my sales game. Be on time. Be energetic and motivated. Be nice to my co-workers and make the 1 hour drive each day without falling asleep behind the wheel and/or killing the nutso drivers. Did I mention the weather was lousy last week too!
2. My mood swings go from rage to tearful to paranoid to needy to aloof to teary and back again. Oh, that is in one second of time.
3. I was anti-sexual before this. Now, I am really neuter. I don't want to mess up whatever is going on with sex act. Hmpf. This doesn't bother me too much. I am too mindful of what is going on to spend much energy on sexual expression. But, I am still here and so is my husband. Poor him. I feel bad.
4. I can't seem to make anyone happy this week and handily that is the best I can do. Show up, be awake and vertical. So sorry to anyone who may want more from me but isn't going to get it this week. And I don't think it is going to be better tomorrow.
On a brighter note: I do feel much better today. The hen-ache is virtually non-existant. I went to a seed starting class at a local smith and hawken store. Cool place. Cool class. Fun. Can't wait for a garden to start.
This makes me think that perhaps the whole IVF thing is failing. Because I am feeling well. Oh my head.
Tomorrow is our first ultrasound and blood test since it started on Monday with the last ultrasound and blood tests.
I tortured myself and went into Babies R Us. For no reason. Ended up buying two cute outfits for my 1 year old neice. There were so many moms dads and babies in there. I want one.
I WANT TO BE A MOM AND I WANT A BABY.
IVF is a really drag ladies and gents. It is surreal. Hard to manage. Painful and frustrating. Not for the weak of heart at all. I don't feel weak though. Quite strong actually. But still worried about it working and then dealing with the dreaded sense of being even MORE inadequate as a woman and a person.
The hen is tired. Must go to sleep in the nest. More from the roost tomorrow with some news.
If anyone reads this would you mind posting to me.
Cluck....
carla- the hen herself...
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The hen herself
What am I doing this for? The hen, well she lays the eggs because she is programmed to do so. Like now, the hens are not laying eggs. Why? It is simply too cold outside not condusive to happy egg laying. When the stars align and the weather is right, they start laying and don't stop unless something prompts them too...like the weather or stress or lack of food etc etc....
This hen, well, she has been waiting too. For the right time, the right place and the right everything. Problem is you see, I waited a little too long and my eggs are a little too old to make a healthy happy chick. Pshaw! I am infertile. Hmpf. I'll say it myself because I read it a millions time up to this point...I am a barren hen. Past the point of ripeness. I spent the majority of the past 20 years trying not to get pregnant. And now, the stars are aligned correctly, and when I am ready, well my body says nope.
This hen is better suited to be a good mom now than in any other point in her life. And I waited. Was very conscious of the choices I made in terms of reproduction. I am proud of my choices because they didn't compromise my life or the life of anyone else born or not.
The hen herself is like my hyper wanting to be a mom alter ego. The hen is getting ready. Taking daily shots. Enduring bloating, cramping and OH the HEN-ACHES. THE HEN ACHES!!!!!
Let me tell you about those some other time!
We have eggs to recruit!
-the hen
This hen, well, she has been waiting too. For the right time, the right place and the right everything. Problem is you see, I waited a little too long and my eggs are a little too old to make a healthy happy chick. Pshaw! I am infertile. Hmpf. I'll say it myself because I read it a millions time up to this point...I am a barren hen. Past the point of ripeness. I spent the majority of the past 20 years trying not to get pregnant. And now, the stars are aligned correctly, and when I am ready, well my body says nope.
This hen is better suited to be a good mom now than in any other point in her life. And I waited. Was very conscious of the choices I made in terms of reproduction. I am proud of my choices because they didn't compromise my life or the life of anyone else born or not.
The hen herself is like my hyper wanting to be a mom alter ego. The hen is getting ready. Taking daily shots. Enduring bloating, cramping and OH the HEN-ACHES. THE HEN ACHES!!!!!
Let me tell you about those some other time!
We have eggs to recruit!
-the hen
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Introduction - the Hen house
Where to begin? First, let me say this, I am no expert of infertility and I am not particularly interested in "baby dust" and "good luck to your embies" and this is the best - "hoping your follies do ok today". Nope. Not me. There is no such think as an embie, a follie or baby dust. As cute as it is and how ever it may help one or another to get over the whole devastation of being infertile and move into the even more interesting zone of infertility treatment. It is just not me. So don't, please don't expect me to use those terms. I won't. Not cute to me. And also, I don't like it when bloggers on fertility sites say things like 2dpt and BFN/BFP of those other TLAs that make my head hurt even more that it already does. With that being said:
Let me begin...
My name is Carla. I am a 38 year old married woman. My husband is a 32 year old man who I am married to now almost 2 years. I never subscribed to the "backlashy" notion that my biological clock was ticking. And because of that, I didn't marry the first or the second person that ever asked me. I am proud of that. I love my husband more that words can say. He is the best person I know. I am proud that we are married NOW in this time in our lives. We say often that our only mistake was that we didn't find each other sooner in life.
But, after a year of surgery to repair my painfully body parts and another year working very hard to get my career and more importantly my head on straight, we are now ready and able to proceed into the infertility treatment zone.
And it began on Sunday.
Well, it began in December last year (2007) then was sort of pushed off b/c of money reasons until February, then we found out that my ovaries were not on board with us so we had a month of birth control pills...funny huh? And so, this SUNDAY we started.
With shots.
This is needles people! Lots of them. And we are just starting. So...there you go.
That is the intro. I am sure I will have more to say in a minute. But I don't want these to get to verbose.
Please, if you read this....please say a little prayer for Will and Carla and the baby.
Now, get back to work!
Next blog....who is the hen?
Let me begin...
My name is Carla. I am a 38 year old married woman. My husband is a 32 year old man who I am married to now almost 2 years. I never subscribed to the "backlashy" notion that my biological clock was ticking. And because of that, I didn't marry the first or the second person that ever asked me. I am proud of that. I love my husband more that words can say. He is the best person I know. I am proud that we are married NOW in this time in our lives. We say often that our only mistake was that we didn't find each other sooner in life.
But, after a year of surgery to repair my painfully body parts and another year working very hard to get my career and more importantly my head on straight, we are now ready and able to proceed into the infertility treatment zone.
And it began on Sunday.
Well, it began in December last year (2007) then was sort of pushed off b/c of money reasons until February, then we found out that my ovaries were not on board with us so we had a month of birth control pills...funny huh? And so, this SUNDAY we started.
With shots.
This is needles people! Lots of them. And we are just starting. So...there you go.
That is the intro. I am sure I will have more to say in a minute. But I don't want these to get to verbose.
Please, if you read this....please say a little prayer for Will and Carla and the baby.
Now, get back to work!
Next blog....who is the hen?
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